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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Prudie: Nude Selfies of Daughter
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Prudie: Nude Selfies of Daughter
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Dear Prudence,
I am the proud mother of a beautiful 22-year-old daughter. She’s been a stellar student—she graduated from an Ivy League school—and a terrific kid, and we have a great relationship. She’s living back at home after completing college and working part-time as she prepares to apply to law school. Recently, I forgot something I needed and hurriedly ran into the house. As I went by her room I saw her naked and performing sexually on camera. When we spoke about it later she didn’t seem embarrassed and explained that while it was not any of my business, it was something that she and her boyfriend do frequently when they cannot be together physically. I’m not proud of this, but the next day while she was out I sneaked a peek at her computer. I found literally hundreds of explicit pictures of my daughter with men and women, and I do mean explicit. Knowing that I violated her privacy, I’m a little apprehensive to come clean and tell her what I found while snooping on her personal computer. But I want to find out more about her extracurricular activities and express my concerns that theses types of things could have a way of coming back to haunt her later in life.

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—Freaking Out Mom

Dear Freaking,
I share your concern about your daughter's judgment given that she has neglected to put password protection on a computer loaded with explicit images. I understand your shock, but it's also true that her sex life is none of your business. Philip Larkin wrote in “Annus Mirabilis”: “Sexual intercourse began/ In nineteen sixty-three/ (which was rather late for me).” You are of proper vintage, Mom, to have experienced sexual liberation. What's different for your generation from your daughter’s is that once the deed was done, it remained only as a memory (or a baby, or an STD). But today there can be an electronic file that can follow someone the rest of his or her days. I know some young people will argue that recording and sharing such intimate moments is going to be so much the norm that if these images get loose, all they will rate is a shrug. (Experimenting with drugs was once thought to disqualify someone for the presidency, and then Barack Obama wrote a memoir in which he portrayed his youthful reliance on marijuana.) You just don't know what she's done with this sex file, whether it's private and for her own pleasure, or whether she is engaging in some sort of pornographic activity. So there is the possibility that these images are already out of her control. If the latter, I agree her having allowed this would be foolish in the extreme, but given that you violated her privacy to snoop, and that your daughter is an adult, you could permanently damage your relationship with her by revealing what you found. At the least you know she exchanges explicit images with her boyfriend. She is in love with him and thus certain he would never betray her. But I bet many of the women victimized by revenge porn felt the same way. Let’s hope that when your daughter goes to law school, a class about this area of jurisprudence will cause her to take her own privacy more seriously. But since you did stumble upon her during a highly personal moment you both wish you hadn’t seen, it’s fair for you to bring it up with her once more. Say you know she's an adult and you are sorry about intruding, but your concern is not about her relationship with her boyfriend, but the nature of the internet. Tell her you want to emphasize the importance to her future of making sure any recording of intimate activity has the highest possible security protection from prying eyes.

—Prudie

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_found_hundred_of_explicit_pictures_of_my_daughter.html

 



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NAOW


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Maybe that is how she is paying for that Ivy league education.

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huskerbb


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Not sure what mom can really do, here.

I don't think Prudie's advice of broaching the subject one more time is a bad idea, but if changes are not forthcoming, she needs to drop it.

Of course, since she is living with mom, mom could set some rules and if daughter doesn't comply--boot her out. However, I don't see that as really "solving" the issue in any meaningful way, and would probably irreparably harm their relationship.

At some point, mom has to realize that her daughter is an adult and can make whatever decisions she wants to--and if there are negative consequences to those, well, that's part of being an adult, too.

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TrudyML


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NAOW wrote:

Maybe that is how she is paying for that Ivy league education.

I agree. 



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WYSIWYG


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"Mom" was wrong to snoop in her daughter's computer.

That said, I agree that the conversation could progress from the incident she was accidentally witness to, and maybe the rest of the files can be worked in naturally in a "I know it happened at least once, because I accidentally saw it. I hope you are keeping them, and any others if you have them, secure" kind of way.

I also think that as sexting and things of that nature gain more ground in use, less and less of it will be held against you (general) if it is discovered. Imagine the scandal, back in the 50's if a woman was photographed wearing a bikini. Sexting and other naughty things on computers and phones are the modern day equivalent. Naughty, in a bikini passed on by. Naughty, naked for significant other eventually will pass too.

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huskerbb


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WYSIWYG wrote:

"Mom" was wrong to snoop in her daughter's computer.

That said, I agree that the conversation could progress from the incident she was accidentally witness to, and maybe the rest of the files can be worked in naturally in a "I know it happened at least once, because I accidentally saw it. I hope you are keeping them, and any others if you have them, secure" kind of way.

I also think that as sexting and things of that nature gain more ground in use, less and less of it will be held against you (general) if it is discovered. Imagine the scandal, back in the 50's if a woman was photographed wearing a bikini. Sexting and other naughty things on computers and phones are the modern day equivalent. Naughty, in a bikini passed on by. Naughty, naked for significant other eventually will pass too.

I agree with the last part.

 

Tattoos used to be verboten--but now many businesses wouldn't think a thing of it if they are at least somewhat discreet. 

 

Still, though, a nude selfie for your boyfriend that accidentally gets out is a bit different than photos of an orgy or whatever--or doing it for money.    



-- Edited by huskerbb on Saturday 27th of December 2014 12:41:05 PM

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well, there will be such a huge volume of information on the upcoming generation, that nobody is really going to care.

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huskerbb


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well, there will be such a huge volume of information on the upcoming generation, that nobody is really going to care.

Maybe--I guess I hope there will still be some societal mores and taboos that matter, though.  



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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So, sending a sexy tweet or pic to your husband or BF is some great moral trespass? I really dont' think the upcoming generation is going to view it as such and it will be met with a big shrug.

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huskerbb


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

So, sending a sexy tweet or pic to your husband or BF is some great moral trespass? I really dont' think the upcoming generation is going to view it as such and it will be met with a big shrug.

?????

 

No.  Didn't you read what I posted.  I said that taking a nude selfie for your boyfriend is VASTLY different than having HUNDREDS of pics with VARIOUS persons and (likely) doing it for money.   



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I did read it. I am just responding to various aspects of the conversation husker. I am not arguing with you. I agree. Just saying the new gen has lived their entire lives online.

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lilyofcourse


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I think we all do things in our early 20s that we later look back and wonder what in the world we were thinking.

Of course most of us don't have a video record of our stupid things.



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huskerbb


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I did read it. I am just responding to various aspects of the conversation husker. I am not arguing with you. I agree. Just saying the new gen has lived their entire lives online.

That's not the way it sounded--but fine.  Yes, I think that some social mores will be relaxed in the future--and this may be one of them, but I think there will still be a line somewhere that you probably don't want to cross, and it sounds like this girl probably has since there is a LOT more on her computer than just sexy pics for her boyfriend.  



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Husker I agree with u a lot more than u think. But u get hung up on nuance and sentence structure , lol.

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