Dear Prudence, I’m 56 years old and my husband of 37 years died three months ago. He was retired and was the sole caretaker for his 83-year-old mom who lives with us in the duplex we set up for her. My husband’s sister died suddenly last week at age 57. She had been planning to move in and take care of her mother. I am left with my mother-in-law, who has now lost all four of her children. My mother-in-law is incapable of being alone, now more than ever. There is no physical reason for her lack of independence; it’s more mental, which I can understand given what she’s been through. But I’m at work all day, and can’t take care of her. My stepdaughter lives close by with her three children and a husband who is dying of cancer. He was given two weeks to live last February, and is defying the odds, but it’s only a matter of time. She feels obligated to take care of her grandma and probably worries about what I’m going to do. I haven’t made any decisions. I wish my mother-in-law would see how hard babysitting her is. If ever there was a candidate for assisted living it’s her, but I don’t think she’s come around to thinking that. I have compassion for her but it hurts so much to be around her and I’m grieving too. I still feel somewhat young and that there is happiness and a life to be had ahead of me, but there is no way to move on right now. Do I just wait this out and stay put? I’m afraid that she could live another 10 years like this. And I feel awful for even thinking that.
—Guilty and Grieving
Dear Grieving, Please stop feeling guilty. Just reading your letter is crushing, so I can’t imagine what it must be like to deal with this series of tragedies. First of all, you and everyone you care about are in terrible pain. Your stepdaughter cannot let herself be torn apart over her obligations to her grandmother. It’s lovely she cares, but she has a dying husband and three children, and that’s where her focus has to be. You, too, need to be able to work through your own grief and loss without having to carry those of your mother-in-law as well. Right now, you need to engage some social services for her. She could use a therapist who specializes in geriatric patients, for starters. Perhaps there’s adult day care in your community. There are also organizations that provide meals and visitors for the elderly. She’s not incapacitated, so as tough as it may be emotionally, she’s not in physical danger if she has to spend part of the day alone. But given the situation you lay out, it's true that assisted living is an excellent alternative. Lots of people are consumed with guilt about the thought of putting a loved one there. But a well-run place can be a tonic for an older person who otherwise would be isolated. Being distracted by activities and sharing meals—and withdrawing to her own room when needed—sounds much better than feeling frantic and lonely in her duplex. You are overwhelmed, so put off thinking about changing anyone’s living situation until after the first of the year. But eventually taking steps to allow you to move on with your life while making sure your mother-in-law is well cared for are not mutually exclusive.
Do they not have retirement homes? My grandma and dhs grandpa both just moved into one and love it. My grandma hated the idea at first, but she is enjoying it now.its a good solution for someone who doesn't need around the clock physical care.
Preparation starts early. Every time I'm with my parents and we drive past one of those assisted living or retirement places, I point it out and tell them it's their future home. They get a good chuckle, but they know that if the time comes where it's necessary, it is where they will go.
One immediate step would be to give MIL a "pendant" to wear so she can push the button and be connected to a human, if she feels she's in trouble when she's alone.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
There are adult day care centers as well. For those who don't want to go or put their loved ones in a home but they need care during the day.
A lot of times it helps in the transition to a facility. The person will meet people their own age and form friendships and then they see that living in the homes can be better than at home.
It's an option.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Assisted living places are fantastic. If physically able, you move into your own apartment. As you decline, you can move into rooms where you have constant care. It takes the stress off the family for the day to day care and so visiting is so much better and focused on the good.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
