Q. Inheritance and Responsibility: My mother is a lifelong substance abuser, and is now close to dying. Her parents left her a lot of money, including sizable funds for my brother and me, and she has been living off the investment income from this money for decades. My father divorced her decades ago, and my brother cut all ties with the family when he turned 18, leaving me the only family or friend my mother has. I know both she and my father were cruel to my brother, but I feel that it is now his turn to take care of her. However, I don’t think he deserves to inherit anything since I am the one who loyally stayed with our mother, to the cost of friends, jobs, and fiancées. Should I hire a lawyer and have both my mother’s and my grandparents’ wills revised to reflect and account for everything I’ve had to sacrifice, then sue my brother to force him to be a man, own up to his responsibility, and do his part to take care of my mother in her last years?
A: Your brother got out to save his life. You made your decision to devote yours—at the cost of your own independence—to your mother. It sounds like a poor decision, but do not compound that now by trying to manipulate a dying woman into changing her will. You don’t want your inheritance to be squandered on an “undue influence” suit filed by your brother. You say you stayed out your own sense of loyalty and duty. And now you want to get the whole pot of money to compensate you for your good character. Leave the will alone. From what you say, your brother, in his first 18 years, earned his share.
Q. Re: Inheritance and Responsibility: There were many issues (both factual and moral) with what the LW was proposing doing, but one that jumped out at me was his/her suggestion that the grandparents’ wills be revised. If the grandparents are already dead, the terms of their wills cannot be revised. And getting a lawyer to try to coerce the dying mother to change her will is elder abuse.
A.Yes, this letter writer should be dissuaded from trying to find herself embroiled in a costly lawsuit stemming from her awful behavior.
-- Edited by ed11563 on Tuesday 28th of April 2015 01:06:20 PM
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Grab all the money you can that you didn't even earn! Grab, grab , grab!!!
OK, I will write my own letter:
Dear Prudie, My sister and I are 10 yrs apart in age. I was the baby. I was extremely close to my mom. Always was. My sis, went to college and got busy with her own life. I remained very close to my mom, not just emotionally but also in location. My sister wound up moving several states away and we only then got to see her once or twice a year. When my mom fell ill, I had the PRIVILEGE of sitting by my mom's bedside. Taking her to doctor's appts. Holding her hand and feeding her in the nursing home. My sister, due to location, was unable to participate in her care. When my mom died, her will said Share and Share Alike. My mom's money was HER money. Neither one of us was entitled to HER money. She wisely saved and there was money left to distribute. Personally, I think a parent's last act on her earth would be to their children in way that says' This is all I have, and I want my children to have it". I promptly closed out her estate and mailed a check for 50% to my sister. Do you think that I will be able to eat a sandwich with a fork?
Grab all the money you can that you didn't even earn! Grab, grab , grab!!!
OK, I will write my own letter:
Dear Prudie, My sister and I are 10 yrs apart in age. I was the baby. I was extremely close to my mom. Always was. My sis, went to college and got busy with her own life. I remained very close to my mom, not just emotionally but also in location. My sister wound up moving several states away and we only then got to see her once or twice a year. When my mom fell ill, I had the PRIVILEGE of sitting by my mom's bedside. Taking her to doctor's appts. Holding her hand and feeding her in the nursing home. My sister, due to location, was unable to participate in her care. When my mom died, her will said Share and Share Alike. My mom's money was HER money. Neither one of us was entitled to HER money. She wisely saved and there was money left to distribute. Personally, I think a parent's last act on her earth would be to their children in way that says' This is all I have, and I want my children to have it". I promptly closed out her estate and mailed a check for 50% to my sister. Do you think that I will be able to eat a sandwich with a fork?
You are definitely my new board crush...lol
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
Grab all the money you can that you didn't even earn! Grab, grab , grab!!!
OK, I will write my own letter:
Dear Prudie, My sister and I are 10 yrs apart in age. I was the baby. I was extremely close to my mom. Always was. My sis, went to college and got busy with her own life. I remained very close to my mom, not just emotionally but also in location. My sister wound up moving several states away and we only then got to see her once or twice a year. When my mom fell ill, I had the PRIVILEGE of sitting by my mom's bedside. Taking her to doctor's appts. Holding her hand and feeding her in the nursing home. My sister, due to location, was unable to participate in her care. When my mom died, her will said Share and Share Alike. My mom's money was HER money. Neither one of us was entitled to HER money. She wisely saved and there was money left to distribute. Personally, I think a parent's last act on her earth would be to their children in way that says' This is all I have, and I want my children to have it". I promptly closed out her estate and mailed a check for 50% to my sister. Do you think that I will be able to eat a sandwich with a fork?
Exactly. People forget that.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Yes. It's a windfall. A gift. People who "count" on their inheritances need to look in the mirror. You aren't entitled to damn thing that your parents earned unless they willingly give it to you.
Yes. It's a windfall. A gift. People who "count" on their inheritances need to look in the mirror. You aren't entitled to damn thing that your parents earned unless they willingly give it to you.
I'm agreeing with you way too much.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I have expressly told both my parents: as long as I have enough to put you in the ground, that's enough for me. It's your money, you've worked hard for it, you enjoy it. If you want to spend your last dime on an around-the-world cruise. Do it. You deserve it.
