Dear Prudence, My husband and I are in our 30s and have been married for a few years. We live far away from both our families. Every Thanksgiving, we go to his brother’s house. I like his brother and sister-in-law; they have two great kids and are fun to be around. Their house is beautiful but small. They have just one full-size bathroom, and the spare bedroom has a double bed. I don’t like sharing the bathroom with all those people (even though I love them), and I don’t like being squeezed into the double bed. I have trouble sleeping, and spending four days in cramped quarters with his family is overwhelming. I told my husband I couldn’t do it again and that I wanted to stay at a hotel (we have the money). He told me that would be offensive to his family. I am already dwelling on it! Is this something I have to tolerate as part of being married? I would rather spend Thanksgiving alone than stay at the house again.
—Dreading Thanksgiving
Dear Dreading, Ah the joy of settling on the toilet with the New Yorker, then hearing a knock on the door and a voice crying out, “Are you almost done?” It is ridiculous that just as the crocuses are emerging you’re obsessing about your Thanksgiving misery. You need to resolve this in your own mind, even if you keep your decision to yourself until later in the year. There’s no reason for you to snub what you say is a lovely family gathering. You just need to absent yourself when it’s time to sleep or do your daily ablutions. That means you tell your husband you want to enjoy Thanksgiving, not suffer through it miserably, so you are going to book a hotel. Say he is free to join you for all, part, or none of the time. Then, with equanimity, stand firm. If his family teases you about this, just smile beatifically as you contemplate having a bathroom to yourself.
—Prudie
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I don't see why it would be offensive, to be honest I bet the hosting family would be relieved. It's a lot of work and stress to host out of town family.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
Just stay in a hotel. What's the big deal? They will get over it. When I go visit my sister, we stay in a hotel. It's just much more comfortable for everyone.
Been there, done that...one brother has a nice guest room and bath...except for the overwhelming smell of cat pee from their two aging cats who hang out there.
DIL's sister and her husband, who have a small home, ONE bathroom that has a tiny shower (and it's in the laundry room in the basement). All the wood floors squeak quite loudly, so a middle of the night trip to the bathroom is guaranteed to wake folks. Holiday guest roster....6 adults and 2 kids.
BIL has a huge beautiful home, separate guest room with nice facilities. They are OCD to the nth degree, constantly mopping and vacuuming (and I do mean constantly, like 8-10 times a day). Even the poor dog has to have a "foot bath" in the laundry tub anytime it goes out to do its business.
What do I do? Well, I suck it up for the few days I'm there. Really, they aren't asking the LW to move in permanently, it's a few freaking days.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I agree. Depends on how important it is to her DH. Maybe he wants to wake up at home and have breakfast at home and feel like a kid again. If so, then suck it up.
4 nights with little sleep? Yeah go to a hotel. One night, suck it up. But it should not be viewed as offensive if the stay in a hotel. Perhaps they should even rent an extra room and treat the kids one night giving the BIL & SIL a nice quiet evening all alone.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Hey. If the hotel has an indoor pool, it could make them the coolest aunt and uncle EVER!
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Every situation is different. My sister Irene, and her husband Phil, came down for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago.
Phil is allergic to cats. We had five of them, at the time.
Irene is a Hiltons Honors Club member, and travels a lot for business. We have a Hilton Gardens Hotel, about 4 miles from our house. She is either using her points, or banking them for upcoming vacations.
I could run the sweeper, and dust really quick each morning. And Phil would take an allergy pill, and be fine at our house, all day.
If they had spent the night, it probably would have gotten to him.
I picked them up at DFW, and let them use my Jeep during their stay, rather than blowing money on a rental car.
Back when we allowed the in-laws to torture the kids, they would stay in a hotel when they were babies so they weren't awoken during the night by feedings, sick (coughing) kids, etc. Although I thought their reason was rude, it was nice not having to worry about them complaining in the morning about the disturbances.
I'm so glad those days are over.
-- Edited by FNW on Friday 3rd of April 2015 08:22:30 AM
Back when we allowed the in-laws to torture the kids, they would stay in a hotel when they were babies so they weren't awoken during the night by feedings, sick (coughing) kids, etc. Although I thought their reason was rude, it was nice not having to worry about them complaining in the morning about the disturbances.
I'm so glad those days are over.
-- Edited by FNW on Friday 3rd of April 2015 08:22:30 AM
There is nothing worse than not getting a good night's sleep when you are on the road though. And if they were older and used to their own routine, having babies around who had a different routine would be really upsetting. I don't blame them for getting a hotel - I would be equally as worried I would wake the babies on a trip to the potty at 2am! However, from what you have said, these are not your typical ratonal people and they probably had their own agenda.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
My FIL and step MIL are offended each time we return to our hometown and don't stay with them. They have 3 cats and DD is allergic to cats and has asthma. Step MIL will admit to not being a good housekeeper (an understatement, I have had to remove cat hair from the kitchen table before sitting down to a meal) and there is hair all over the house. DD can last about 90 minutes there even with an allergy pill. But each time we go back, they ask if she can stay the night there. I remind them she is allergic to their cats and it gives her an asthma attack to be there. They look at me like its the first time they have heard this info...each time. It's frustrating, but I don't care at all what they think about me. They are in their early 60's so it isn't like they are senile. I just don't understand how they can forget each time. They have even asked my SIL why we don't stay there and she tells them "DD is allergic to your cats remember?! She can't breathe at your house!"
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
They started staying once they were toddlers and they would get up twice during the night (FIL & sMIL) to use the bathroom, and slam doors. They weren't worried about waking anyone up. If the boys were sick and having asthma attacks (due to the cat dander they brought into the house, unbeknownst to us at the time), they would hole up in their room and never come out to help and never ask in the morning if they were ok.
They started staying once they were toddlers and they would get up twice during the night (FIL & sMIL) to use the bathroom, and slam doors. They weren't worried about waking anyone up. If the boys were sick and having asthma attacks (due to the cat dander they brought into the house, unbeknownst to us at the time), they would hole up in their room and never come out to help and never ask in the morning if they were ok.
The more each of us talks about our in laws - the more I think they might be the same people!
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I wish we were related. Then I'd at least have an ally.
Lol. That's how I feel too! My SIL is coming around, but I have been dealing with this for 25 years and she has only been dealing with it for 5 years. There is a big difference in our tolerance levels.
My DH and his brother are almost 15 years apart so she is still young and trying to please people. Whereas I have given up in that crap! Lol
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Every situation is different. My sister Irene, and her husband Phil, came down for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago.
Phil is allergic to cats. We had five of them, at the time.
Irene is a Hiltons Honors Club member, and travels a lot for business. We have a Hilton Gardens Hotel, about 4 miles from our house. She is either using her points, or banking them for upcoming vacations.
I could run the sweeper, and dust really quick each morning. And Phil would take an allergy pill, and be fine at our house, all day.
If they had spent the night, it probably would have gotten to him.
I picked them up at DFW, and let them use my Jeep during their stay, rather than blowing money on a rental car.
We had a great time. Everyone was happy.
No one was offended.
It really depends on the situation.
We always kept the door to our guest bedroom closed, no pets allowed in. We don't have cats anymore, but when we did, my SIL could manage okay. We don't have much carpeting, and no draperies, so it does help that.
