DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Paul" for 10 months. We met shortly after he and his fiancee broke up. Because of her, he had gone into debt, and after their breakup he lost his job.
I have helped him with money from the moment we met. He's still jobless and his unemployment benefit will end shortly, but Abby, he is careless with money. He ends up spending mine and borrows from friends who have to be paid back. Last month, he took my credit card, and within a week 1,400 euros were gone and bills were left unpaid.
Because Paul is stressed and depressed, he goes out and drinks. More than once he has spent the rent money in bars. He often gets home at 4 a.m. He's also jealous and controlling. He texts and rings me constantly and asks why I took so long to answer. If I go out for a coffee, he demands to know who with. He has a hot temper and shouts at me for the slightest thing -- like if I didn't close a door, or he thinks I didn't pay attention to something he said.
Our sex life has never been great. He blames me for that, too. He says I don't initiate it enough, and he's threatening to start going with other girls. He is also bossy. He always says I never do anything for him. Even though I work until 5:30, he expects me to bring him water, coffee, turn on the air con and stuff.
I love Paul, but I don't feel appreciated. I'm scared of what he will do when I leave. Please, Abby, I need your advice. -- TORN IN LONDON
DEAR TORN: Your Paul is an emotionally abusive, bottomless pit. He will suck you dry financially and emotionally if you let him. It's important that you get rid of him now.
If you think Paul might do something to you if you end the relationship, contact the police or a domestic abuse hotline and take their guidance. If you think he might harm himself, forget it. Paul will survive. It doesn't take a psychic to predict he will quickly find someone else to use, so don't worry about him and don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Paul" for 10 months. We met shortly after he and his fiancee broke up. Because of her, he had gone into debt, and after their breakup he lost his job.
I have helped him with money from the moment we met. He's still jobless and his unemployment benefit will end shortly, but Abby, he is careless with money. He ends up spending mine and borrows from friends who have to be paid back. Last month, he took my credit card, and within a week 1,400 euros were gone and bills were left unpaid.
Because Paul is stressed and depressed, he goes out and drinks. More than once he has spent the rent money in bars. He often gets home at 4 a.m. He's also jealous and controlling. He texts and rings me constantly and asks why I took so long to answer. If I go out for a coffee, he demands to know who with. He has a hot temper and shouts at me for the slightest thing -- like if I didn't close a door, or he thinks I didn't pay attention to something he said.
Our sex life has never been great. He blames me for that, too. He says I don't initiate it enough, and he's threatening to start going with other girls. He is also bossy. He always says I never do anything for him. Even though I work until 5:30, he expects me to bring him water, coffee, turn on the air con and stuff.
I love Paul, but I don't feel appreciated. I'm scared of what he will do when I leave. Please, Abby, I need your advice. -- TORN IN LONDON
DEAR TORN: Your Paul is an emotionally abusive, bottomless pit. He will suck you dry financially and emotionally if you let him. It's important that you get rid of him now.
If you think Paul might do something to you if you end the relationship, contact the police or a domestic abuse hotline and take their guidance. If you think he might harm himself, forget it. Paul will survive. It doesn't take a psychic to predict he will quickly find someone else to use, so don't worry about him and don't look back.
I bet it wasn't his fiance who left him in debt. She got smart and left him. He just found another cash cow.
Good grief. How do women even get involved with men like this? Hi, my fiancee left me, I'm broke & don't have a job, and I'm a controlling a-hole to boot.....want to go out sometime? Hell no loser!
I would ask the LW if she has ever gone more than a month with being "involved" with someone. There are those who just cant not be with a boyfriend.
She had target written on her and he saw it.
She needs to leave him before he bankrupts her.
Of course she wont. She will probably end up married to him. Or maybe just pregnant.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I have a hard time believing this letter is even real. There's just no way it can be.
Me too. I'm thinking a couple of bored frat boys seeing if Abby will publish their fake letter.
I agree. It's like they ticked off every item from the "worst boyfriend ever" checklist.
There isn't one positive thing about him. Even the sex is blah.
She didn't even mention that he was physically attractive. I mean something had to attract her to him & it isn't his sparkling personality or his bank account.
I have a hard time believing this letter is even real. There's just no way it can be.
Unfortunately, this same situation has happened to some of us. We (I) was just too young and stupid to see the flags.
