TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Daughter Cries for Mommy

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Wow! At 9 years old? Something's going on...

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I don't know. I was VERY close to my mom. I just wanted to be with her all the time. I didn't even like sleeping over night at a friend's house because I would miss her. I think that is probably what is going on.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

But how many divorced dads DON'T take an active role in their kid's lives?

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I think that all he can do is just continue being dad. He can't be mom. When she cries for mommy, then he should hug and say, I know you miss mommy but you are going to see her soon and we are going to have fun. And, let her have her moment. And, let her call mom if it makes her feel better. I dont' find this unusual as that is how I was with my mom. My dad was a very good dad and that had nothing to do with him.

Ilumine · Regular

Parental Alienation.

Before we got custody of SS, this is what would happen each time SS came for DH's parenting time. Turns out, right before SS would leave his mother's (as in right before he would get out of the car for the exchanges), BM would lay on the strongest pile of guilt, how she would miss him, how she wouldn't eat or sleep right until he returned, how she would cry herself to sleep each night...you get the picture.

And/OR she would be very in your face about all of the things she was going to do and he would miss out on while he was with DH.

And/or she would downplay everything about DH's house and the what the visit would entail. Oh she was subtle about it too. "SS, I know that your father makes you eat things you don't like there, that is just unfair to you. When you get back you can have your chicken fingers just the way you like them." Mind you, SS loathed chicken nuggets but that was all she would make.

While it isn't the other parent's job to talk up a visitation, there are so many subtle ways that they can make visitation emotionally trying for a child, that it is almost more insidious and worse.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I think Mom should address the issue with her daughter.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yes. She should have a chat with her. But, there is nothing wrong with the little girl's feelings and I think Dad just needs to let her have her moment and not make a bigger deal of it than it is. He doesn't want to make her feel that she can't express her feelings either.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And, Dad needs to be sensitive to that. Maybe she wasn't ready to go Disney world and be away for so long. Divorce is very traumatizing to a lot of kids. And, I think Disney is very overwhelming for an already overwhelmed kid.

Penelope · Newbie

Yep. My husband's ex used to pull similar crap. She would say things like "I'm so sorry you have to go, you know I don't have a choice in the matter." She would also over involve herself in our family life by stopping by with things that we already provided (shampoo, body wash, toothpaste...) and make a big production about making sure her kids had what they needed. It got to the point where they wouldn't tell us they were out of something, they would just call her. All of that led to them only wanting their mom and having massive meltdowns at our house.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, if mom is doing that then she is a Butt. However, that may or may not be the case here. And, if she is a Butt, then talking to her isn't going to do any good anyway and may even make her ramp it up even more.

Tinydancer · Guru

This is the total opposite of how I was at 9. All I wanted was my fathers approval. I lived with mom so I knew she was there for me but I was afraid my dad would forget me after 2 weeks...lol

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I tried to sleep over next door when I was that age and I ended up going home because I missed my mom! So to me it makes sense.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

At nine, she should be able to buck it up and enjoy her dads company without a meltdown. Something is weird here.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

OK, then I was "weird" because that doesn't fit your time table. Not every emotion expressed by a kid is some deep seated Psychosis.

Tinydancer · Guru

You weren't weird. A 9 year old is still a young child in my eyes. Now if you were 15 and still doing this, that would make you weird...lol

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

A 9 yr old is what a 3rd grader?? Suck it! Grow the F up Kid!!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
A 9 yr old is what a 3rd grader?? Suck it! Grow the F up Kid!!

4th usually.

Tinydancer · Guru

Yeah, I can't imagine telling a 9 year old that. I was still palying with dolls when I was 9 so I'm not sure how much maturity is expected.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Kids here cannot start K until they are 5 yrs old. So, that would mean some of them are 9 in 3rd grade.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She misses her mom. Her home was torn apart. I dont' understand why that is such a mystery.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Some kids are very much creatures of habit and like the comfortable and familiar. There is nothing inherently wrong with that.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

When I used to work at a summer camp I worked with 9-11 year olds. We dealt with some pretty severe homesickness!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

wink What wimps!!!

FNW · Guru

Such a sad situation for the girl and her father. I can't imagine putting my child through that, if that's what her mother is intentionally doing. Children of divorce go through so much, and it never ends. My husband suffered from it until last year when his mother passed. Up until then, it was up to him to decide which family to see or stay with or invite on special occasions. He always felt like he was having to "choose".

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

It's been 6 years since the divorce, though.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Or maybe the little girl is learning to play the divorced parents game. Get what she can any way she can. I see it every day.

Could be manipulation.

He could simply say, "I know you miss your mom. But this is our time and I want us both to enjoy it. Now how can we do that?"

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

I'm sorry, but after SIX YEARS she should be able to spend a couple nights at her dads without crying.
Either she is really immature for her age--and there is nothing wrong with that, kids grow up at different speeds--or there is something else going on. Why is she so emotionally dependent on mom she can't spend time with her other parent and be happy?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Somebody just needs to go set that little girl straight BY GOD!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

But this is her FATHER, not a stranger, and he has had regular contact with the girl.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Regular contact can mean anything.

At 9 she has probably learned how to control both her parents rather well.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I'd be spending my Thursdays taking her to a therapist to figure out what is wrong with her.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
I'd be spending my Thursdays taking her to a therapist to figure out what is wrong with her.

