TOTALLY GEEKED!

Dear Prudence,
I am a mid-30s educated black woman with a bachelor’s degree. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a past felony conviction, and we have an extremely loving, rambunctious, highly energetic 5-year-old son together. I majored in communications and HR, but I have been unsuccessful in finding a career in my field and am in an entry-level administrative role. My fiancé is working for a very low wage due to the felony conviction. I would love to expose our son to so much, but the finances are just not there. I am disappointed in our local school district ratings and have decided that for kindergarten I will send him to a charter school. I worry about our son’s future constantly as I see that the opportunities for our young black youth are severely lacking. I feel that we have brought this child into circumstances that are not conducive to his living a better life in the future, and I feel so much guilt because of that. My fiancé is of the mindset that he will do fine without our putting a large amount of pressure on him and that our income level will have no effect on him. But at work there are young people who are doing extremely well in life, and they all came from affluent families who could afford for them to live in areas where the school districts are high-performing. I want my child to have the same opportunities. How do I get rid of the heartache and guilt I feel at not being able to give our son the best?

—Frustrated Mother

Dear Frustrated,
Your concern about your son and his opportunities, even though it is a source of anguish for you, is a wonderful thing for him. He has two parents who love him more than anything and are focused on giving him the best life possible. That makes him a lucky boy. So it would be a relief for you, him, and your fiancé if you could let go of some of the psychological baggage you are carrying. Of course you want to maximize your son’s opportunities, but dwelling on your anxiety degrades your ability to enjoy being a mother and will affect your son. If you can give yourself permission to be happier about what you’ve accomplished and the family you have made, that sense of joy will be its own reward. Putting aside what you want for your son, let’s address your career difficulties. There is no easy fix, as you know, but please read the suggestions in my answer to this letter from another young person stuck at work. As for your son, I recommend that you read Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life. The book is filled with practical and philosophic insights. The authors, Joe Brewster and Michele Stephenson, wisely emphasize the importance of play and nurture. You have a high-energy son, and unfortunately kindergarten today has been turned into an academic boot camp where he’s going to be expected to sit still and wield a pencil. So make sure there is plenty of opportunity for him to get exercise. Organized sports are useful, but also important is free play in local parks and playgrounds. Do not overlook the crucial effect of your daily interactions—you and his father talking to him, reading to him, and playing with him are not only free, but they are the building blocks of his emotional, intellectual, and physical development. There are going to be a lot of resources in your community that you can take advantage of, from the YMCA, to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, etc. Expose your son to different things—art, chess, music, sports—to see what sparks his interest. While you look for enrichment programs for him, find a parenting class for yourselves. This will offer support, good ideas, and reassurance about how you’re doing. Remember that feeling that raising your son is one of the greatest sources of joy in your life and communicating that to him will be priceless.

—Prudie