If sex life is no good, it's because he can't get it up do to the alcohol or drugs. No chance he is cheating, although the thought has crossed his mind. He is a loser but talks big about his quals to justify why he isn't taking menial jobs. He probably does have quals but can't hold a job due to his substance abuse. All clear to me now. He spends the money because he takes it from her. Probably steals it and she doesn't call the cops because "he is depressed and will get better" uh-huh
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Even the smartest women can fall for the wrong guy. The difference is a smart woman will get out when she can while others will think things are going to change. Being insecure to begin with I think these women are even more afraid of the judgement they receive from other women so they stay to try to prove a point. My sister had a guy like this but she was determined to prove that we all just misunderstood. Until we all stopped telling her what a loser he was. I'd even try to point out anything good he did. She finally didn't have to defend him and it gave her a chance to realize how it really was.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
Even the smartest women can fall for the wrong guy. The difference is a smart woman will get out when she can while others will think things are going to change. Being insecure to begin with I think these women are even more afraid of the judgement they receive from other women so they stay to try to prove a point. My sister had a guy like this but she was determined to prove that we all just misunderstood. Until we all stopped telling her what a loser he was. I'd even try to point out anything good he did. She finally didn't have to defend him and it gave her a chance to realize how it really was.
No, they just aren't that smart.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
You just insulted a majority of women on this board. We are not not smart. We are compassionate and optimistic to a fault.
And trust me, with your attitude and the way you come across, I would much rather be married to some of these guys than you. You come across much worse than some of them...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Even the smartest women can fall for the wrong guy. The difference is a smart woman will get out when she can while others will think things are going to change. Being insecure to begin with I think these women are even more afraid of the judgement they receive from other women so they stay to try to prove a point. My sister had a guy like this but she was determined to prove that we all just misunderstood. Until we all stopped telling her what a loser he was. I'd even try to point out anything good he did. She finally didn't have to defend him and it gave her a chance to realize how it really was.
No, they just aren't that smart.
I believe this about as much as I believe that men can't control their urges. Just because you're unable to control your lust isn't on all the other men any more than a smart woman making a bad choice means all women who are taken in by men like you are stupid...lol
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
Even the smartest women can fall for the wrong guy. The difference is a smart woman will get out when she can while others will think things are going to change. Being insecure to begin with I think these women are even more afraid of the judgement they receive from other women so they stay to try to prove a point. My sister had a guy like this but she was determined to prove that we all just misunderstood. Until we all stopped telling her what a loser he was. I'd even try to point out anything good he did. She finally didn't have to defend him and it gave her a chance to realize how it really was.
No, they just aren't that smart.
What?
Explain, please.
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I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
Even the smartest women can fall for the wrong guy. The difference is a smart woman will get out when she can while others will think things are going to change. Being insecure to begin with I think these women are even more afraid of the judgement they receive from other women so they stay to try to prove a point. My sister had a guy like this but she was determined to prove that we all just misunderstood. Until we all stopped telling her what a loser he was. I'd even try to point out anything good he did. She finally didn't have to defend him and it gave her a chance to realize how it really was.
No, they just aren't that smart.
What?
Explain, please.
Dont you get it? She should have made better decisions. He is "just a guy" after all.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
You just insulted a majority of women on this board. We are not not smart. We are compassionate and optimistic to a fault.
And trust me, with your attitude and the way you come across, I would much rather be married to some of these guys than you. You come across much worse than some of them...
And to add a bit to what Ohfour said so well... there is a lot involved in the word, "smart". How does one define it? Financially? Emotionally? Does it mean you have a high IQ? Does it mean you're cynical? Does it mean that when your capacity for love exceeds your cynicism that you aren't "smart"? There is too much involved in "smart" to give it a casual yes or no when you're describing a person. People aren't either "smart" or "dumb" - there are a million shades and values inbetween.
I didn't bold all of Ohfour's words because I believe you're quite different in person than your board persona lets on, Husker.
Pretty sure even wives that married a hard azz are smart too, but still love their hard azz so she works to make it work, not that the hard azz can see that through the forest.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
You know, I understand where Husker's comment comes from. I used to say that too, until that dumb girl was me.
There are still times I look back and wonder what the H I was thinking. How could I be so stupid to fall for all his lies?
For me it was a gradual thing. In the beginning he was great. He was sweet, attentive, employed. Over time, all of that deteriated and was replaced by a needy, controlling jerk who had basically brainwashed me to believe *I* was the source of all his problems. I just needed to love him more. I just needed to do more for him. I needed to stop doing things to upset him.
I did finally "wise up" and leave. But it wasn't easy. And even now, nearly two years later, I still feel the effects of the harm he did.
DG, in the beginning, he manipulated you. That is not your fault. He presented a false front and it was only later that his true character was shown. Again, that is not your fault.
Wisely, you got out. I am glad you do escape. You deserve better. You deserve a real man.
And if I remember right, you did not marry him. So see, you were wise.
__________________
I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
I agree with just Czech's interpretation of husker's "No, they just aren't that smart." comment. I don't think he was referring to all women. I think he was suggesting that if they were so smart, they wouldn't pick failures.
I agree with that. If you are smart, your mind rules your choices (and makes good decisions). If you are emotional, your heart rules, and the decisions are, well, whatever they are.