I think all three should go so the therapist can observe the family dynamic.

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
Regular contact can mean anything.

At 9 she has probably learned how to control both her parents rather well.

He listed exactly WHEN he spent time with her.

And not all kids "control" their parents.

flan

Lindley · Guru

Doesn't sound like she is controlling her parents. What child would cry about going to DW is she was in control?
She is only nine years old. I think the dad should talk to her mother and see if they both can work together to help the little girl with her separation issues. Maybe she is not ready for overnight visits but maybe just to spend the day together till she is ready.

-- Edited by Lindley on Tuesday 2nd of December 2014 04:54:01 PM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lindley wrote:
Doesn't sound like she is controlling her parents. What child who was would cry about going to DW is she was in control?
She is only nine years old. I think the dad should talk to her mother and see if they both can work together to help the little girl with her separation issues. Maybe she is not ready for overnight visits but maybe just to spend the day together till she is ready.

This is her father - not a stranger. There is no reason she shouldn't be able to spend time with him. I would actually think MORE time at Dad's would help get her used to it better.

Lindley · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lindley wrote:
Doesn't sound like she is controlling her parents. What child who was would cry about going to DW is she was in control?
She is only nine years old. I think the dad should talk to her mother and see if they both can work together to help the little girl with her separation issues. Maybe she is not ready for overnight visits but maybe just to spend the day together till she is ready.
This is her father - not a stranger. There is no reason she shouldn't be able to spend time with him. I would actually think MORE time at Dad's would help get her used to it better.

that is why both he and her mother should work more together to help her. She may have anxiety issues that need to be addressed.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lindley wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lindley wrote:
Doesn't sound like she is controlling her parents. What child who was would cry about going to DW is she was in control?
She is only nine years old. I think the dad should talk to her mother and see if they both can work together to help the little girl with her separation issues. Maybe she is not ready for overnight visits but maybe just to spend the day together till she is ready.
This is her father - not a stranger. There is no reason she shouldn't be able to spend time with him. I would actually think MORE time at Dad's would help get her used to it better.
that is why both he and her mother should work more together to help her. She may have anxiety issues that need to be addressed.

Maybe they can't, and that's the problem.

Lindley · Guru

that could be true. I wish parents can be adults and not let their issues affect their children.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

So Lilly now you are just going to assume the 9 yr old is manipulating those poor adults. Wow.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yes. 9 year olds can be very manipulative. I have seen it. Especially with divorced parents. They don't get what they want from one so they go to the other. They play them against each other. Anyone who thinks a 9 year old CANT be manipulative is being very naive.

Now I didn't say it was what was going on in this situation. I said COULD BE.

Ohfour · Hooker

lilyofcourse wrote:
Yes. 9 year olds can be very manipulative. I have seen it. Especially with divorced parents. They don't get what they want from one so they go to the other. They play them against each other. Anyone who thinks a 9 year old CANT be manipulative is being very naive.

Now I didn't say it was what was going on in this situation. I said COULD BE.

Oh, most DEFINITLEY. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. They learn MUCH earlier than 9 how to pull the strings...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I have seen it many, many times.

"mom said this" "Dad said that" "Mom would let me" "Dad wouldn't care"

Kids are crafty and sneaky.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
I have seen it many, many times.

"mom said this" "Dad said that" "Mom would let me" "Dad wouldn't care"

Kids are crafty and sneaky.

Kids need a solid foundation & if they don't get it from their parents...

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yes, Flan. You are right.

And they can be sneaky little buggers too.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
Yes, Flan. You are right.

And they can be sneaky little buggers too.

DS1 could not lie to save his life.

DS2, on the other hand...

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Yes. 9 year olds can be very manipulative. I have seen it. Especially with divorced parents. They don't get what they want from one so they go to the other. They play them against each other. Anyone who thinks a 9 year old CANT be manipulative is being very naive.

Now I didn't say it was what was going on in this situation. I said COULD BE.

You seem to jump to that a lot sooner than blaming the adults.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

So? It is a very valid possibility.

I am not blaming anyone with anything.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

I feel badly for the Dad. I know of 9YO and older girls that are like this. Nothing to do with how she is treated by the Dad. Sometimes its because the mother is manipulative, sometimes the kid is just a bit emotionally immature. The Dad will have to deal for awhile and yes, some therapy may help.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Yes. 9 year olds can be very manipulative. I have seen it. Especially with divorced parents. They don't get what they want from one so they go to the other. They play them against each other. Anyone who thinks a 9 year old CANT be manipulative is being very naive.

Now I didn't say it was what was going on in this situation. I said COULD BE.

You seem to jump to that a lot sooner than blaming the adults.

confuse confuse confuse confuse confuse confuse confuse confuse confuse confuse confuse

I'm still married to my children's father. Never been divorced.

And, children do learn, early on, who is the "softer touch".

Conor, could always talk Wayne, into buying him a toy. At the age of 2.

I finally had to tell Wayne, "Don't take Conor to the store with you. And, if you do take him, tell him it's a looking day, not a buying day."

Children learn to manipulate parents, long before the age of 9.

Married, divorced, or not.

Just my experience.