Dear Prudence, My wife is CEO of a small company and puts in long hours; we’re both textbook workaholics. A few weeks ago, she mentioned that she’d been noticing two small lumps in one of her breasts for a couple of months, but she hadn’t had them examined because she didn’t have time. Since then, I’ve been urging her to make an appointment with a doctor. She always finds an excuse to delay, and as of this morning, she screamed at me to get out of her face, quit nagging her, and not bring up the subject again. What can I do to persuade her to take the lumps seriously and have them examined, when she perceives so many other things as more immediately urgent, and now reacts with intense and almost abusive anger when I try to remind her?
—Worried
Dear Worried, Your wife may be screaming at you for bothering her about something that’s none of your business, but it is your business, and no matter how busy she is, this must be attended to. She’s the one who told you about the lumps, so despite how she’s acting now, her worries were big enough she couldn’t keep them a secret. Telling you may have been an (unconscious) ploy on her part. Now that you’ve taken on the burden of being concerned about what those lumps might mean, she’s offloaded her fear onto you, and can bury her denial in work. It’s not working. Yes, she’s behaving terribly, but you have to try to get past this. Pick a moment when things are quiet and calm—maybe when you are on the couch watching TV together. During a commercial put the sound on mute, take her hands, and say you have to talk. Tell her there’s no one more precious to you than her, and you simply can’t ignore an important symptom that requires a trip to the doctor. Say most breast lumps are benign, but when someone finds one (or two) it simply must be checked out. Tell her letting this go is not an option. Say that in the morning she—or you if need be—are going to call her gynecologist to make an appointment, and that you will go there together. If she refuses even this entreaty, then say you are calling her doctor to report that you’re concerned she found two lumps in her breast, and you are hoping the doctor will contact her and insist this has to be looked at.
—Prudie
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I don't like Prudies advice. I totally understand this woman. I've been there. But my husband would never ever ever call my doctor. We have a very strict my body my choice agreement.
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I'm the Ginger Rogers of spelling...that means I'm smat.
Lesson learned in February: I don't have to keep up, I just have to keep moving!
I don't like Prudies advice. I totally understand this woman. I've been there. But my husband would never ever ever call my doctor. We have a very strict my body my choice agreement.
Since you have been there, what would you advise?
I don't like Prudies advice either, but I'm not sure what the right answer is.
I don't know what the best thing to do is. It's just so personal. If she's reacting like that, he really doesn't have too much control. He could issue the ultimatum but be prepared for her to not react the way he wants her to.
I just don't know. I'm lucky my husband gets me and let me work through it at my own pace.
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I'm the Ginger Rogers of spelling...that means I'm smat.
Lesson learned in February: I don't have to keep up, I just have to keep moving!
Yea. I guess there is no right answer. I wouldn't react well to an ultimatum, or having someone call my doctor for me. But I can understand that the husband is probably worried sick too.
He should make her the appointment (he doesn't actually have to speak to the doctor to do that), and tell her when it is by leaving a note on the table - then it's her choice to go or miss it.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Whether you are a CEO or Queen of the Universe, you are a mortal. And, life will go on without you. So, if you want to throw away your life because you are sooooo important at your job and leave you husband a widowerer, then I guess that is your choice. But, the only people who really CARE if you do take care of yourself is your family. The rest of the world will just step over your body and keep going. So, stop being a martyr and go to the doctor!
Whether you are a CEO or Queen of the Universe, you are a mortal. And, life will go on without you. So, if you want to throw away your life because you are sooooo important at your job and leave you husband a widowerer, then I guess that is your choice. But, the only people who really CARE if you do take care of yourself is your family. The rest of the world will just step over your body and keep going. So, stop being a martyr and go to the doctor!
I agree. Her husband loves her and he is scared too.
I have seen too many people burn themselves out for a thankless job. For what? Yes, work hard. But, people get sick. We are human beings. There are times in life you have to step back and take care of yourself. It may turn out to be nothing and then she can move on and get back to work.
Suck it up and go. That tiny cut on my face? Asked the ob/gyn. Full blown skin cancer. Now I wear glasses, had another surgery over it 2 weeks ago. And expect more. Got to go get the boobogram because of it. Well, and just to get one.
