Help! My Mom Drove My Son Away by Fat-Shaming His Wife.

Goading Granny

Prudie advises a man whose now-dying mother enjoys haranguing plus-size loved ones.

Q. My Son Adores His Plus-Size Wife, and My Mother Despises Her: My mother has always had an unreasonable dislike for excess weight. She hardly eats and harangues her daughters and daughters-in-law each time they have a baby to lose the weight immediately. Three years ago, my eldest son brought home his bride-to-be, a sweet, lovely, voluptuous girl. My wife and I loved her instantly, but we worried about my mother’s reaction. Sure enough, she made some comments, to which my son calmly replied that if she was not polite to his beloved, she would not be invited to the wedding. My mother was furious, and my son ended up having a destination wedding to avoid the drama. Though we see my son and DIL regularly, he has not spoken to his grandmother since. They spend holidays with my DIL’s family. My mother will not promise to hold her tongue about my DIL’s “horrid fat.” In desperation, I at one point offered to pay for a personal trainer or even gastric bypass, but that only led to a huge argument with my son. Now, my mother has cancer and just months to live. I would love to have one final family gathering with every member in attendance, but my son will not attend without his wife, and he will not bring her if it means she will be subjected to unkind comments. I can’t persuade my mother to change her ways, but is there something I could say to my son to convince him to suck it up this once for the sake of family harmony and good memories?

A: The memories aren’t going to be good if on her deathbed Grandma opens her eyes, looks at your son and his wife, and says, “At least in heaven, everyone is thin.” Your mother has a mental disorder and unfortunately, she likes to try to impose that on the other women in her family. I hope most of these women have been able to roll their eyes and dismiss the sick and cruel talk from your mother. You say you recognize how awful she is, yet, in order to mollify your mother, you offered to pay for a gastric bypass for your daughter-in-law? Dad, you’re lucky your son still speaks to you. You can apologize to your son and say that you know your mother has had a lifetime problem, but her life is coming to an end, and you’re making one last request that he make an appearance by her bedside. If he won’t, you let it go, because he is entitled to say that his grandmother has crossed a line in a way that means he has had to cross her out of his life.