TOTALLY GEEKED!

Well, there is a biological tie. And, I am not going to pretend that isn't important because it is. And grandma has no obligation to spend her money on the others if she doesn't want too. However, mom and dad run the show. So, No, Susie isn't going to private school while Sarah and Jenny go to public. All of my girls are going to school together. However if grandma wishes to set up some fund for Susie, then she may do so. It's her money and if she wants to put it away and gift it to her as an adult, that's up to her.

huskerbb wrote:

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I get not wanting the children to go to different schools. However, where does it end? What if they want to get her a car for graduation? Pay for her college? What about including people in a will--is it all or nothing?

The fact is that the other children presumably have their own grandparents. Things will probably never be truly "equal"--not should they have to be.

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I agree Husker.  The whole "equal" thing.  I don't pretend to be "equal" with my kids.  I don't make myself crazy deciding "if I spend X on DD, then I need go out and spend X on DS'.  No.  I give them what they need.  Sometimes one kid needs more than another.  That's life.  So, no, I am not going to put on any pretense of being "equal" in that regard. 

I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

Ilumine wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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I get not wanting the children to go to different schools. However, where does it end? What if they want to get her a car for graduation? Pay for her college? What about including people in a will--is it all or nothing?

The fact is that the other children presumably have their own grandparents. Things will probably never be truly "equal"--not should they have to be.

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Life is not supposed to be EQUAL, it is supposed to be FAIR for all that live in the household together.  

Cars that will be used for college and inheritances that get banked until the child is 18 are not IN YOUR FACE.  They do not promote blatant and sometimes daily visions of inequity.  

I actually DO believe that in Blended Families, the biological grandparents do not need to show EQUAL consideration.  But they should show basic common decency in their interactions with all of the children living under one roof.  And paying for one child to go the better school, with the better extras that come with private schools is just not nice.  

Especially since in THIS scenario, the biological grandchild is the half sibling of their step grandchildren.  One would think that they would WANT to ensure that their grandchild's siblings (even half siblings) would have the same amazing educational background.  

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 Why?  The fact is, they aren't their grand kids.  Plus, a new car would most definitely be noticed.

huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

Kids, and parents, need to get over this notion that everything has to be equal.

NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

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 Ridiculous.  So, my mom should have to include my sisters step kids in her will?  Absurd and absolutely not happening.

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 I think a will is different. 

I think you would be pitting those kids against each other if one was getting extravagant gifts that the others weren't getting. It's favoritism and that is not good for siblings.

 

 

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 That's the thing, husker. This isn't some nickel & dime gift...this is all 4 years paid for. I have no clue how much that would cost.

I agree with NAOW.

flan

I totally agree with everything Czech said. I faced this same situation about three years into my marriage. Satan wanted to put SS in private school. And she wanted DH to pay 100% of it. SS was not doing well in school but he was not doing well in school for the same reasons he does poorly now. She doesn't supervise or participate in his schoolwork. She thought private school teachers would be more apt to be a baby sitter than public schools. At first DH wanted to do it. It's his son and he wanted what's best for him. But then I got upset because when we talked about MY kids going to private school that was nixed really quickly. I pointed out the message that sends the kids. We talked a lot about it. Finally I told him that he was paying a crap load of child support and if that's what SHE wanted she should pay for it out of her child support. I told him it was unfair that she expected him to foot the total bill. So, when he refused to pay for it, she dropped it.

A new car is way different than an education. A car can be given as a sweet sixteen gift. Or a graduation gift. And a will is not even comparable to an education or a car. Whole different ball game there. If they are so concerned about their grand daughters education why can't they take the money they would use for private school and put it in a college fund? That, to me, would be better. That way the parent's could funnel more money into the college educations of the other two and everyone wins.

I just think this is a really really horrible message to send to siblings who live together. It is a set up for resentment later on.

just Czech wrote:

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IMHO, mom and dad are raising the kids as siblings, because well, they all have the same mother, duh.
Mom AND dad get to decide, period.
Grandma doesn't like it, to bad.
When dear grandma and grandpa make their will, that's their decision and no one else's how they distribute their money after they are dead. I don't have a problem with that. But while the kids are still under one roof, yeah, I have a problem with grandma and grandpa interfering with mom and dad's decision on how they are raising their family. Key words, their family. Not grandma and grandpa's family, THEIR family.
So, IMHO, dad needs to tell his momma to invest in a nice fund for her biological grandchild's future college expenses or whatever..
He needs to keep the peace at home first.

