September 18, 2014 by AMY DICKINSON / askamy@tribune.com
DEAR AMY: I am 65; my husband of 13 years is 67. Now we are divorcing. He will be leaving our state after the divorce, when he retires, and won't be returning. My husband has been a step-papa to my grandchildren. The older grandchildren will understand his absence and why. My concern is that my 3-year-old granddaughter continues to ask us, "Where is Papa Danny?" How do I and her parents explain the divorce and that he will no longer be in her life? He rarely participated in family visits anyway (he's that way, even with his own side of his family); however, my sweet granddaughter still will wonder and ask where he is and why she doesn't see him anymore. Because of certain circumstances, we have agreed not to contact each other's family members. Can you please give us your advice?
-- Divorcing Grandmother
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: Tell the truth, and do so in a way that is age appropriate and neutral (ideally "Papa Danny" would talk to all of the kids before he moves). When she asks, you should say, "Papa Danny moved away because we're not married anymore. Now he lives in a new house in (name the town)."
If she asks, "Will I see him?" you should say, "I don't think so, because he moved away and I don't think he'll visit us. But you'll see me just like always because I live here. I'm staying in my old house and you're going to come visit me, just like always." Answer any questions she asks, and if you don't know the answer, say so. If she acts sad, prompt her to express herself. Give her positive physical and emotional affection. Offer her lots of lap time while you two read together.
For young children, the treasure of having grandparents in their lives is the feeling the child has that they are with someone who is both wise and older than the hills and the stars. You may be feeling personally unsure or off-kilter, but in the eyes of your grandkids, you can make the world whole. Be like that for her.
I have found that when children this young are told about divorce and falling out of love, they may have behavioral outbursts because they are wondering when mommy or day will be leaving because of divorce. When a parent leaves the house for work or whatever the child may have a "fit" thinking they may not come back. The same can be true when telling them about death. I think it's important to be honest with young children but be sure to reassure them that this is not happening with her parents, because she will be wondering.
-- Edited by coldean on Saturday 20th of September 2014 09:23:51 PM
Keep it short and simply. Gramdma and grandpa are getting a divorce which means they are no longer going to be living together in the same house. Grandpap will live in another house and your mom and dad can take you to see him too.
-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Sunday 21st of September 2014 07:17:47 AM
-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Sunday 21st of September 2014 07:19:40 AM
