Q. A Tragic Situation: My wife’s mother was killed by her boyfriend “Bob” 30-odd years ago from a house fire which he started. He was a drug addict and served only a short sentence due to young age, mental health issues, and that he maintained he thought he was setting fire to an empty house. We discovered Bob has totally turned his life around and is now working as a teacher. From what we can gather he is a well-respected family man and has two children. My wife lost it, saying he did not deserve to live a clean, decent life after causing so much damage in hers. I am pretty sure he has hidden his past as he was also accused of attempted murder of a child (my wife) even though he was acquitted. My wife wants to publicize Bob’s past to his family and work. I am worried about her revenge crusade and a part of me thinks a man who can turn his life around so remarkably deserves to be left alone. I am unsure how to stop her and support her emotionally at the same time.
A: This is indeed a tragic and wrenching situation that has left an understandable shadow over your wife’s life. But I agree with you that seeking revenge in the way your wife suggests will not bring her peace but just the opposite. Bob went through the criminal justice system and even if his punishment was inadequate, he served it. He has turned his life around. It may be that a social media campaign by your wife will cost Bob dearly. But it will cost her, too. There will be plenty of people who attack her and find her vindictive, and she will end up reliving the worst moments of her life over and over. Please support her by offering to go with her to a therapist to talk all this out. She needs enduring support. Even traumatic events that have taken place decades ago can rear their heads in unexpected ways, as this has for your wife. What happened to your wife cannot be undone. But with help she can accept the past and not allow it to undo her present.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I feel for her. It has to be very difficult to still mourn the loss of her mother at this man's hands while he is happily living an ideal life.
I feel for her too, but her bigger issue is holding on to this pain. I feel so much for her for that. The perp is living a great happy life, and she is not, at least from her perspective. She needs to find her happy place and try to move one, which I know is hard. He tried to kill her, that is not so easy to move beyond. but she has to for her own happiness. Being involved in calling attention to his past discretion will only lead to drama and such in her life. She really shouldn't go down that road.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
He killed her mother. She doesn't have to forget. Nor does she have to keep under wraps what he did. The TRUTH is the truth. She has no obligation to hide HIS truth in regard to her life.
However, I don't know what she will gain except more pain and misery. And, yes, people might turn on her even through her feelings are entirely understandable. And, even if she does bring this info forth it is very unlikely that it is somehow going to turn out as she envisions in her mind.