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 So how is investing in a college fund different?

NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

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 I don't completely agree with this.  I agree with it to the extent of Christmas, birthdays, etc.  But, for setting up a college fund?  I don't think grandparents need to do that for their step kids.  I mean, that could actually end up very unequitable unless EVERYONE does EVERYTHING equally - and that's not going to happen.  Step-kids have another parent and another set of grandparents.  Heck - they already get 3 sets of grandparents where the shared child only has 2. 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

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 Ridiculous.  So, my mom should have to include my sisters step kids in her will?  Absurd and absolutely not happening.

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 I think a will is different. 

I think you would be pitting those kids against each other if one was getting extravagant gifts that the others weren't getting. It's favoritism and that is not good for siblings.

 

 

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I do agree.  Your last act on earth should be "to my kids, share and share alike".  Doesn't matter if one kid was more attentive or whatever.  Leave the earth in a good way.  Just my opinion. 

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 "to my kids, share and share alike" does not legally mean step-children, unless you affirmatively make that the case. 

And if you die without a will - step-kids are NOT heirs. 

No, they dont' have to treat the kids equally. Boo freaking hoo.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

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 I don't completely agree with this.  I agree with it to the extent of Christmas, birthdays, etc.  But, for setting up a college fund?  I don't think grandparents need to do that for their step kids.  I mean, that could actually end up very unequitable unless EVERYONE does EVERYTHING equally - and that's not going to happen.  Step-kids have another parent and another set of grandparents.  Heck - they already get 3 sets of grandparents where the shared child only has 2. 

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 I agree.  My older niece is a step my younger is a bio.  My mom set up a college fund for bio when she was born.  Step niece's bio dad helped pay for her college.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Besides - are the other parent's parents providing equally? I highly doubt it. They have no relation at all - why would they?

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 Exactly.  So you would expect your Ex's parents to set up a college fund for children you have with a new spouse?  Ridiculous.

huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

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 Ridiculous.  So, my mom should have to include my sisters step kids in her will?  Absurd and absolutely not happening.

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 I think a will is different. 

I think you would be pitting those kids against each other if one was getting extravagant gifts that the others weren't getting. It's favoritism and that is not good for siblings.

 

 

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 That's   BS.  A grandparent should be able to buy their own grandchildren a gift without worrying about all the other random children in the world who don't get one.  Let their grandparents buy them gifts.

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 Random kids? It's their kids step-child. Most people who marry someone with kids make a commitment to those kids as well as to the person they are marrying. The grandparents should honor that if the kid wants them too. 

NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

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 Ridiculous.  So, my mom should have to include my sisters step kids in her will?  Absurd and absolutely not happening.

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 I think a will is different. 

I think you would be pitting those kids against each other if one was getting extravagant gifts that the others weren't getting. It's favoritism and that is not good for siblings.

 

 

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 That's   BS.  A grandparent should be able to buy their own grandchildren a gift without worrying about all the other random children in the world who don't get one.  Let their grandparents buy them gifts.

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 Random kids? It's their kids step-child. Most people who marry someone with kids make a commitment to those kids as well as to the person they are marrying. The grandparents should honor that if the kid wants them too. 

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 And what if grandparents are only trying to make up for what the step-kids get from their OTHER grandparents that bio-kid doesn't?

Life is not fair. You just can't expect it to be all the time. The only people you can control are yourselves and how you treat the children. Putting expectations on others to meet your requirements is just setting yourself up for disappointment and discord.

Now, that being said, the parents are completely in the right to turn down private school for only one of their kids, assuming there is no special need there.

Let's say bio kids grandparents want to take their grand kid to disneyworld? Does that mean they also have to take the other kids? They can't build some special memories with their own grandchild without having to take along some other random kids?

I agree in this case that, money aside, it would be a pain to have kids in two different schools--days off, activity scheduling, etc....

However, my question is where is the line drawn--and saying it has to be 100% equal is absurd.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Life is not fair. You just can't expect it to be all the time. The only people you can control are yourselves and how you treat the children. Putting expectations on others to meet your requirements is just setting yourself up for disappointment and discord.

Now, that being said, the parents are completely in the right to turn down private school for only one of their kids, assuming there is no special need there.

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 If I was the mother I would not be ok with only one of my children getting special treatment. 

