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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Prudie: 13 yr Old Stepdaughter in Delivery Room?
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Q. Rudeness About My Birth Plan: My stepdaughter Lydia, 13, has asked to be in the delivery room when I give birth to her little sister this January. Lydia has seen a delivery video in a class and is a mature, grounded young woman. My husband, her mom, and I all think this would be a good experience for Lydia. I will be clothed in a loose-fitting gown when I deliver, but Lydia will see my “private parts.” For this reason, Lydia’s inclusion in the delivery horrifies our families and many friends. What’s a polite response to people who express dismay over Lydia seeing me give birth?

A: When everyone lived on a farm, a Lydia would have had her fill of seeing calves and foals being born and probably would have skipped attending the arrival of her sister. Your birth plan is your birth plan and you don’t have to take a poll to get approval from others. Maybe this will be an incredibly gratifying experience for Lydia, who will then become an obstetrician. But I’m concerned that a delivery video is far different from the real thing, and that all of you are being naive about Lydia’s role. No one knows how a birth will go. You could be in a long, painful labor. You might need an emergency C-section. It could be that the reality of watching a live birth is far different from a video and becomes a vertiginous experience for a 13-year-old. She might feel obligated to stay, even if she quickly realizes she’d rather be home binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy. My concern is not that Lydia gets a good look at your privates, but that even the most mature, grounded 13-year-old would be better off meeting her new sibling once the baby is cleaned up and swaddled. It also could be that the medical center nixes a teen attending the birth, which might blessedly make all of this moot.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Why are you announcing your Birth Plans to your family and friends? If they aren't going to be there, it really isn't their business who is going to be there. Why do people feel the need to announce and then try to get validation from everyone else for everything they do in life? If she and her husband are comfortable with that, then fine. Shut the hell up and stop trying to get everyone in the world to "approve" your life. Less is more. The ability to shut your mouth makes your life much more pleasant when you realize that it isn't necessary to announce everything in the world to everyone. Sheesh.

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lilyofcourse


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There are lots of places for a person to be in the room that doesn't include right in the middle of the action.

She is 13. She knows what is going on.

I don't know if I'd be all that polite about it. I'd be rather matter of fact about it. "Well, her parents have approved it".

And if it gets to be too much I am sure the young lady is more than welcome to move away from the delivery and into another waiting area.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I wouldn't even be "explaining" this to other people in the first place. It isn't their business. Let a private family matter be a private family matter. Problem solved.

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lilyofcourse


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Oh people talk about things. If everyone "minded their own business" all the time, no one would ever talk about anything. The world would be silent.

It's something that comes up in conversation. "When are you due? Who is your doctor? Have you picked who will be in there with you? What color is the nursery?" Just part of every day conversation.

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Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well so what? That doesn't mean I then have to go home and agonize over their opinions or explain and "justify" what I do to them does it?

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lilyofcourse


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No. It doesn't. But to say people should mind their own business and not ask is saying no one should have conversations about anything.

People ask questions. It's what we do. We can choose if we want to answer them and how.

I don't think there is agonizing going on over this. More of a "what is a nicer way to put it".



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Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


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People can't mind YOUR business if you don't give them the opening to mind it. So, yeah, there are things that I most definitely DON'T want others opinions on soooo I don't discuss it with them. And, the older I get, the less and less I really want their opinions.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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But, if you do and others disagree with what you do, so what? You don't agree you don't agree.

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lilyofcourse


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That is called life.

Not everyone is going to agree on everything all the time.



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Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


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That's what I said.

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Lawyerlady


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The only people's opinions that matter in this are the parents and the girl. Everyone else can suck it.

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Friends don't mind, and enemies don't matter. I don't see what the problem is.

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When people ask why, the answer is "Because that's what we decided."



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PotteryChick


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

People can't mind YOUR business if you don't give them the opening to mind it. So, yeah, there are things that I most definitely DON'T want others opinions on soooo I don't discuss it with them. And, the older I get, the less and less I really want their opinions.

 Agreed. I'm entirely too private to share a birth plan, whatever that is, or to have anyone except my dh with me.  This whole idea of everyone in the family attending a birth is disturbing to me.



-- Edited by PotteryChick on Wednesday 19th of November 2014 11:20:45 AM

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Maybe she'll learn to keep her c0ck-holster closed. -- Edited by huskerbb on Sunday 9th of November 2014 01:32:19 PM
lilyofcourse


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I had one person in there for me to help me and make decisions for me if I couldn't, and another to go with the baby when it was born and be with it when I couldn't.

My mawmaw showed up all three times and was in there with me as well. I did not mind that at all and actually was happy to share that moment with her each time.


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Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Personally, I did not want a bunch of people watching me give birth. I didn't even allow my own mom in. And, my mom was truly my best friend. I just felt that DH was the only one who belonged there. And when I am huffing and puffing and pushing, I don't care to have an audience.

