TOTALLY GEEKED!

Q. Ungrateful for My Party: I’m the mother of young children and was recently diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, it was caught early and is treatable. Nonetheless, I have been very tired and going through many treatments and doctors’ visits. My husband has informed me that a few days prior to surgery to have my tumor removed at the end of the month, his entire family has planned a party at my in-laws house a few hours away, in order to wish me well. While I very much appreciate the gesture, the party is ill-timed. On top of this, my husband’s family is very loud and boisterous and I just don’t have the energy to deal with this. My husband can’t understand why I’m less than enthusiastic about the party and is asking for me to be grateful. Am I being ungrateful or is it acceptable for me to express my appreciation for the gesture but explain that I simply won’t be able to attend?

A: Your in-laws do mean well, but you have no need to feel grateful for what is ultimately an exhausting and selfish gesture. They are a boisterous crowd who loves a party. You are a young mother who is going through grinding treatment and could use some quiet help and support, not an exhausting trip to pretend that you’re thrilled to celebrate surgery. You need your husband to be on your side and run interference for you, not to pressure you to wipe yourself out to mollify his family. Get him a copy of Marc Silver’s book Breast Cancer Husband (I realize you might not have breast cancer, but the lessons will apply). This should give him some insight into what you are going through and what you need from him. If he continues not to get it, maybe your hospital has a social worker whose services you could engage. You also have to be able to tell people who want to help what actually would help: a dinner brigade, taking the kids to their after school classes, hosting them for sleep overs, etc. Yes, you can be grateful you have a crowd of people who loves you. Now let them get to work showing it in ways that will help.