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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Miss Manners: Siblings Don't Want Widowed Dad to Date
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our mother passed away two years ago, and now our father has started to date. While I am happy he has a companion (he is 60), my brother and sister are not. They are mad at our dad and want nothing to do with her.

Our dad is very hurt by this, and it is causing some major rifts in the family. Dad recently asked my brother and sister to meet his new girlfriend, but they refused and were very rude about it.

I live 1,800 miles away from home, so I hear about what is going on only through phone conversations. It angers me that my brother and sister are treating Dad like he is doing something wrong.

Is this something only time can mend? Or is there something I can tell my brother and sister to stop their making this a big deal, and letting Dad find some happiness while he still can?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners agrees that your siblings' reactions are selfish, they are nevertheless visceral and unlikely merely to fade. You do have to talk to them, but she cautions against denying that it is a big deal.

To them, it dishonors their mother's memory, or at least indicates that she has been forgotten, which would be a big deal. But as she was also your mother, you may be in a position to persuade them that it does not mean any such thing.

The usual argument is that the deceased would have wanted the surviving spouse to be happy and to be taken care of. The first part is not always plausible in regard to finding happiness with someone else, but the second probably is.

You can make that vivid by saying that your father is growing older (everyone is, so this is true no matter what his age and health), and that you cannot expect them to be always around to check on him. And that while you worry about him, living 1,800 miles away you cannot do so. They may then see the advantage of delegating the daily monitoring to someone who, although by no means a replacement for your mother, is also emotionally attached to him.

http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2015/2/3/invitations-by-text-are-undignififed-but

 



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Southern_Belle


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My sisters were like this when our dad started dating again. I was glad. He had been so sad an lonely. They met in a brevement group. She's a nice lady.

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Selfish brats

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Nobody is replacing one's mother. But, life is for the living and let Dad enjoy the rest of his life.

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lilyofcourse


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It has only been two years since they lost their mother. And if this is the first woman their father has dated, well, I can see how they are still hurting and they are taking it out on this new woman.

No. It isn't right. But a person cant control how they feel.


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Southern_Belle


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Two years is a long time to be alone. Men are most likely to find a relationship sooner. If they were in a really good marriage they are seeking that again.

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Lawyerlady


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

Selfish brats

 Yep.



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flan327


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lilyofcourse wrote:

It has only been two years since they lost their mother. And if this is the first woman their father has dated, well, I can see how they are still hurting and they are taking it out on this new woman.

No. It isn't right. But a person cant control how they feel.

 But they CAN control their actions.

flan



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Southern_Belle


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flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

It has only been two years since they lost their mother. And if this is the first woman their father has dated, well, I can see how they are still hurting and they are taking it out on this new woman.

No. It isn't right. But a person cant control how they feel.

 But they CAN control their actions.

flan

 This! They may not like it but too bad! They don't have to be jerks.



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Ohfour


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flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

It has only been two years since they lost their mother. And if this is the first woman their father has dated, well, I can see how they are still hurting and they are taking it out on this new woman.

No. It isn't right. But a person cant control how they feel.

 But they CAN control their actions.

flan

EXACTLY.  I learned this the hard way.  You cannot control your thoughts or your feelings.  They are there and always will be. What you DO with them is entirely up to you.   



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Honeys_Mom


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

Selfish brats

The special snowflakes really need to suck it up and think of their dad's feelings for once.  I wonder if the writer is older than the two who are acting so selfish?



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lilyofcourse


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I didn't say they couldn't. I see that as more of a given as opposed to something that has to be said.

But they should be able to talk openly and honestly with their father and each other. That is what a family does.

I agree, father should be able to date. And his date should be treated respectfully.



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TrudyML


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I would have loved if my mother found someone.

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Ohfour


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lilyofcourse wrote:

I didn't say they couldn't. I see that as more of a given as opposed to something that has to be said.

But they should be able to talk openly and honestly with their father and each other. That is what a family does.

I agree, father should be able to date. And his date should be treated respectfully.

What should they say?  I don't like this woman because she is not our mother?  That's pretty ****ty.  They have no other reason not to like her. 



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Momala


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Sister can approach the siblings by saying "Mom and Dad had such a good marriage; Mom would have wanted Dad to be happy again; New Date is not trying to "replace" Mom - she is only interested in making Dad happy again. The more successful the marriage, the more likely the surviving spouse is to start dating again.

A couple of months after my Father passed away, I let my Mother know that it would be OK with me if she started dating. Because of health issues, she never did, but at least she knew that I wanted her happy.



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Lexxy


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My Mom went on one date with an old neighbor after my Dad died. She told me about it & we talked for a bit because she was nervous & maybe a little excited. She hadn't been on a date since she was 18 or so. She didn't really enjoy it & never went on another, but she knew I was supportive if she wanted to.

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lilyofcourse


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Ohfour wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I didn't say they couldn't. I see that as more of a given as opposed to something that has to be said.

But they should be able to talk openly and honestly with their father and each other. That is what a family does.

I agree, father should be able to date. And his date should be treated respectfully.

What should they say?  I don't like this woman because she is not our mother?  That's pretty ****ty.  They have no other reason not to like her. 

 Yes. Exactly. If that is what they need to do. Why cant family talk to each other? Tell each other how they feel?

If they could have a real open, honest conversation, two things could come from it.

It could help them heal as a family.

And it could help them hear how it sounds when they say why they don't like her.

If they cant talk to each other, and help each other through things like this, what kind of family are they?



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Ohfour


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lilyofcourse wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I didn't say they couldn't. I see that as more of a given as opposed to something that has to be said.