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lilyofcourse


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My doctor came and sat with me for a long time. He timed my contractions, gave me ice, rubbed my back. He was awesome.

I had three in there each time.

It wasn't a free for all.

And I kept sending my ex out cause he got on my nerves.

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Charley Harper
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If she didn't want people's opinions on the matter, she shouldn't have discussed it with others. But she did, and now she is having to deal with the naysayers.

Personally, I have never been particularly modest and didn't care who was there. There were probably 25-30 people in the room when I had my c-section, only two that I knew personally-my doctor and my husband. I would not have wanted my mother or father in the room, not because I did not want them to see my insides, but because I would not want to worry them. As it was, I presented my "happy face" in their presence while they were wheeling me to the cardiac ward following delivery, even though I wasn't sure if I was going to survive. It wasn't until I recovered did they learn the extent of my condition.

If she wants to have her 13 year old stepdaughter there and it's okay with her parents, so be it.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Exactly. If you ASK for opinions, then don't get all bent out of shape when you actually get opinions.

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huskerbb


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Stupid. The only people that need to be there are the people present at the conception--plus any necessary medical personnel needed to assist in the delivery.

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ed11563


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FNW wrote:

If she didn't want people's opinions on the matter, she shouldn't have discussed it with others. But she did, and now she is having to deal with the naysayers.

 Maybe she wants people to talk her out of it.

 



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Southern_Belle


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I've seen lots of different people in the labor room. Small children included. It's whatever the mom to be wants. I kind of frown upon the small children in the hospital setting for the mere fact that they just get under foot as small children will do. People are rushing in and out of the room at the time of delivery and the little ones just don't understand that they need to stay out of the way.

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huskerbb wrote:

Stupid. The only people that need to be there are the people present at the conception--plus any necessary medical personnel needed to assist in the delivery.

   At DS's birth there were tons of people in the room.  Me, my exdh and the doc and a whole classroom of new residents (OB gyn)  they asked me if it was ok when I was 2 minutes from delivering!  Looking back I should have said "sure , how much you paying me for this class?"  DS was delivered 8 minutes after arriving at the hospital.



-- Edited by I know what to do_sometimes on Wednesday 19th of November 2014 07:26:37 PM



-- Edited by I know what to do_sometimes on Wednesday 19th of November 2014 07:27:00 PM

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ed11563


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huskerbb wrote:

Stupid. The only people that need to be there are the people present at the conception--plus any necessary medical personnel needed to assist in the delivery.

It might be unusual, but ...

you seem to be assuming that the step daughter was not present at the conception. wink



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ed11563 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Stupid. The only people that need to be there are the people present at the conception--plus any necessary medical personnel needed to assist in the delivery.

It might be unusual, but ...

you seem to be assuming that the step daughter was not present at the conception. wink


 Ed, you are bordering on being a psychopath with your posts this past week.  Please clean it up and stop the creepy posts.



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huskerbb


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Southern_Belle wrote:

I've seen lots of different people in the labor room. Small children included. It's whatever the mom to be wants. I kind of frown upon the small children in the hospital setting for the mere fact that they just get under foot as small children will do. People are rushing in and out of the room at the time of delivery and the little ones just don't understand that they need to stay out of the way.

 Which is ridiculous. 



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Southern_Belle


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I agree but you can't argue with hospital admin. They say let whoever in. Sometimes it's like a zoo with all the extra people in the labor room. Thankfully, if a c-section is needed only one person is allowed.

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ed11563


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huskerbb wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I've seen lots of different people in the labor room. Small children included. It's whatever the mom to be wants. I kind of frown upon the small children in the hospital setting for the mere fact that they just get under foot as small children will do. People are rushing in and out of the room at the time of delivery and the little ones just don't understand that they need to stay out of the way.

 Which is ridiculous. 

I think for a HOME birth, the parents can decide whether to include their older children in the "experience". But little kids do NOT belong in the hospital unless they are a patient. Kids are little Petrie  dishes incubating every virus that's circulating in their school and neighborhood.



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Lawyerlady


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Southern_Belle wrote:

I agree but you can't argue with hospital admin. They say let whoever in. Sometimes it's like a zoo with all the extra people in the labor room. Thankfully, if a c-section is needed only one person is allowed.

 Our hospital doesn't let children in the delivery room.  And children as visitors are limited to siblings. 



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ed11563


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FOLLOW UP

Q. Re: 13-year-old in the delivery room: I was 13 and in the delivery room when my baby brother was born. Twenty-seven years later it remains one of the most joyous and positive experiences of my life. I never had any sibling resentment about being “replaced” by a new baby. The delivery (and helping to raise him) was also fabulous birth control because I knew how much work it was.

A: I am astounded that there are any readers who can give firsthand testimony about being a 13-year-old watching the birth of a sibling. So thanks for this endorsement.



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