TOTALLY GEEKED!

My MIL used to use placecards, too, even when there were only 6 of us. Who cares. I'm not that insecure where I would get bent out of shape when she separated my husband from me for an hour or so. Besides, we could still make eyes across the table.

Does this MIL have dementia?

Did the MIL host this dinner? Did MIL do all the work?

I can picture people laughing at the place cards and sitting where they want.

Or just not seeing the place cards, and sitting where they want to sit.

 

And if "she said her holiday was "ruined" because I ridiculed her for wanting to use place cards", it's definitely time to discuss this with her doctor.

I think for my in-laws it was just something they did. When they would come to my house, they would stand there and wait for us to tell them where to sit.

FNW wrote:

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I think for my in-laws it was just something they did. When they would come to my house, they would stand there and wait for us to tell them where to sit.

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You in the shed, you in the bathroom.... 

Fort Worth Mom wrote:

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Momala wrote:

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Why would the LW "ridicule" her MIL for using place cards? Perhaps MIL was trying to upgrade the meal to a more formal setting - something she might be more familiar with. IMHO, LW owes her MIL an apology.

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I agree, Momala.

The LW was either raised by wolves, and has no idea how a formal table is set. Or, she's just rude beyond belief.

I wouldn't be inviting her back, any time soon. What a witch. 

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 While I agree with this 100%, if the MIL allowed it to ruin her holiday, she is a fool. Brush it off and move on. Also, telling the twit that it ruined her holiday was equally rude and likely done in hopes she would "learn her lesson". 

 

What ever happened to talking things out like adults? 

 

"Twit, I thought using place cards would be a nice touch and didn't expect anyone to get upset. As you can see, everyone enjoyed the meal and conversation flowed nicely. At future meals here, you may see them again. If place cards offend you, I would understand if you declined to share the meal with us."

 

Sounds a little more mature than "my holiday was ruined!!!!!WAH!"

Never been to a meal with place cards.

I kind of always thought they came about so the host can keep up with who was who.

Now it is more ceremonial than necessary.

But yes. The LW is beyond rude.

The OP said that all she did was was her MIL why she needed a seating plan. The MIL used the word ridicule. While I think it was rude to question the hostess, and the OP was wrong, it seems that all she did was ask a question. The MIL got onto the drama llama and said she was ridiculed and it ruined her holiday. Learn to act like an adult and answer questions calmly in the spirit in which they were asked. Maybe the Op never saw place cards before, this would be an opportunity to educate her. Maybe she didn't realize the meal would be formal and it made her nervous. Use the time to put her at ease.

Instead..drama llama

We don't know that she gave her a hard time. It's just as plausible that she saw the place cards and said "oh I see you decided to use place cards this year?" And the MIL got her panties in a bunch.

They are both wrong. To take it all out on the OP is foolish. Just because someone says something rude, doesn't mean we have carte blanche to be rude back. And frankly, if your DIL noticed place cards on your table and made a comment about them, I doubt you would find offense. I further doubt she would find herself spitting teeth out. You would respond to her comment and move on. You are far more tolerant and polite than the MIL in the OP.

I'm not sure how the use of place cards can ruin a holiday. My MIL used to use them as a means to separate Mr. FNW & I every year. We just laughed it off and held hands before and after dinner.

Mellow Momma wrote:

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We don't know that she gave her a hard time. It's just as plausible that she saw the place cards and said "oh I see you decided to use place cards this year?" And the MIL got her panties in a bunch.

They are both wrong. To take it all out on the OP is foolish. Just because someone says something rude, doesn't mean we have carte blanche to be rude back. And frankly, if your DIL noticed place cards on your table and made a comment about them, I doubt you would find offense. I further doubt she would find herself spitting teeth out. You would respond to her comment and move on. You are far more tolerant and polite than the MIL in the OP.

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 We don't know, but we do know that after she asked about the place cards, she chose to ignore her hosts wishes. And sat where she pleased.

The part about this being an "ongoing dispute" boggles my mind. The LW needs to apologize, and get over herself already. (IMHO)

We haven't used place cards in years. And our kids already know, by habit, that at holiday meals, Dad is at the head of the table. I'm at the other end. The girls sit in the chairs nearest Dad. The boys sit in the chairs nearest to me. So, we have that nice boy girl, boy girl thing going.

I'm happy to say, I haven't had to knock anyone's teeth out. They are all pretty polite.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Why is the LW all of a sudden ungrateful?

Is this the first time the MIL had used the place cards?

How many times had they had this dinner without them?

Is asking your MIL a question when something is new really rude?

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 This is a great point. If she just asked about the place cards, is that rude? 

 

The fact that she sat where she wanted...we don't know who sat down first. Maybe FIL sat down first in the "wrong" spot. Maybe the OP's husband decided his mom wasn't going to separate him from his wife on a special occasion and "ruin his holiday" so he chose to sit by her... The possibilities are endless. 

 

For the record, I hate when people separate DH and I. We work opposite schedules, we don't see each other a lot. When we go out, or have a holiday meal, I want to sit by him. Yes, I could survive without sitting by him. But when time together is so precious, I don't want to spend it anywhere but next to him. Sometimes, the holiday meal is the first chance in weeks we have to sit down together at the same time and enjoy a meal. I don't want to spend it next to Aunt Bettie. 

