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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Carolyn: I Don't Want to be a Godparent
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Carolyn: I Don't Want to be a Godparent
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Hi Carolyn:

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997, after five years as a copy editor and news editor in Style and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis -- Carolyn's ex-husband -- and appears in over 200 newspapers. View Archive

Can I turn down being the godmother? My sister is 12 years younger than I am and is six months pregnant at age 35. I have one 22-year-old son and, as much as I love being his mother, am looking forward to finally being able to do a lot of the things I put off while he was at home and in college.

As the only sibling, I have a feeling that my sister is going to ask me and my husband to be the godparents of her child, which I don’t want to do for two reasons: 1. We are not religious in any sense of the word and 2. As much as I love my sister, I do not want to raise another child. (I know that’s not the definition of a godparent, but it appears that most people, including my sister, equate “godparent” with “guardian” these days.)

Is this incredibly selfish of me, and should I just agree because I am her only sibling — her husband is an only child — or is there a way to gently suggest that someone closer to her age would be a more appropriate choice?

 

I have every intention of being very involved in my new niece or nephew’s life. I just can’t imagine being a parent again at my age if the unthinkable were to happen.

Anonymous

I don’t think anyone should be a parent who is wholly uninterested in being one. So, being true to yourself here is important, even if it will get you tagged as selfish. It will — I know this from a past bear-poking episode. When I backed a sibling’s decision to say no to a request to be the worst-case-scenario parent of record , I heard about it.

The thing is, though, neither of the reasons you cite means you have to say no to the godparent request. You can be honest with your sib and say you’re not sure you’ll be the godparent she wants, given your absence of religion and your desire to be child-free. However, you can be the child’s guardian in the sense of choosing a home that’s better for the child than yours, in the event the unthinkable happens, and of managing finances and legal issues.

You can agree to be more like a fairy godmother than a substitute mother. An assurance that you’ll make sure the child is okay — I assume you’re willing to do that — is honest information that allows your sister to adjust her plans and expectations accordingly.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-being-a-godmother-is-an-offer-she-could-refuse/2015/01/30/647e9b7c-9e6c-11e4-a7ee-526210d665b4_story.html

 



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NAOW


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I like the answer given.

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flan327


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But...will she watch her neighbor's cat????

flan

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just Czech


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Being a godparent does not automatically make you a guardian. The sister needs to have a will in place for the care of her child if anything were to happen to both parents.
Go ahead and accept the honor, because that is what it really is, an honor to be a godparent.

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lilyofcourse


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If you don't want to, don't.

A God parent is supposed to help in the child's religious growth. The OP says they are not religious.

And she clearly says she doesn't want to.

It isn't an honor if it feels like a burden.



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just Czech


Give Me Grand's!

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lilyofcourse wrote:

If you don't want to, don't.

A God parent is supposed to help in the child's religious growth. The OP says they are not religious.

And she clearly says she doesn't want to.

It isn't an honor if it feels like a burden.

It only feels like a burden if you make it a burden. It's really not that hard.

You do not have to be religious in some churches. In other churches, you have to be a member to be a godparent. Our church is the latter. 



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lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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So you should just because even if you don't want to?

Nah. If I don't want to do something like that, I wont.

It isnt an honor if you don't want it.



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voiceofreason


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Dear anonymous,

Oh ffs.

VoR

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just Czech


Give Me Grand's!

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voiceofreason wrote:

Dear anonymous,

Oh ffs.

VoR

I'm seeing a trend here.... 



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ed11563


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Two of my cousins named me as the person to raise their little daughters, just in case.

Well, all the parents are still alive, and the little girls are now both over 21.

 

Where can I get a little girl to raise?



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Honeys_Mom


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ed11563 wrote:

Two of my cousins named me as the person to raise their little daughters, just in case.

Well, all the parents are still alive, and the little girls are now both over 21.

 

Where can I get a little girl to raise?

Ed, are you kidding or do you really have the desire to raise another child? 



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My parents are godparents to two of my cousins, siblings. They are the named legal guardians of all three as well.
They have no desire to raise more children, nor are they religious, but you bet they would step up if something terrible happened.
I feel like the world is becoming very self centered these days. I mean, all she can think is "Geez, if my sis dies I hope I don't get stuck with her kid."?

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ed11563


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Honeys_Mom wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

Two of my cousins named me as the person to raise their little daughters, just in case.

Well, all the parents are still alive, and the little girls are now both over 21.

 

Where can I get a little girl to raise?

