Q. Daughter’s Cancer Stricken Boyfriend Expects Too Much: My 16-year-old daughter began dating a classmate in April. Two months ago, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Overnight, he and his family came to demand a ridiculous amount of commitment from my daughter. She is expected to organize gatherings of their friends, come to appointments, and do whatever she can to lift his spirits. She feels overwhelmed by his parents’ demands, and my husband and I feel wary at how she become “the one bright spot” in his life. Thanks to movies like The Fault in Our Stars and 50/50, as well as to his parents, she thinks only “bitches” dump their cancer stricken boyfriends. I worry she will implode if she doesn’t take some healthy distance from him. As a parent of someone on the cusp of legal adulthood, what should I do?
A: You can understand the agony the boys’ parents are experiencing, and their desire for him to feel loved and attended to by his friends. But I agree that a 16 year-old girlfriend of a few months’ being the main source of solace for an ill classmate is a heavy burden and one that should not be imposed on her, even by suffering parents. Given the ages of the kids involved and the sensitivities, I think you and your husband can rightly step in. You two should set up a meeting with his parents. Before you do, go over what you want to say and how you want to say it, because there is something churlish in the tone of your letter you want to strictly avoid. Yes, you are rightly looking out for the emotional health of your daughter, but you don’t want to come off as expressing that the expectations they are putting on her are of an equivalent nature of his confronting a potentially lethal illness. You want to express your deep concern for their son and for them. Then you explain that you want to help spearhead an effort to organize his friends—perhaps with the help of the school—to have his classmates visit and do other things to lift his spirits. Say that you have realized your daughter is not equipped to carry so much of this responsibility alone. Then, with their permission, talk to the teachers and other parents about organizing his classmates. You also need your daughter to understand that as much as she cares for her boyfriend, she is still a girl, and he is not her husband, and there are limits to what she can do. If she needs to talk through her worry and guilt with a counselor, get her one. It’s perfectly reasonable that she needs help doing the right thing for this young man and for herself.
Yes. I mean, that is a very difficult thing for him but as her mother, I might tell his family that she needs to take a step back at this point and that this is much beyond her to grasp at this point.
I think she may also be looking to her mom to tell her it's OK to feel like she does and step up for her and allow her to say No to some of these demands. And if they are guilt inducing her or running her ragged, then the parents need to step in and say Enough.
I certainly feel sympathy for the boy's parents - they likely have no idea how to handle this, either. But I agree that the girl's parents have to step in here, and even be the bad guy if necessary.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Yes. And, i think maybe even break up. That doesn't mean she can't care about him and help him but she shouldn't be thrust into the role of a wife at 16.
I think those movies referenced in the OP have also painted some wonderful moment where you get to bond with people and "really live life" when you're dying from cancer. The reality is far from that. This boy's parents may have visions of parties and trips etc, but most likely, it's not going to be as warm and fuzzy as they think.
The boy and his family will have a social worker assigned by the treatment center. Get them involved. They can explain the realities of the situation and help everyone understand their role and limits.
Why the heck is she going to his doctor's appointments? That isn't appropriate and his parents need to understand that the time with the doctor is not couple time.
I feel for his parents but I just don't understand how you choose to burden another child like this. I would probably be more upset that she was "always around" - I would want quality time with my child if his time was limited.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I actually have to wonder if this is also affecting her grades. As her parent, I'd really be concerned about her well-being, and I would probably make her back-off, and I would tell the parents why.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree that the parents of the girl need to step in--but--I do not think that the parents of the boy will take that in good spirit and they need to be prepared to be painted as the "bad guys" in this situation.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