Since having the boys, Mr. FNW & I usually sit apart from each other so one can help the boys. And when we host dinner, we are at the ends. But when MIL separated us, I was damned if I was going to let her win by letting it get to me.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I think it's up to the host. If the host says, we have assigned seating, then sit in the assigned seating. If you didn't get to sit with your spouse at dinner, then sit with him on the couch after dinner. Or, leave earlier and um, er.. have a hugging session in the back seat.

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 That's it, in a nutshell.

The host gets to decide how dinners are held, in their own homes.

(I really hate these letters, sometimes. Not enough information to know what really happened.)

But, I still think the LW should apologize to her Mother-in-law.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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And, we dont' always need to rain on someone's parade. Not everything is about "control" or whatever either. Maybe they just want it that way because they just want it that way. So what?

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That's true, too. I know for holiday dinners, I break out the Lenox china and the good silver. It's fun to "put on the dog" a little bit, for special occasions.

The LW should have kept her mouth shut, and rolled with it. 

Fort Worth Mom wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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And, we dont' always need to rain on someone's parade. Not everything is about "control" or whatever either. Maybe they just want it that way because they just want it that way. So what?

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That's true, too. I know for holiday dinners, I break out the Lenox china and the good silver. It's fun to "put on the dog" a little bit, for special occasions.

The LW should have kept her mouth shut, and rolled with it. 

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 My mom was the type who liked to make the ordinary "special'.  Like, oh let's have tea using the china tea cups.  When I was younger, I didn't get it.  I thought, what's the point.  What does it matter?  Another dish to wash, whatever.  However it was only years later that I realized how my mom would make the mundane special.  She was the kind of grandma to my kids who could put a special touch on the ordinary.  Some people have that skill.  Some people don't and don't appreciate.  I did come to appreciate it and then allow her to do it.  And, the funny thing is , my DD is much like my mom in that way.  We HAD to decorate the easter eggs in certain way and we HAD to decorate the egg carton, etc.  There is nothing wrong with that.  We need to learn to appreciate the efforts of others and not view everything as some controlling slight.

Wow, I don't see my husband a lot of the time. If my MIL sat us apart from each other I would live long enough to eat. Sit where the host wants you to sit. I don't get it. When we went to my in laws for dinner they set it up buffet style and everyone, even the kids, ate in the living room on the sofa's. That was hard for me because at our house we only eat in the kitchen at the table. But whatever. Their house. When in Rome...

NJN and Gaga, I agree. LW needs some pointers, on being a good guest.

The LW needs a book on manners.

Hopefully, Her Mother-in-law got her one for Christmas!

I would find it odd that a married couple would not be sat next to each other at a dinner. I could understand if this were a wedding and ONLY the bridesmaids/groomsmen were at the head table regardless of their marital status.

Anyway, I want more information on what happened. If the LW simply asked why there are place cards, the MIL took unnecessary offense to a simple question. If the LW's tone was snotty or rude, I could understand the MIL being miffed. In any case, I could not imagine a situation in which my holiday/special occasion would be ruined because people didn't sit in a certain spot. Barring a special reason the MIL had for wanting people in certain seats, I must say she overreacted. The LW, however, shouldn't think it ok to just go against the host's wishes.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Fort Worth Mom wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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I really don't see why asking a question is such an assault on the hostess. Especially if this was the first time they were ever used at a dinner they had had before.

Everything is not a slight against another every time.

I think everyone over reacted.

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And this is why I suspect that part of the original letter got edited out. Just look at Abby's answer:

 DEAR MUSICAL CHAIRS: One of the perks of hosting a sit-down dinner is having the privilege of controlling the seating, regardless of whether guests are friends or relatives. That it was a "family dinner" is beside the point. For you to have made such a scene that you ruined your hostess's evening was rude, and you owe her an apology.

It sounds to me like the LW did a lot more than ask a simple question.

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But who prints the letters and why would they edit out something?

I still don't think a question is rude and surely shouldn't ruin a whole evening.  

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These letters are edited for space, all the time. Newspapers only allow for so much room, for a column.

And, IMHO, making a scene, because your hostess put out place cards, is very rude. 

When you are the guest, you roll with the way the host and hostess choose to do things.

When you host, you can do things your way.

chef wrote:

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I would find it odd that a married couple would not be sat next to each other at a dinner. I could understand if this were a wedding and ONLY the bridesmaids/groomsmen were at the head table regardless of their marital status.

Anyway, I want more information on what happened. If the LW simply asked why there are place cards, the MIL took unnecessary offense to a simple question. If the LW's tone was snotty or rude, I could understand the MIL being miffed. In any case, I could not imagine a situation in which my holiday/special occasion would be ruined because people didn't sit in a certain spot. Barring a special reason the MIL had for wanting people in certain seats, I must say she overreacted. The LW, however, shouldn't think it ok to just go against the host's wishes.

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 Traditionally this is so people get to meet each other and get to know new people.  It also is better for including single people who may be at the party.  It's a long standing part of formal dining.

flan327 wrote:

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If you tell me where to sit...guess where I WON'T be sitting!

flan

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 Sit.   Stay.

 

 

 

Good girl.

Bad flannie. Bad. No cookie.

I think the DIL was rude for her actions regarding the seating chart.

I also think the MIL is being a big baby if her holiday was "ruined" because of it.


I agree that DIL should apologize--but I'm going to bet that no matter how sincere it might be, MIL is unlikely to "forgive and forget" if such a small thing sent her into a tailspin in the first place.

Drop it! DROP IT!