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ed11563


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Concerns about mother-in-law's ex-con boyfriend

December 24, 2014 by AMY DICKINSON / askamy@tribune.com

DEAR AMY: My mother-in-law, who lives with my husband and me and our 18-month-old daughter, has reconnected with an ex-boyfriend from over 30 years ago. Initially, she kept the relationship a secret. Her boyfriend is an ex-con who was in prison for over 25 years. He was released and is now working full time and spending time with my MIL and occasionally coming over to our apartment to see her. We were happy for her and encouraged the relationship because he seemed like a nice guy. Today, though, after he had spent some time here yesterday, my husband found a pocketknife that had fallen in between our couch cushions. We asked and found out that it was in fact his knife. I am upset that he felt the need to bring a weapon into our home when we have a young child. Amy, I am not judging him -- I am simply making a statement about the safety of our child and how I'm not comfortable with this. I refuse to compromise when it comes to our daughter's safety and my husband is treating it as if nothing is wrong. I am extremely uncomfortable talking about this with my MIL because I know that she will see this as me attacking her man. What should I do?

 

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-- Safety First Mom

DEAR MOM: I don't consider a pocket knife a "weapon," but I do consider an ex-con with a 25-year sentence a definite risk to your household. When it comes to baby-proofing your house, I would put access to ex-cons at the top of the list.

You and your husband have every right -- and the duty as parents -- to choose who will come into your home. If your mother-in-law wants to maintain this relationship, it is her business, but you should be extra-vigilant about who spends time in your household, and that includes relatives, neighbors and any men she chooses to associate with.

You should make this abundantly clear, without worrying too much about her reaction. With her as a part of your household, her choices have consequences for all of you.

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Southern_Belle


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He paid his dues. Maybe he is rehabilitated and deserves a break. Lots of guys carry pocket knives. My dad even carries a small one. It's good for all kinds of things.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Why was he in prison for 25 yrs? Was it for a violent offense or stupid petty crap? I think that kind of makes a difference. However, it is THEIR house. And, why did she keep it a big secret? So, mom is a big girl and she can go see him at his house.
However, I don't think of a pocket knife as a weapon.

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huskerbb


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Ok, was it "pocket knife" or something bigger.

If it's truly a pocket knife as she describes--then she is WAAAAAAYYYYY over-reacting. To say it is a "weapon" is a gross overstatement and fairly ridiculous.

Now, if it's something larger, then I understand--but going off of her description, she's over-reacting.

As far as the ex-con thing, I don't know. I understand the concern, but unless he was in the klink for pedophilia, there is really no indication he's a threat to their family. I'd be cautious, but I wouldn't make it a deal-breaker with mom. Do a little digging, see what he was in for, get to know the guy.

The fact is that MOST felons will rejoin society at some point. No, they are not ALL going to be rehabilitated, and no, just because they paid their debt to society doesn't mean you have to invite them over for tea and crumpets--but I do think a little understanding is in order, especially considering he has a job, has not to date been a threat, and by the LW's own admission seems like a "nice guy".

Again, be cautious, but don't blow a stupid pocketknife out of proportion.

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huskerbb


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Why was he in prison for 25 yrs? Was it for a violent offense or stupid petty crap? I think that kind of makes a difference. However, it is THEIR house. And, why did she keep it a big secret? So, mom is a big girl and she can go see him at his house.
However, I don't think of a pocket knife as a weapon.

Well, I think this is the exact reason she kept it a secret.  She probably knew her DIL wouldn't necessarily approve.

 

However, it's out now and they know at least some things about his past and until she found a pocketknife she seemed to be ok with the guy.

 

The pocketknife incident is NOT a reason to freak out and change anything they've been doing.   



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Tangerine


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Every guy I know carries a pocketknife. They are quite useful. He really should be careful not to leave it where the baby can get to it.
As far as the jail time, it seems like he paid his dues. He has a steady job, that really says something that he was able to find and keep work.

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lilyofcourse


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I just gave all the boys a pocket knife.

I don't know anyone who DOESNT have a pocket knife.

As for the ex-con business, it must not be that big of a deal or they wouldn't even want him in the house.

LW needs to chill.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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25 years in prison is nothing to take lightly.

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lilyofcourse


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Well, it could have been murder or rape.

Or it could have been a drug charge.

We don't know what it was.

If it was a sex crime of some kind or something else serious, I would think the LW wouldn't have been happy about the time the MIL was spending with him and at the house.

Yes, 25 years is a long time.

But the punishment doesn't always fit the crime.


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Southern_Belle


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He could have spent 25 years for embezzlement. A lot of white collar crimes carry harsher sentences than things like drugs, assault and murder.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Yes, and I mentioned that earlier as well.

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