DEAR AMY: My significant other was talked into getting a cellphone by her adult children. We do not live together, but I do spend most evenings with her and I spend the night on the weekends. Every evening between 6 and 7 a particular daughter feels the need to call, and I end up sitting at the kitchen table eating supper by myself. I can expect calls on the weekend at around 2 in the morning from one of her intoxicated kids requesting a ride. I told her these calls were disrespectful to me and unless they were of an emergency nature they could be taken after I left. She initially agreed but now she's back to taking the calls. Should I not have more value than a cellphone?
Miffed
DEAR MIFFED: Should you have more value than a cellphone? Yes.
DO you have more value to your partner than a conversation with her daughter? Guess not.
Yes, this is rude. But a mother who is going to leap out of bed to drive her intoxicated adult children home in the middle of the night is a mother who will always put her offspring first.
The next time you find yourself eating solo at the dinner table, maybe you should quietly get your coat and leave. If you're going to eat alone, you might as well be alone.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Should he come before a cellphone? Absolutely, but that isn't what he is asking for. His problem is that she is talking to her kids during "his" time and thinks he should he viewed as more important. I think he blames it on the cell phone because he realizes it would make him sound like a selfish jerk to demand he have her undivided attention, and ignore her children's calls.
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"I have a very strict gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it." - Clint Eastwood
So if he knows the daughter calls between 6-7 why doesn't he just come over after 7? Easy enough. Have dinner later so they can enjoy it together. He seems whiney.
I think talking on the phone through dinner so that her SO has to eat alone is beyond rude. Don't answer or call back after dinner. It's not that difficult.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I think talking on the phone through dinner so that her SO has to eat alone is beyond rude. Don't answer or call back after dinner. It's not that difficult.
I'm with you and Blankie, LL. We don't answer the phone during dinner. Calls can be returned after we eat.
I'm wondering if maybe she is trying to give him a fade out of the relationship. Hint, hint, I don't want you here every night. Because you guys are right. It is odd to talk on the phone all through dinner when you have a guest.
I think there is a compromise to be had. What he is saying is that he wants her time and attention. I don't think that makes him a "jerk". However, if she jumps up to go pick up an intoxicated adult child, then he should be happy that she is that attentive and understand that as a mother she is absolutely going to do it. There is no reason she can't answer the phone, find out the nature of the call. And, if it isn't some house on fire emergency, then just call her children back later that evening.
Should he come before a cellphone? Absolutely, but that isn't what he is asking for. His problem is that she is talking to her kids during "his" time and thinks he should he viewed as more important. I think he blames it on the cell phone because he realizes it would make him sound like a selfish jerk to demand he have her undivided attention, and ignore her children's calls.
Why does it make him a selfish jerk to want her attention while he is there? Why can't she talk to her kids while he isn't there?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Should he come before a cellphone? Absolutely, but that isn't what he is asking for. His problem is that she is talking to her kids during "his" time and thinks he should he viewed as more important. I think he blames it on the cell phone because he realizes it would make him sound like a selfish jerk to demand he have her undivided attention, and ignore her children's calls.
Why does it make him a selfish jerk to want her attention while he is there? Why can't she talk to her kids while he isn't there?
He's there almost every night and all of the weekends. So pretty much after work-bedtime during the week and then all weekend. If her kids are grown, the free period he has is the same free period they have. Yet, he feels he should have their mothers undivided at this time and they should be put off until later. Not just until after dinner, but until he decides to either go home for the night or leaves after a weekend. Then there is him claiming it is the phone he is given less value than, when it is actually her taking calls from her kids in his presence that he has an issue with.
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"I have a very strict gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it." - Clint Eastwood
I would stick by mine as well. I would have a lot more sympathy for the guy if his request was that calls not be taken during dinner. Or if they only seen each other a few times a week. The his request would be reasonable. But when you are there nearly every waking hour not spent at work and demand that calls with the children not take place in your presence? Yeah, you sound like a selfish jerk to me.
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"I have a very strict gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it." - Clint Eastwood
I would stick by mine as well. I would have a lot more sympathy for the guy if his request was that calls not be taken during dinner. Or if they only seen each other a few times a week. The his request would be reasonable. But when you are there nearly every waking hour not spent at work and demand that calls with the children not take place in your presence? Yeah, you sound like a selfish jerk to me.