 

The letter doesn't even sound to me like a blended family situation. For all we know the parents have two adopted girls and one biological. It's says they are bringing up three girls, it does not specify anything else.

ETA: Nevermind. I see the last line does say step grandkids

-- Edited by NAOW on Friday 24th of April 2015 03:31:52 PM

huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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I think in blended families, things will go better if you treat them all equally (as in they are all equally our children- not singling out 'step' and 'half') so I would turn down the gift for only one daughter.

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 That's fine for the parents.  The problem is that they expect everyone else to have to act according to their decisions.  What about the step kids own grandparents?

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 All grandparents would have to treat all kids equally. If they don't want to do something for all three kids, that's fine, then don't do anything. 

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 I don't completely agree with this.  I agree with it to the extent of Christmas, birthdays, etc.  But, for setting up a college fund?  I don't think grandparents need to do that for their step kids.  I mean, that could actually end up very unequitable unless EVERYONE does EVERYTHING equally - and that's not going to happen.  Step-kids have another parent and another set of grandparents.  Heck - they already get 3 sets of grandparents where the shared child only has 2. 

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 For one, you don't know that the kid has another parent. The other parent could be dead or have given up rights. 

Two, a college fund is similar to a will IMO. Something the parents will have to talk about and decide how they want to handle that. But I think it's reasonable if a step parent is raising children from a young age and considers them their own to expect others to do the same. 

 

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 Then if there is no other parent then the other parent here can adopt and they will be his or her children.  If that isn't possible, then there is another parent.

 

and no, it isn't reasonable to expect everyone to act a certain way due to choices you make.

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 In relation to my children it most certainly is. She has no right to demand they pay for the other girls' education, but she has every right to turn down the offer for the one girl.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Life is not fair. You just can't expect it to be all the time. The only people you can control are yourselves and how you treat the children. Putting expectations on others to meet your requirements is just setting yourself up for disappointment and discord.

Now, that being said, the parents are completely in the right to turn down private school for only one of their kids, assuming there is no special need there.

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 If I was the mother I would not be ok with only one of my children getting special treatment. 

 

The letter doesn't even sound to me like a blended family situation. For all we know the parents have two adopted girls and one biological. It's says they are bringing up three girls, it does not specify anything else.

ETA: Nevermind. I see the last line does say step grandkids

-- Edited by NAOW on Friday 24th of April 2015 03:31:52 PM

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 And if you are not the mother?  If they have a mother and you are the step - mother, you don't think your parents should be able to set up a college fund for YOUR child, if they don't also for your step-children?  That's really unfair, IMO.  That's unfair to your parents and to your child.

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Yes, I do think that is different. 

If the girls are being raised by this couple and this couple only- no other parents, what then? Because that is how I am reading this letter. As if the non biological parent is raising the step child as their own. In that instance, if I was raising someone else's child, and couldn't legally adopt for whatever reason, that child's mother was not in the picture, yes I would want my parents to treat each of my kids the same. 

And I totally understand and see what NAOW is trying to say.

NAOW wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Life is not fair. You just can't expect it to be all the time. The only people you can control are yourselves and how you treat the children. Putting expectations on others to meet your requirements is just setting yourself up for disappointment and discord.

Now, that being said, the parents are completely in the right to turn down private school for only one of their kids, assuming there is no special need there.

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 If I was the mother I would not be ok with only one of my children getting special treatment. 

 

The letter doesn't even sound to me like a blended family situation. For all we know the parents have two adopted girls and one biological. It's says they are bringing up three girls, it does not specify anything else.

ETA: Nevermind. I see the last line does say step grandkids

-- Edited by NAOW on Friday 24th of April 2015 03:31:52 PM

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 And if you are not the mother?  If they have a mother and you are the step - mother, you don't think your parents should be able to set up a college fund for YOUR child, if they don't also for your step-children?  That's really unfair, IMO.  That's unfair to your parents and to your child.

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Yes, I do think that is different. 

If the girls are being raised by this couple and this couple only- no other parents, what then? Because that is how I am reading this letter. As if the non biological parent is raising the step child as their own. In that instance, if I was raising someone else's child, and couldn't legally adopt for whatever reason, that child's mother was not in the picture, yes I would want my parents to treat each of my kids the same. 

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 I can see that.  But I think that's a very few situations.  If the other parent is out of the picture, I think adoption would change this dynamic. 

I see that no one really wants to answer my questions. I suppose that means they know their position is ridiculous.