Dear Prudence, My husband’s sister has invited us for Thanksgiving dinner. She is a warm, thoughtful, family-loving person whose feelings are easily hurt. She is also filthy beyond belief—call-the-health-department filthy. They narrowly escaped getting sued over the condition of their last rental. Recently, she and her husband were able to purchase a home—a few hours’ drive from us—for them and their children. They are eager for us to share their first holiday meal there. We have missed getting to know our nieces and nephews because we just can’t get past the nausea-inducing odors of multiple pets that hit us in the face when the front door opens. We are trying to tell ourselves she hasn’t been in the new house long enough for real damage, but we can’t get out of minds the likelihood of the cats basting the bird by licking it, then climbing across the table after visiting the litter box. Our guilt is compounded by the emails telling us how excited their children are at the possibility of spending time with us. We don’t have kids and are not going away, so I don’t see a way out of this. I have told my husband that I am willing to take one for the team, but he says he just doesn’t think he can get the fork to his mouth, let alone chew and swallow. Hurt feelings and disappointed children loom large. Should we stay home or go?
—Turkeys Should Not Meow
Dear Turkeys, Thanks so much for that gag-inducing description of the turkey being tongue-bathed by the cats and the cats then parading across the sweet potato casserole, leaving crunchy bits behind. How sad that these kids have probably have never had a friend visit them twice, and that they have been isolated from family because their parents are pathological. I can understand your reluctance to bring fork to lips at their home. You’re right that they haven’t been there long enough for the place to be condemned, although unsanitary pet conditions can create an ammonia stench in short order. If you decide to go, surely you aren’t planning to spend the night, so pack a cooler with sandwiches. If chewing and swallowing at the feast is impossible, push the food around on your plate, then when you get in the car, you’ll have something edible when you make your escape. But I lean toward your skipping Thanksgiving. Instead, invite this family for a visit, either over this holiday weekend or sometime soon. You say you wish you knew your nieces and nephews better, so even if you don’t have enough beds, the kids can have a slumber party on the floor for a night, and all of you can catch up. It would also be a revelation for the children to see how normal people live. Think of what a relief it will be to break bread with this family without picking cat hair out of the butter.
I do not understand this need to enable poor behavior for the sake of family. Would you continue a friendship with someone who abused drugs or was a racists or a homophobe or fought dogs in their backyards? Or in this case, someone whose self regard was so low that they would live in conditions like this? So why are we supposed to suck it up because its a family member?
If the conditions are that bad, then pretending that it is not only lets these people continue to think that what they are doing/how they are living is acceptable.
My Grandparents lived in a nasty ass row house that reminded me of Joes Apartment. When I turned 16 and could drive I told my parents that I was done going there. I got a couple half-assed attempts at guilt, but they didnt press it.
If I were this couple, I would be straight forward with them. I am not going to your home because of the conditions.
OR, I would suck it up for the one day, take my phone and take as many pictures of the horrendous conditions as i could and then contact CPS.
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“One day, you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again.”
C.S.Lewis
They haven't been there, yet - so they are assuming it is that bad in the new house. Maybe, since they bought this one, they are taking better care of it.
Hope springs eternal.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, who wants to eat where there is animal feces or anything disgusting like that if that has been the case in the past? If so, just don't go for dinner. Meet up for drinks AFTER dinner or plan an outing or something like that.
I do not understand this need to enable poor behavior for the sake of family. Would you continue a friendship with someone who abused drugs or was a racists or a homophobe or fought dogs in their backyards? Or in this case, someone whose self regard was so low that they would live in conditions like this? So why are we supposed to suck it up because its a family member?
If the conditions are that bad, then pretending that it is not only lets these people continue to think that what they are doing/how they are living is acceptable.
My Grandparents lived in a nasty ass row house that reminded me of Joes Apartment. When I turned 16 and could drive I told my parents that I was done going there. I got a couple half-assed attempts at guilt, but they didnt press it.
If I were this couple, I would be straight forward with them. I am not going to your home because of the conditions.
OR, I would suck it up for the one day, take my phone and take as many pictures of the horrendous conditions as i could and then contact CPS.
That is beyond dumb.
A. It's foolish and arrogant to think that the right thing to do would be to throw four kids into the "system" because their house isn't as clean as yours.
B. The LW hasn't even been to the new house--so she doesn't actually know the condition of it.
C. Not everything needs to involve the government. This is one of those things that doesn't.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I believe the LW says that the husband's sisters family has rented so far and now they own their home. I have seen ownership make a lot of difference to people who previously rented and treated the rental very poorly because it was not their property.
These people may be in that class and the conditions may be very different from when they were renting... Give them a chance, I say. They can always go home early (or immediately) if things are as bad as before. They may even have a little kitty door so the cats can go outside now....
Ugh, I had one friend move into his gfs house. 4 cats. I couldn't take it. Stop hanging out with him, going over. Ugh. It was bad.
Thing is, most people don't know the rules about litter boxes. There have to be more litter boxes than cats, and they have to be maintained.
They also have to be placed where cats are marking their territories. Four cats need at LEAST 5 litter boxes, maybe 8 depending on the layout and the circumstances.
Houses with cats do NOT have to smell bad.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I have an Aunt who never could get anything finished it seemed. But she did work two jobs and raised a child all by her self. Her house was always cluttered and there was always dishes that needed to be washed. I watched her cook more than once. She was a clean cook and she was always careful to keep what she was working on clean. The surfaces and such. I had no problem eating anything she made and I may have had to move the laundry over on the couch to sit down but it was clean laundry. And a warm pile of laundry is nice to go to sleep on when you are 7.
My XMIL on the other hand was disgusting. Her floors were sticky and she would rinse a pot to cook in instead of washing it. Her house may not have been terribly cluttered but everything had a film of sticky and greasy on it. Everything. And her kitchen was full of aluminum cans. And those were full of roaches. She would cover a bread pan with foil to cook on. But she wouldn't take the prior one off. I did one day. It had maggots. I never ate anything she made. I was afraid of it.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
