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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Carolyn: Son Not Invited to Birthday Party
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Carolyn: Son Not Invited to Birthday Party
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Dear Carolyn:

Two of my closest friends have a son, 6, who is a year younger than ours. This is the second year in a row that my son has not been invited to their son’s birthday party. Every year we invite their son to our boy’s birthday, and he comes and has a good time.

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997, after five years as a copy editor and news editor in Style and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis -- Carolyn's ex-husband -- and appears in over 200 newspapers. View Archive

I’ll be the first to admit my son is not the easiest kid in the world. He has ADHD and is full of energy. He’s way ahead academically, but behind socially. He wants friends — and has one or two — but struggles keeping them because he’s extremely sensitive.

We see our friends five or six times a year. They live about 30 miles from us, not too far for a birthday party. Each time the kids get together they have a good time. 

I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if my friends are being insensitive. I’m feeling kind of angry and don’t know what to do about it.

 

Party Pooper

You are putting all the weight of your son’s ADHD and social struggles on this one birthday party — understandably, but not helpfully. Your son’s social future does not hinge on this party. Going would offer an hour or two of needed social practice, yes, and might give him a temporary (albeit welcome) shot of confidence, but that’s it.

It is the nature of special-needs parenthood (or just parenthood — discuss) to live and die by each chance to ease your child’s pain. I get it. That’s especially true when the source of pain itself blocks access to healing: Kids need peer interaction to develop social skills — and the ones who need social skills are most excluded by peers. It’s brutal to watch, and no doubt there are days you’d rather these peers just rip your heart out and get it over with.

But besides being a bad mental image over our corn flakes, it’s not what your boy needs. He needs you to (with apologies, if you’re already doing these things and I’m overreaching):

 

●Take the longest possible view, vs. overthinking one party;

●Promote independent sources of confidence — art, puzzles, reading, pets — to counteract the bruising by peers;

●Give him regular, regulated, alternative ways to develop social skills. That could mean a hobby or sport he’s good at (that aids acceptance), a therapist-run social skills group, or just some extra parental fanning of friendship sparks. Your son probably can tell you who’s friendly to him at school and needs a friend or two himself or herself.

 

●Focus on the physical. ADHD + high energy + sensitivity = a kid who can benefit greatly from a physical outlet, be it sports, martial arts, scouting, dance or a climbing-gym membership. Just take direction from his strengths and devote regular blocks on your calendar.

These efforts will help your son and help you brush off the birthday snub, which I strongly advise — along with assuming it’s not really a snub. Little-kid birthdays tend to be about convenience. Just neighbors, say, or his whole class.

You can also exercise “closest friend” privilege, if experience says you can, and explain that your kid needs the social practice . . . as long as you can mean it when you assure them “no” is a fine answer with no hard feelings attached.

Write to Carolyn Hax,

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-sons-social-development-shouldnt-hinge-on-one-birthday-party/2014/12/04/fc20b636-71a3-11e4-ad12-3734c461eab6_story.html



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Mellow Momma


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He is a year younger - maybe the kid only invites other kids his age that go to his school.

When did we become so focused on getting invited to every single party available?

I don't think this invite has anything to do with his adhd. He lives 30 miles away! Why does she WANT to go?! Lol. I would be thanking my lucky stars I didn't have to !

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Or, if he doesn't invite you, then you dont' invite him to your party. Problem solved. I told DD that this year we are not inviting any girls that haven't bothered to invite her to their parties over the years.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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I hate birthday parties. I hate when kids get invited and I hate giving them. I know this makes me a horrible mother. It's all such a headache. We threw SS his first birthday party of his life last year. I don't know what we're going to do this year.

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huskerbb


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Sorry, but your kid's problems are not everyone else's. Your kid may have a great time when he goes to these functions, but maybe the other kids are not.

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NAOW


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I don't know. I invite my friend's kids. Even the hard to deal with ones. I feel like its part of the loyalty I owe them as my friends but that is just me. I even have one friend who thanks me profusely because it means so much to her son.