Ed, are you kidding or do you really have the desire to raise another child? 

A baby would be a problem because of my age (too old). However, I have been a good parent, and the skills don't just disappear. 

From holding little ones on my shoulder and rocking them in the rocking chair, to reading to/with each of them at bedtime,

through school, teaching them to drive and be self-confident adults,

I wouldn't have missed a second of it for the world.

Would I happily do it again? YES !!!

COULD I do it again? I don't think I have the strength or the years left.

 

But if a cousin left me her child to raise? Now?

YES.

 



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FNW


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We wanted SIL and my brother, but neither are practicing Catholics, meaning neither have registered as parishioners in a church in their area. So my parents did it, as they were the only ones we felt were close enough to the boys to do it. Brother and SIL were fairy Godparents. And our will ensures that in the event of the unthinkable, SIL will assist with financial matters, but physical well-being will be left with my parents, if not them, to my brother in light of SIL's cats and my son's extreme allergy.

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Lawyerlady


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I really can't get past the idea that she would "find a home" for her family like they are dogs. She is the only sibling on either side that could take care of them.

Sometimes, you do what you have to do, regardless of what you would prefer to do.

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Lexxy


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I was curious to see you weigh in on this one LL.

I think my brother would rather have my niece raised by wolves than me.

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Lexxy wrote:

I was curious to see you weigh in on this one LL.

I think my brother would rather have my niece raised by wolves than me.

 And you know what?  I am one who does not think you owe family anything just because they are blood - but we are talking children here.  I rarely spoke to my sister, she and I did not get along, but she never doubted for a second that I would take her kids, and we never hesitated to take Baby J when the time came.  It just blows me away, really, that with no other family available, she'd rather they be adopted out.



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Lexxy


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Lexxy wrote:

I was curious to see you weigh in on this one LL.

I think my brother would rather have my niece raised by wolves than me.

 And you know what?  I am one who does not think you owe family anything just because they are blood - but we are talking children here.  I rarely spoke to my sister, she and I did not get along, but she never doubted for a second that I would take her kids, and we never hesitated to take Baby J when the time came.  It just blows me away, really, that with no other family available, she'd rather they be adopted out.

 If anything ever happened to my brother & SIL my mom would take me niece in a heartbeat.  If for some horrible twist of fate all three were gone I'd take my niece but she is 14yo now.  I honestly don't know if I would have taken my niece when she was as young as Baby J.  I'm not good with kids & fairly terrified of infants. 



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ed11563


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Lexxy wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lexxy wrote:

I was curious to see you weigh in on this one LL.

I think my brother would rather have my niece raised by wolves than me.

 And you know what?  I am one who does not think you owe family anything just because they are blood - but we are talking children here.  I rarely spoke to my sister, she and I did not get along, but she never doubted for a second that I would take her kids, and we never hesitated to take Baby J when the time came.  It just blows me away, really, that with no other family available, she'd rather they be adopted out.

 If anything ever happened to my brother & SIL my mom would take me niece in a heartbeat.  If for some horrible twist of fate all three were gone I'd take my niece but she is 14yo now.  I honestly don't know if I would have taken my niece when she was as young as Baby J.  I'm not good with kids & fairly terrified of infants. 

I think a lot of people who didn't have infants in their home growing up, are terrified of them, 

until they have one. Then they're too busy to be terrified.

Very likely, you'd have been fine and done a wonderful job as a substitute Mom.

 

 



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Lexxy


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ed11563 wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lexxy wrote:

I was curious to see you weigh in on this one LL.

I think my brother would rather have my niece raised by wolves than me.

 And you know what?  I am one who does not think you owe family anything just because they are blood - but we are talking children here.  I rarely spoke to my sister, she and I did not get along, but she never doubted for a second that I would take her kids, and we never hesitated to take Baby J when the time came.  It just blows me away, really, that with no other family available, she'd rather they be adopted out.

 If anything ever happened to my brother & SIL my mom would take me niece in a heartbeat.  If for some horrible twist of fate all three were gone I'd take my niece but she is 14yo now.  I honestly don't know if I would have taken my niece when she was as young as Baby J.  I'm not good with kids & fairly terrified of infants. 

I think a lot of people who didn't have infants in their home growing up, are terrified of them, 

until they have one. Then they're too busy to be terrified.

Very likely, you'd have been fine and done a wonderful job as a substitute Mom.

 

 

 Thanks Ed.  I'm very thankful that I never had to find out!



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