Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Q. Confessing a Betrayal: My partner and I have a child together as a result of mixing our sperm before insemination. Before our surrogate became pregnant we decided we would never try to find out who the biological father is, except for serious medical reasons. About a year ago curiosity got the better of me and I got a paternity test done on the sly. It stated I wasn’t the biological father, so I figured my partner must be. I planned on taking this secret to my grave. Then recently I found out our son’s blood type is A. This is impossible because I know both my partner and the egg donor are type B. I am seriously troubled by this revelation because it could mean either the fertility clinic botched up, or the surrogate became pregnant from sexual activity and gave us her own biological child. I need to find out what happened, but it means confessing to my partner I broke a serious agreement. Help.
A: You and your partner agreed that the paternity of your child would remain a secret unless there were a compelling medical reason. Your curiosity is not a compelling medical reason. There was always a 50/50 chance for either of you that you wouldn’t be the father. It turns out neither of you are. (Keep in mind there is also a chance you have been misinformed about the blood types of the people involved.) I assume that you don’t want to be like the woman in Ohio, who is part of a white, same-sex couple now suing the fertility clinic because their daughter—whom they say they love—turned out to biracial. I assume you both adore your son, so I don’t know what the purpose is of this information. Presumably you don’t want to hand him back to the surrogate and say, “Sorry, we took him by accident—he’s yours.” You violated a trust, and like many people who gather information when they are not supposed to (Prometheus, Pandora, Eve), you have found out there are consequences. I think your consequence is that you do your best to forget this and just be grateful you and your partner are parents of a delightful boy.
Advertisement
Q. Slow Walking vs. Fast Walking: There is an issue at work that my co-workers and I have been debating. We work in a large office building where most people work at desks for hours. Some of our co-workers are older or have physical limitations, whereas I am in my 20s and am what’s called “a fast walker.” When walking down the hallway behind someone who has a much slower gate, is it more polite to slow down behind them (which may make them feel awkward or put-upon), or simply pass them up as one would do for someone driving at a much slower speed?
A: If your hallways are so narrow that passing would require physically nudging the slow person aside, you’re stuck. Otherwise, it seems much worse for your co-workers to hear the footsteps of an annoyed young person on their tail than to have that whippersnapper just move ahead. When you pass, do so in a friendly, confident way, “Hey, Sam, good to see you!” and don’t act as if anything embarrassing is happening.
Q. Women’s Safety: Several years ago I was home from my work at a hospital at 9 p.m. The path away from it was wooded, dark, and a bit eerie. There was a woman up ahead of me and the moment she noticed me I could tell she was panicking. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t speed up, I didn’t stop, I could tell she was just extremely frightened to be followed by a man this late down a dark wooded path. What should I do if I ever get in a similar situation that would make the woman feel most at ease?
A: Comedian John Mulaney has a bit about being in the same situation on a deserted New York street late at night. A woman in front of him heard his footfalls and kept looking back at him, so he thought someone scary must be behind him and started speeding up. He realized there wasn’t, but then she broke into a run. He figured she must have heard the subway coming, so he began running too. He wondered why she started crying over the possibility of missing the subway. Don’t do what he did. Men will never fully understand what it feels like to hear footfall behind you late at night, but there’s not much a man can do that’s reassuring. This isn’t like the office letter where the best idea is just to speed up and pass. You certainly don’t want to call out, “I’m not going to hurt you!” Although it would be annoying for you, the best thing would be to slow your pace so that you stay a significant distance away—the most terrifying sound in those circumstances is of someone gaining on you.
Q. Sentimental Hoarder: I am a sentimental hoarder, especially if items remind me of my children’s baby years, an exciting event from the past, or someone who has passed away. I logically know that I cannot keep everything, but I have a really hard time parting with things. Here’s an example: I cannot bring myself to throw away a Barbie doll my daughter broke a month ago that was given to me by my cousin who died 25 years ago. I only have so much room in my basement! Help!
A: The good thing is that you recognize you have a problem. I get lots of letters from grown people despairing that their once sentimental parent has now become a full-blown hoarder. So you have to be ruthless with yourself. If your child is young enough to break a Barbie, you’ve got a lot of sentimental stuff ahead of you. (And how do you “break” a Barbie? When I was a kid we regularly decapitated Barbie and Ken, put their heads on the opposite bodies, and then smashed them together. I always assumed the chance to explore polymorphous perversity was what Barbie was all about.) While your basement has limited space, your photo stream is unlimited. Start taking photographs of the stuff that means the most to you. This will allow you to always have it, without having to physically retain it. You can even print out beautiful books of your daughter’s artwork, etc. Stick to the rule that you will only keep the most totally precious object, and make that be about 10 percent of your current holdings. Years from now your daughter will be grateful.
Q. Re: Women’s Safety: Maybe pull out your cellphone and call your wife or a friend. It would be reassuring to hear someone say “Hi, it’s Tony. I’m just walking home from my shift from the hospital ...”
A: That’s a good idea. Also a good idea for the woman to pull out her phone and call a friend and say, “I’ve got to talk to you until I get where I’m going.”