Dear Prudence, I was recently diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and have been told that I probably only have a few years to live. My husband and I have talked through many of the end-of-life issues, including hospice care and cremation versus burial. I find that my biggest fear is related to my memorial service. I have two siblings who are not close to me, my family, or my parents, but they are known for attending family funerals and giving “no holds barred” eulogies filled with criticism of the departed’s life and choices. Since I obviously won’t be there, sometimes I think it really shouldn’t bother me. But I find the thought of my teenage children listening to their vitriol very upsetting. Should I handle this by leaving written instructions with my husband outlining who can speak, or am I putting too much pressure on him during what will be a difficult time for my family? He is very loving and supportive, and will do whatever I ask him to do (within reason)!
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Fear of Funeral Frankness
Dear Fear, I hope you have many more years than you expect and that they are good ones. I admire your clear-eyed ability to address what is a devastatingly painful situation. When it comes to planning one’s funeral some people just don’t want to think about it; some people express general wishes (cremation not burial, memorial service not funeral); some people orchestrate every detail, from the music to the speakers. Of course, each of these choices is valid. You can make whatever decisions you want, let your husband know your wishes, and then put your funeral out of your mind. It’s a good thing your husband is open to talking with you about this, because sometimes loved ones can’t bear the impending loss, and so try to prevent this conversation. As far as the specifics of your situation and your awful siblings are concerned, you need to do whatever is necessary for you to stop dwelling on them. I have been to memorial services at which the microphone is open to any friends or loved ones to share a memory, and the tributes were wonderful. But I’ve also attended a funeral where a childhood friend walked up and asked the rabbi if he could speak, and was redirected back to his seat. If you fear your siblings would hijack the event, then specify that they should be barred from speaking, and ask your husband to assure you that the necessary steps will be taken to keep your jerk siblings away from the mic. We’ve all been to weddings and funerals at which a speaker becomes inappropriate. No one in the audience thinks it reflects badly on the person being honored; everyone thinks badly of the person speaking. It may be you’re focusing on your siblings as a way to distract yourself from the enormity of what’s happening. But once you take care of this detail, please put them out of your mind. Knowing they have no power should empower you.
She can make her wishes known. And, hopefully hubby will maintain control. But, you can't dictate life from beyond the grave. Life goes out out of your control.
She can make her wishes known. And, hopefully hubby will maintain control. But, you can't dictate life from beyond the grave. Life goes out out of your control.
Well, she's concerned about her children. It will be hard enough on them to bury their mother, but to hear sh1t about her...What would that prove?
flan
-- Edited by flan327 on Friday 6th of February 2015 10:02:18 AM
I am not saying they should speak. Of course they shouldn't. But, when you are dead, you are dead. So, what you want or don't want is really up to the people left behind and how they wish to handle it. The notion that you have any control at that point is a bit bizarre.
have been to several funerals where the siblings or other relatives have given " no holds barred " eulogies--for the most part, felt they were in poor taste and undignified--as stated above, the deceased is gone but many times young children/relatives are present and their feelings should be considered--plenty of time for life to dispel their innocence--if the poster is concerned for her family members, she should state clearly who ( if anyone ) she wants to deliver the eulogy and her husband should see to it that her wishes are followed
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
I have only really been to one service where a eulogy was given by anyone other than the religious officiant. If the person officiating doesn't ask for people to come forward, problem solved.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I have only really been to one service where a eulogy was given by anyone other than the religious officiant. If the person officiating doesn't ask for people to come forward, problem solved.
It's all up to the officiant. I have been to several services where inappropriate things were said, and where there was too much openness about letting different people speak. Some people just spoke too long. It seems the trend in some places is sort of loosey-goosey, letting anyone say anything spontaneously kind of thing. Not everyone does services at churches any more. Some are done at funeral homes, and it's those ones where I see this sort of thing happen. I think there is a certain dignity and decorum needed at a funeral service, and I don't like this sort of trend. Speaking should be reserved only for clergy and/or the family member presenting a prepared, rehearsed eulogy within a certain time frame. Nothing off the cuff.
The spouse or closest loved one needs to give strict instructions to the officiant to not let these objectionable people get a hold of the microphone.
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No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are,
I have only really been to one service where a eulogy was given by anyone other than the religious officiant. If the person officiating doesn't ask for people to come forward, problem solved.
I gave a eulogy for Mom, Dad and my maternal grandmother. I was the only one who spoke.
