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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Carolyn: Son Not Coming for Thanksgiving Dinner


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Dear Carolyn: Son Not Coming for Thanksgiving Dinner
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Thanksgiving

 

Hi Carolyn, My 32 yr old single son last night at dinner with his dad and me, announced that he won't be joining the family for T dinner. He feels our gatherings are forced and if he came he would be bad company. Our small family has its quirks like most. We are all local and I reminded him that it's only 2 hours to offer. He has usually been the more demonstrative of my sons so this disappoints me. I suggested that someday he'll recognize the importance of family. I think he already does but is dealing with his own disappointments in "loves lost" masking it with declarations of emotional independence. His father said he understands but does not agree. We both hope he changes his mind. I'm prepared to not make a big deal of this and let him realize (or not) on his own. Any thoughts here? Turkey's Mom

 

 

 
A.
Carolyn Hax :

My first thought is that this will probably go better if you think about it in terms of what your son is feeling about himself instead of what he's taking away from you. And doesn't tending to his needs also  counts as "recogniz[ing] the importance of family"? Holy guilt trip, Mom. And tell me you didn't just call him a turkey.

As you said, it's just two hours--so not making a big deal of it is a no-brainer. But your son's unhappiness might be a huge deal, depending on how deep it runs and how well equipped he is to address it. I suggest you find it in you to recognize that you reacted badly, then apologize to him for that. Say you let your disappointment crowd out what should have been concern for what he's dealing with right now. Ask what you can do.

And not that I have anything to go on here really, so treat this as preemptive advice to be applied only if needed: If you're making a big deal out of the "single" part ("My 32 yr old single son"), then stop doing that, too.  Treat him as whole. Listen to him. Follow his lead.

– November 07, 2014 12:23 PM


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I agree with Prudie. I would be more concerned about the possibility of depression rather than an empty seat at the feast table.

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Ditto, I can see that this young man may just not want to have to explain his current breakup, and listen to the family "advice"

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My parents are the same way. It didn't matter how horrible holidays were or how much abuse I was taking at them. I had better show my a$$ up so that I didn't 'ruin my mother's holiday'.

Heaven forbid anyone take care of my needs or allow me to make decisions based on what I was dealing with at the time. After the last time that happened, it never happened again. Now I don't go - or I go, depending on who else is there and if I am being abused, I leave. Period.

(sorry - I'm still a little bitter about it)

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Once DH and I had kids we just decided to stay home. Not gonna try to drive on snowy roads with babies. So we quit running like that when our kids were little.

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My dog name is Sasha, too!

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I don't particularly enjoy family holidays. I get along great with my family & we are all close. Maybe a little too close in that I see them almost daily. I just find family dinners tedious. I go so I don't hurt my Mom's feelings. She would never guilt me into going. I just know it would put a bit of a damper on the dinner for her so I go. As the LW said, it is only 2 hours.

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I put Christmas lights in our front bushes. It's easier to decorate outside, than inside, with all the pets.

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How horrible can it be? He "announced" this while he was AT dinner with his parents.

If it is such torture to get together with his family, then why do it on some random Tuesday and not Thanksgiving?

We don't exactly know his issues--but given that information, I'm not very sympathetic with him. Sounds like a big baby.

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I think the difference may be in that it's a holiday. SOME parents expect a picture perfect family on the holidays. And him being single might not fit in with that picture. I know when I was single my mother would bug me to death about bringing someone to the family holidays. Any other day of the week it wasn't an issue but on the holidays she felt like we all had to be paired up. I don't know if that is the case here but the mother makes note of him being single so it could be.

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Meh. If he can eat at mom and dad's one day--then he can do so on a holiday.

Sometimes you do things you don't like to do because you know it will make someone else happy.

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I don't think it is a big deal. He may have something else he wants to do. Maybe he is planning on shopping all day. Maybe he has the day off and wants to sleep all day cause he works all the other days. Or maybe he just doesn't want to come and will realize he missed it and show up later.

I can understand wanting him there. But he is 32. If he doesn't want to be there. He doesn't want to be there.

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Mom ~ Next time you see him, tell him he'll be missed, but that you'll save a whole bunch of left-overs for him!



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On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

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Maybe he secretly has a girlfriend and is going to her place for Thanksgiving and isn't ready to tell the parents, yet.

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Momala wrote:

Mom ~ Next time you see him, tell him he'll be missed, but that you'll save a whole bunch of left-overs for him!


No way.  If he can't be bothered to show up--he's not getting any left-overs, either.  



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I don't know. I don't view the holidays as some sacred day. Yes, come home if you can come home. But, we don't have to celebrate Thanksgiving ON Thanksgiving Day. We can do it on Sat or the week before or whatever if there are things that have come up. For my job, I often work Holidays. So, we would just celebrate a couple of days before or later. I don't have some thing that it must be that exact day. I think of it more of the Season.

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I don't know. I don't view the holidays as some sacred day. Yes, come home if you can come home. But, we don't have to celebrate Thanksgiving ON Thanksgiving Day. We can do it on Sat or the week before or whatever if there are things that have come up. For my job, I often work Holidays. So, we would just celebrate a couple of days before or later. I don't have some thing that it must be that exact day. I think of it more of the Season.


But you do that for a REASON--someone is celebrating on that day with their spouse's family.  Someone has to work.  Travel schedules can't be arranged to make it on the holiday.

 

He has no reason--and presumably wouldn't come on another day, either, if they are celebrating "Thanksgiving".   



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Yes that's true. Good point.

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And he is local so what is the big deal? Maybe they could opt to go out to dinner or try something different.

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

And he is local so what is the big deal? Maybe they could opt to go out to dinner or try something different.


I think he'd be a snot about it no matter what they try. 

 

Mom's cooking is good enough on some random Tuesday--but heaven forbid he come over for Thanksgiving.  



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