Raising Gender Atypical Children
It is the privilege of the pediatrician to play a role in some of the more private, sentinel moments in a child’s life. We do this by offering guidance and support to children and parents and by making the child’s well-being the overwhelming priority.
Each child is a unique story, a mosaic of experiences, illnesses and strengths. Families will face different struggles – bedwetting, food allergies, or cancer. Some families will have to deal with something few of us are equipped to handle – gender atypical children. A recent article in Contemporaty Pediatrics provided guidance for pediatricians on how to care for the gender atypical child. By sharing these techniques with families, pediatricians can help guide the child’s caregivers through what surely must feel like a minefield, littered by stereotypes, cultural expectations and general confusion.
Why do gender atypical children need particular attention? Anyone who works with children knows well that being “atypical” in any sense is like painting a bulls eye on a child’s back. We are only beginning to be conscious of our language and expectations regarding gender atypical children. It is an opening for self-doubt, internal and external criticism. Depending on the family, a gender atypical child can be a blessing, an anomaly, a challenge or an abomination. The pediatrician can advocate for the child and can offer parents tools to engage with their gender atypical child.
Pediatricians are trained to engage in neutral, non-judgmental conversations with children. These dialogues give insight into the child’s experience and screens for unhappiness or anxiety. Parents can use these same conversation starters.
- As your child how he/she would like to be identified. “How do you feel about descriptions like “male” or “female”? What would you want to call yourself?” Showing respect for the child’s feelings establishes a safe environment for more difficult conversations.
- Don’t tell your child (or yourself) that this is “just a phase.” While some gender atypical behaviors are transient, others are not and deeming them “a phase” implies the expectation that it is negative and should pass.
- Ask your child how he/she is interacting with friends. “Do other kids or adults pick on you or say things to hurt your feelings?”
- Get to know how your child feels about him/herself. “Sometimes, when people are different, they feel like something is wrong with them. But being different is not wrong. Do you ever feel that way?”
- Engage them in a conversation about body image. They may feel betrayed by bodies that do not reflect their gender experience. “Our bodies change during puberty and that can be really confusing. Do you have any questions about how your body is changing or will change?”
A few pointers for parents:
- Let children know that adults are not always right. Some adults may not understand what it means to be different. Be preemptive about protecting your child from the harsh words he/she may hear, especially since children often assign validity to words spoken by an adult.
- Do not push your child in any direction with respect to gender. If a young boy plays with his sister’s dolls, there is no reason to force trucks and swords on him. If a young girl wants to wear boys’ clothing, let it be. Do not give these behaviors more meaning than they are worth.
- Gender identity does not equal sexual orientation. Gender identity appears earlier and sexual orientation a few years later. Treat these as separate issues.
- Be aware that gender transitions can be dangerous waters. Pay particular attention in these times. Children can face rejection, ridicule or abuse. There is an increased risk of self-injurious behavior, suicidal thoughts/attempts or depression.
Culture and science are often at odds with each other and in the case of the gender atypical child, facilitating the relationship between the child and his/her family can be a life-saving effort. Families should use pediatricians as a resource especially for the more complex questions of what role medications have in the child’s well-being. The most important thing in addressing a gender atypical child is not any one question. Rather, it is an affirmation of what every child needs and deserves to hear: I love you the way you are, you’re important and I’m always here to listen.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/girls-and-boys/201502/raising-gender-atypical-children