But they should be able to talk openly and honestly with their father and each other. That is what a family does.

I agree, father should be able to date. And his date should be treated respectfully.

What should they say?  I don't like this woman because she is not our mother?  That's pretty ****ty.  They have no other reason not to like her. 

 Yes. Exactly. If that is what they need to do. Why cant family talk to each other? Tell each other how they feel?

If they could have a real open, honest conversation, two things could come from it.

It could help them heal as a family.

And it could help them hear how it sounds when they say why they don't like her.

If they cant talk to each other, and help each other through things like this, what kind of family are they?

 There's nothing to talk about.  They've made it clear they don't want their dad to date. ANYONE.  He's going to, so they are angry.  I don't know what else can be said...they are ****ty kids.



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burns07


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the " kids " need to grow up--this in no way " dishonors " their mother's memory--their parents' vows were ( probably ) " till death do us part "--well, death has parted them and dad is facing the rest of this life alone--where is their compassion, their consideration for their father ?--lord, what entitled twits--good for dad, he's moving on--which beats the alternative to a life of loneliness

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lilyofcourse


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All I am saying is, they should all be able to talk to each other.

Anger is a form of grief.

It may have been two years, but obviously they are not ready for this.

I know. They need to grow up. Think about their dad's happiness. Shut their mouths and stay out of it.

But let me ask you this. If they keep their feelings to themselves on this, and they end up with this woman as a step mom, do you really think they will ever accept her?

They all need to be able to talk to each other about how they feel.

It doesn't mean they dictate anyone's actions.

I know I would want my kids to feel they could come to me and tell me how they feel, in a respectful way of course. I think that is what families do. They talk to each other. Help each other through hard times.

I don't know why it has to be an either/or situation.

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Charley Harper
JPT


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Last I looked, marriage vows plainly state "Til Death do we part"

My mother passed after a brief illness (cancer) in January of 1985. Dad was devastated, and having spent most of his life married to her, was understandably lonely. He showed up at a family function in July with a lady, which shocked some of my siblings. She moved in with Dad (with her kids) in November.
Luckily all of us were supportive, and while it definitely wasn't The Brady Bunch, the family meshed as best it could. Dad passed in 2013, Step mother is still living, and my brother keeps an eye on her.

We were lucky that my stepmother didn't try to "mother" any of us (we were all adults by then), and no one forgot Mom.

Every year since he passed, her kids/grandkids have phoned us or facebooked with a memory of Dad (yes, they called him DAD)

I feel for this family,as burns says, they need to grow up.

Oh, and as for memories...my stepmother still finds bits and pieces as she goes through things, and always sends stuff that she thinks we should have. 2013, she sent me a birthday card, and inside was something she said was in Dad's "treasure box" It was the hospital bracelet from when I was born. I cried for a bit over that...

She made Dad's last 25 years happy, and to me, a precious thing...

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flan327


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lilyofcourse wrote:

All I am saying is, they should all be able to talk to each other.

Anger is a form of grief.

It may have been two years, but obviously they are not ready for this.

I know. They need to grow up. Think about their dad's happiness. Shut their mouths and stay out of it.

But let me ask you this. If they keep their feelings to themselves on this, and they end up with this woman as a step mom, do you really think they will ever accept her?

They all need to be able to talk to each other about how they feel.

It doesn't mean they dictate anyone's actions.

I know I would want my kids to feel they could come to me and tell me how they feel, in a respectful way of course. I think that is what families do. They talk to each other. Help each other through hard times.

I don't know why it has to be an either/or situation.

 They don't accept her now...ONLY because she's NOT their mom.

flan



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FNW


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My friend died and her husband met someone at the grief relief meeting. They started dating and are "serious". I think they met a couple weeks after his wife's death. They were married 50 years. His children are not speaking to him.

Now he does have the right to date, and his children need to accept that. But I think the fact that he let no grass grow under his feet is what is upsetting to them.

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JPT


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flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

All I am saying is, they should all be able to talk to each other.

Anger is a form of grief.

It may have been two years, but obviously they are not ready for this.

I know. They need to grow up. Think about their dad's happiness. Shut their mouths and stay out of it.

But let me ask you this. If they keep their feelings to themselves on this, and they end up with this woman as a step mom, do you really think they will ever accept her?

They all need to be able to talk to each other about how they feel.

It doesn't mean they dictate anyone's actions.

I know I would want my kids to feel they could come to me and tell me how they feel, in a respectful way of course. I think that is what families do. They talk to each other. Help each other through hard times.

I don't know why it has to be an either/or situation.

 They don't accept her now...ONLY because she's NOT their mom.

flan

 

Well, here's where they have to stop viewing her as replacing their mother.  Their late mother wasn't just their mother, she was HIS wife.  He's not going to forget her because he remarries.

 

FFS, what if the kids married,and divorced, and then wanted to remarry, should the father refuse to accept the new spouse?  How would they feel about that>



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JPT


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FNW wrote:

My friend died and her husband met someone at the grief relief meeting. They started dating and are "serious". I think they met a couple weeks after his wife's death. They were married 50 years. His children are not speaking to him.

Now he does have the right to date, and his children need to accept that. But I think the fact that he let no grass grow under his feet is what is upsetting to them.

 Dad met stepmother in AA meetings, and knew her even before Mom passed.  Doesn't mean they were romantically involved before that.  

 

People can bond quickly in an emotionally charged environment.



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lilyofcourse


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I don't think I am saying what I mean.

Yes, dad has all the right in the world to date.

And the kids have all the right in the world to their feelings.

They ALL need to talk about it. Work it out between them.

They need to be a family and help each other through the rough spots.

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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
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