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Post Info TOPIC: Toxic Friend
ed11563


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Toxic Friend
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DEAR AMY: I have a friend who is not really a friend at all. We attend graduate school together. What started out as being in the same study group and saying "hello" in the hallway has turned into a toxic relationship that I can't endure. "Emily" always has a million problems, which she deems much worse than what anyone else is going through. For instance, when I told her my childhood pet was very sick and needed to be put to sleep, she told me to "quit throwing myself a pity party" because she had "real" problems. I have tried just listening politely to her problems, then started distancing myself from her, but this only led to her becoming needier. She regularly asks for updates on where I am, what I'm doing, what I'm eating, etc., and passes judgment on all aspects of my life. I have gently informed her I am an adult and do not appreciate this unsolicited advice or being burdened with her problems, but nothing seems to work. I do not know what else to do. The school is small, and we still have a few years left together, so I don't want to blow her off completely and risk seeming unprofessional, but I also can't tolerate her anymore. Do you have suggestions for "breaking up" with her as gracefully as possible?

Fed Up with "Frenemy"

DEAR FED UP: You have already expressed yourself quite plainly. Based on what you say about this person, she will neither hear nor heed you.

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And so it is time to engage in politeness again.

You should avoid her if you can, but give her as little of yourself as possible when you do intersect. This is a quiet backing away from someone with whom you don't wish to engage.

If she approaches you, listen politely but don't offer intimate details of your own in response. If she says her back hurts (or she is fighting with her sister, or having trouble finishing her dissertation), respond, "I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds tough." There are valid reasons not to confront someone you perceive as toxic and/or volatile. School ties (loosely and cordially tied) can sometimes evolve into genial and professionally fruitful associations over time.

If she confronts you, tell her the truth: that you feel the friendship was not balanced and so you are keeping some distance -- but that you wish her well.

 

 



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TrudyML


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Run away! Cut her loose!

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voiceofreason


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LW doesn't want to appear unprofessional...to whom? The toxic woman doesn't appear to possess any professionalism and probably wouldn't recognize it if it bit her in the ass.

This is a good time to implement a CTJ talk. I recommend starting the talk with "what the **** is WRONG with you?"

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Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

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I suggest she ignore all her calls and texts and if she sees her in person she nods and keeps walking. How hard is it?

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Lexxy


My dog name is Sasha, too!

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I'm pretty sure if I told someone my family pet was dying & they responded the way she did I would have said fyck off bytch & never spoken to them again.

Why is she even answering her calls & texts asking where she is & what is she doing?

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Southern_Belle


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I would stop responding. She will get the hint sooner or later.

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lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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After a while, polite doesn't cut it.

At this point I would be telling her to leave me alone, shut up, go away, I don't want to around you and any other thing that came to mind.

I don't get why it is so hard for people to stand up for themselves and put their foot down.



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Lexxy wrote:

I'm pretty sure if I told someone my family pet was dying & they responded the way she did I would have said fyck off bytch & never spoken to them again.

Why is she even answering her calls & texts asking where she is & what is she doing?

 I know, right? Screw that. 



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I know what to do_sometimes


Frozen Sucks!

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Well in a professional environment you don't tell people to f*ck off. You may have business dealings with them in the near future. What you have to do is manage the relationship and bring it back down to a level of acquaintance, one where that whiner is not going to seek you out to talk your ear off. Always be polite, let the convo go for 2 minutes and then excuse yourself.

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aergia


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excusing oneself...moving on, going to a meeting etc....

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karl271


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Why would she describe the person as a friend. Suddenly everyone is a stranger or a friend. Whatever happened to acquaintances??

And why keep on responding. People need more indignation and the ability to stand up for themselves.

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Just take it easy and think it over.
aergia


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The icy M Manners stare, the archly said, And why would you ask me about that?
I dont know anyone who would ask such a thing...moving on

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