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I understand that NAOW. Sometimes you bite the bullet and invite people you'd rather not have there just because. Last year we invited SS's whole family including his mom and little sister. Mom didn't come but grandma brought sister who is a little handful. I also felt a little strange around some of that side of the family. I ONLY invited mom, sister, and grandma and they brought out the whole clan. Cousins, uncles, everyone.

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lilyofcourse


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I did the birthday parties. Invited the kids they wanted to invite. Would take the cup cakes and juice to school for the class.

I didn't mind them so much.

Each on only comes once.



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The first 3 years I invited Friend's kids because those were the kids DD knew. Once she started school I invited the girls from her class. Can't invite everyone. Kept it close and local. I think this parent is over sensitive to her kid's issues.

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One year a friend of mine was upset she didn't get an invite. She is single, no kids and only kids were invited. I was PO'd at her drama.

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Southern_Belle


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

One year a friend of mine was upset she didn't get an invite. She is single, no kids and only kids were invited. I was PO'd at her drama.

 Goodness, I guess she wants to socially interact with the parents? I dislike getting invited to little kid parties. I'm not a little kid, DD isn't a little kid. 



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voiceofreason


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I have to go to an orchestra recital thingy for 4th graders. I hate being invited to events for children where my ears may bleed and by hearing permanently damaged.

As for the letter. Oh ffs. Stop being a drama llama and quit blaming **** on the kids adhd.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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I wish my SIL wouldn't invite me to her kids parties.

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lilyofcourse


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The band and chorus concerts are a whole other story. I sat through about 99 too many of those. I hated them when I was in them.

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lilyofcourse


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The ones in the auditorium are not as bad as the ones in the gym.

And awards day. Good night in the morning why? Just why in God's name why?



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lilyofcourse wrote:

The ones in the auditorium are not as bad as the ones in the gym.

And awards day. Good night in the morning why? Just why in God's name why?

 And nowadays, awards day means everyone's name gets called for something even if we have to make up an award. I HATE that!

 



-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Monday 8th of December 2014 09:02:36 PM

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Hahahaha, the other day SS says to us, "btw, I have a concert at school in an hour." We're like "Uh yeah, you're not making that."

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lilyofcourse


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I stopped going.

I asked my kids if they really cared if I was there. They said no. Now C did want me to come to her Senior awards and I did. I will go to J and A's when theirs comes around.

But yeah. Citizenship awards drive me nuts.

Lets reward you for behaving like you should anyway.

In my day, it was just expected and not rewarded.

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

Hahahaha, the other day SS says to us, "btw, I have a concert at school in an hour." We're like "Uh yeah, you're not making that."

 Our kids got automatic failing grades if they didn't show up to the concerts. 😩



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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

Hahahaha, the other day SS says to us, "btw, I have a concert at school in an hour." We're like "Uh yeah, you're not making that."

 DD10 called me at 5:25 today in a panic.  Her chorus concert was tonight, she was wearing the wrong uniform, and needed to be changed and back at school by 6:00.  I thought it was tomorrow night!  Luckily, DH had already made it home, so he grabbed a change of clothes and met us at the school.  Geesh. 



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voiceofreason


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Ok, momma, are you on a kindle? Cuz your cute smilies are showi.g up for me but mine aren't showing up!!!

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Mellow Momma wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

Hahahaha, the other day SS says to us, "btw, I have a concert at school in an hour." We're like "Uh yeah, you're not making that."

 Our kids got automatic failing grades if they didn't show up to the concerts. 😩

 This was extra credit for him and he knew about for about a month.  I know he knew about it too because I have seen the paper in his backpack when I cleaned it out.  I just didn't pay attention to the date.  The holidays are upon us and DH and his mom have always had fluid visitation so whatever works for them is what they do.  I didn't even know if we'd have him that night.  We told him that one of the responsibilities of having a cell phone, that we have provided, is that he has to call us and let us know about stuff like this so we can go.



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Mellow Momma


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voiceofreason wrote:

Ok, momma, are you on a kindle? Cuz your cute smilies are showi.g up for me but mine aren't showing up!!!

 Nope. iPad all the way baby. 

 

And NJN - I don't blame you. I would have done the same thing. Glad it was extra credit!



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