Agreed. He is basically saying he only wants her to talk to her kids during work hours. That is not feasible for most people. I agree 100% that calls should not be taken during dinner, but his request goes beyond that.
Heaven forbid bid I ever find myself single and a man tried to get between me and my kids...he wouldn't last long.
I do think it's odd that her adult child needs a ride at 2 am frequently. Alcoholic anyone? Mom needs to get herself to an AlAnon meeting and quit enabling this behavior.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I would stick by mine as well. I would have a lot more sympathy for the guy if his request was that calls not be taken during dinner. Or if they only seen each other a few times a week. The his request would be reasonable. But when you are there nearly every waking hour not spent at work and demand that calls with the children not take place in your presence? Yeah, you sound like a selfish jerk to me.
Agreed. He is basically saying he only wants her to talk to her kids during work hours. That is not feasible for most people. I agree 100% that calls should not be taken during dinner, but his request goes beyond that.
Heaven forbid bid I ever find myself single and a man tried to get between me and my kids...he wouldn't last long.
I do think it's odd that her adult child needs a ride at 2 am frequently. Alcoholic anyone? Mom needs to get herself to an AlAnon meeting and quit enabling this behavior.
Oh, I don't know. If her kids are 20 something's and unmarried, they are still in the weekend partying stage of life. That doesn't mean they are alcoholics yet. He says "one of her kids", I assume she has two or three, possibly more kids. I would rather go get them, then have them drive home drunk. We had that agreement with our kids when they were that age. He did mention it happened on the weekends, not during the week.
IMHO, the guy is a jerk. Free food, free sex, free everything..
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Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
I would stick by mine as well. I would have a lot more sympathy for the guy if his request was that calls not be taken during dinner. Or if they only seen each other a few times a week. The his request would be reasonable. But when you are there nearly every waking hour not spent at work and demand that calls with the children not take place in your presence? Yeah, you sound like a selfish jerk to me.
Agreed. He is basically saying he only wants her to talk to her kids during work hours. That is not feasible for most people. I agree 100% that calls should not be taken during dinner, but his request goes beyond that.
Heaven forbid bid I ever find myself single and a man tried to get between me and my kids...he wouldn't last long.
I do think it's odd that her adult child needs a ride at 2 am frequently. Alcoholic anyone? Mom needs to get herself to an AlAnon meeting and quit enabling this behavior.
Oh, I don't know. If her kids are 20 something's and unmarried, they are still in the weekend partying stage of life. That doesn't mean they are alcoholics yet. He says "one of her kids", I assume she has two or three, possibly more kids. I would rather go get them, then have them drive home drunk. We had that agreement with our kids when they were that age. He did mention it happened on the weekends, not during the week.
IMHO, the guy is a jerk. Free food, free sex, free everything..
We have the same agreement with our kids - and DD took us up on it exactly once. How many times does one need to get too drunk to drive home before I as a parent ask them to do a better job planning their evenings and their consumption? I would think that a child would only want to call mommy as a last resort. This child needs to plan their weekends better, or watch their consumption.
He is a jerk though. Kick his butt to the curb.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
My parents had the same agreement with us. I called twice. Neither time was I the DD. Once my BF got too drunk & insisted he wasn't & wouldn't let anyone else drive his car. I refused to get in & my brother & I called my mom to get us. The second time was at a party that got way out of hand & I called my mom.
My parents had the same agreement with us. I called twice. Neither time was I the DD. Once my BF got too drunk & insisted he wasn't & wouldn't let anyone else drive his car. I refused to get in & my brother & I called my mom to get us. The second time was at a party that got way out of hand & I called my mom.
And that sounds reasonable to me. The fact that it is a consistent problem is what has me wondering if the child is an alcoholic? Or is the mother just a push over?
or does she have another guy on the side and this is the excuse she gives to get out and meet him in the middle of the night?!
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
If she would rather spend her evenings talking to her kids on the phone - she needs to tell him not to come over. But for him to be there and her ignore him in favor of the phone all the time - she is the one being the jerk.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
