Dear Prudence, My family recently learned that my wonderful father-in-law has a very aggressive, incurable form of brain cancer. He had surgery to remove the bulk of the tumor and has lost the ability to perform many basic skills like driving and reading.He is currently undergoing radiation and chemo, which the doctors say may give him anywhere from six months to two years to live. My father-in-law is 88 years old and has been very healthy and active up to this point. He says he has lived a good life and wants to have as much fun as possible in the time he has left.My in-laws live just a few blocks from us, so we have become very involved in their daily lives. My husband is very close with his father and is devastated by this turn of events. He immediately began researching various cancer treatments and has tried to convince his parents to adopt an ultra-healthy diet. My in-laws enjoy a nightly martini and eat white bread and prepared foods. Despite bombarding them with supporting evidence, studies, videos, books, and every other persuasive technique possible, they are adamant that the whole thing just sounds like hocus-pocus. My husband takes his mother shopping and scrutinizes every single item she buys. When we eat together, he says things like, “Mom, if you want to eat that, it’s fine, but Dad shouldn’t because it will kill him.” I tried to explain to my husband that his parents are adults and we cannot make them do anything, and he responded that he would never forgive himself if he does not “take this issue to the mat.” What should I do?
—End of Life Issues
Dear End, If your husband forces these dietary changes on his parents, it will not prolong his father’s life, it will just make it feel that way to the poor man. There’s something profoundly disturbing at the heart of your letter. Your husband has parents heading toward their 90s but seems unable to contemplate their deaths. That means he has a lot of thinking to do in short order about the finiteness of life, and the fact that soon he will have to go through the rest of his without his beloved father. That is hard, but it’s also what’s known as “the natural course of events.” You have to use all your influence, because he is driving mad two old people he professes to love. He is not thinking about them, he’s thinking about himself and his overwhelming anxiety about the future. Tell your husband he needs some grief counseling right away because he is upsetting and alienating his parents. Explain you love your in-laws too, and you feel you must protect them from his harassment. Say you’ll also do everything you can to see your husband through this loss, and you hope that because he loves his father so much, he will honor that by letting the last days be filled with affection, calm, and gin.
—Prudie
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
What did the son think, at 88 his dad was going to live another 50 years?
flan
Right?!
This man is in his late 80's. He has lived longer than his life expectancy. Let him eat whatever the heck he wants to in his last days. If he wants to eat cake for every meal...bake him the best damn cake he ever saw.
The son needs lots of therapy. And I notice it doesn't say if the son has adopted the dietary restrictions he has placed on his father.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
If I were the Dad I would have two martinis a night and tell the son to screw! J/K. Given the diagnosis at the age of 88 I would eat, drink, do what ever i damn please.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
We had this argument with my MIL in the opposite direction. My FIL, who is now 89, has Stage 4 kidney disease and diabetes. She is determined to keep him alive as long as possible by making him the healthiest, blandest, to the letter diet she can - to the point that she measures out exactly 1/2 cups, etc. It's all so tastless and nasty. We had to convince her that she needs to make his last years as enjoyable as possible - that quality trumps quantity. But, she's so scared of losing him.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
QUALITY rather than QUANTITY at this stage of life!
Son needs to enter grief counseling - right now! He is projecting his fear of losing his Dad - onto his Dad. I'm glad the DIL can see what is happening, and understands that no one can force her in-laws to change their life style. Good for FIL, that he knows he wants to enjoy life to the hilt, with the end in sight. Maybe DIL can splurge for a bottle of really fine gin, and the best vermouth she can find, and give it to her in-laws, letting them know that she wants their comfort!
FIL should be able to do as he pleases. I feel that once a person hits a certain age, leave 'em alone in regards to diet and let them enjoy themselves.
My Grandpa enjoyed copious amounts of sweets in his last few years of life. Healthy? No. But, I was happy he was enjoying himself.
My wonderful dad died of brain cancer. We did everything in our power to make his last year as happy and loving as possible. What's the point of making the time he has left nothing but nagging? I just don't get it.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
It's kind of like nagging someone to quit smoking after they are diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and only months to live. I mean, what is the point to quit now?
In general, I think we as a society are not very good at facing the mortality of human beings.
They do need to look into treatments. For the symptoms that are going to come.
My pawpaw refused treatments. He was given about 6 months. He was gone in 21 days.
And he spent those 21 days in a hospital bed in so much pain and was so drugged out of his mind and he really wasn't living anything to the best.
They need to know how to treat the symptoms.
And I can totally understand not wanting to lose your dad. When you love someone, the thought of being without them cuts like a knife.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Treatments that helped keep my dad in less pain were used as well as any treatment that enhanced his day to day living but there was no point in taking away the things he'd always enjoyed. He even tried doing some things he had always wanted to but hadn't gotten around to yet. I hope the LW realizes that nagging dad is not the way to spend the time they have left. Counseling might help him see that.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