Unfortunately, families will break apart fighting over Grandma's china. When my mom was in the home, my sister came up to visit. I took her over to mom's apt and told her take whatever she wanted of mom's. Then, I would take what I wanted and the rest I would send to auction in an estate sale. I only wanted one thing and that was a painting of my deceased brother, that my mom had commissioned by a local artist. That was really it. And, my sister was fine with that. However if she would have really been insistent, then she could have taken it. It's just STUFF. Stuff doesn't matter to me. It comes and goes. My sister isn't much into sentimental things either so she took a few pieces of mom's glass collection and some of her jewelry and that was it. I donated all her clothes to the nursing home including her electric lift chair. The rest, I sent to auction.
About half the people coming into my office to do a will are disenheriting someone. I had one woman come in and leave everything to her friends. Her husband was dead and she had no children. Her niece continually "expected" her money and only showed up to visit at Christmas. When the woman had to move into assisted living, she asked her niece to help clean up her condo - the neice took that as clean "out" the condo, and she took everything, including the appliances that the woman was planning to sell with the condo. She's in for a surprise.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I've seen this fight up close and personal. DH is a beneficiary of grandparent and parent trusts. There was unequal share distributions (sons v. daughters) in the grandfather's trust, a cultural thing, but none the less caused hurt feeling and squabbling. Our sons will benefit from this eventually.
For us, we are estranged from our older son. Have been for years now (his choice). DH was angry and wanted to disinherit him, which I pointed out for the trusts existing, he can't. He wanted to do it in our wills. At first, I agreed, but then after considering what it might do the the relationship between him and his brother, I said I didn't want to do it. After all, it's just money, and it won't replace lost years and love. We'll be dead and beyond caring and regrets.
I'm not one to hold that everything should be equal. If you have a child that has helped care for you and another that has done nothing, I think it would be unfair to divide things equally. "Fair" does not always mean "equal".
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My sister took care of our parents. My dad wanted everything to be equal and people were surprised when he said he wanted to leave me something since everyone perceived my husband and I to be rich. He said he loved me too. In the end his health took all his savings so there was nothing when he died. My brother and I decided to let my sister have the house since she was the one who took care of them. Both my brother and I decided a long time before our parents passed that it was what we both wanted to do to thank her.
well, similar situation with my parents but they decided on this plan: 5 living siblings--the oldest divides assets into five equal piles ( not to include personal property already allocated before death ) and they choose last--simple, elegant--regards a sibling that provided significant care on a day-to-day basis and for a long time, we all agreed to compensate her generously BEFORE any division of the remaining assets
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
I am so tired of my mother and her will discussions. She is adamant on leaving all her kids her trust fund and assets. It's her generation, the depression era that I think molded her thoughts on this. I keep telling her to SPEND it. All 5 of her kids are doing just fine. And we will not fight over one thing. We do not care about money and most items that hold sentimental value to us we already have. There is one piece of furniture that she has that I love. Its a server, marble top, antique, just simply gorgeous. I don't have room for it, well I do but have to do a lot of shuffling. But one of my sis' has dibs on it and she has the perfect house for it. I don't care, love the piece but it really doesn't matter. I feel sorry for families that fight over crap.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I took care of my (childless) Aunt & Uncle (father's younger brother) for 5 years. I lived with & took care of them full time, only seeing my DH on Wednesday evenings and weekends. Full time job (to maintain my own home) plus cooking cleaning shopping transport to doctors, etc. etc. etc. When they had both passed away, my brother & wife, who only lived 3 hours away, expected to share in the inheritance. They only drove down for the 50th Anniversary party that DH and I hosted. Boy were they surprised. My Uncle had an iron-clad will, spelling out exactly why I inherited, and they didn't.
Late DH's children are also in for a disappointment. Because of their attrocious behavior when DH died, they get no share of the property - it goes to my church, community association, and Eastern Star chapter.
I am so tired of my mother and her will discussions. She is adamant on leaving all her kids her trust fund and assets. It's her generation, the depression era that I think molded her thoughts on this. I keep telling her to SPEND it. All 5 of her kids are doing just fine. And we will not fight over one thing. We do not care about money and most items that hold sentimental value to us we already have. There is one piece of furniture that she has that I love. Its a server, marble top, antique, just simply gorgeous. I don't have room for it, well I do but have to do a lot of shuffling. But one of my sis' has dibs on it and she has the perfect house for it. I don't care, love the piece but it really doesn't matter. I feel sorry for families that fight over crap.
Why do we spend so much time telling people to NOT spend money on frivolous stuff--but when you get old you should spend it willy nilly?
That's ridiculous. How much money can one really spend, anyway?
If you have a house, food on the table, a new car in the garage, enough money to go to Europe when you want to, plenty of money to spend on the grandkids--really, how much more money should be spent just for the sake of spending money?
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I am so tired of my mother and her will discussions. She is adamant on leaving all her kids her trust fund and assets. It's her generation, the depression era that I think molded her thoughts on this. I keep telling her to SPEND it. All 5 of her kids are doing just fine. And we will not fight over one thing. We do not care about money and most items that hold sentimental value to us we already have. There is one piece of furniture that she has that I love. Its a server, marble top, antique, just simply gorgeous. I don't have room for it, well I do but have to do a lot of shuffling. But one of my sis' has dibs on it and she has the perfect house for it. I don't care, love the piece but it really doesn't matter. I feel sorry for families that fight over crap.
Why do we spend so much time telling people to NOT spend money on frivolous stuff--but when you get old you should spend it willy nilly?
That's ridiculous. How much money can one really spend, anyway?
If you have a house, food on the table, a new car in the garage, enough money to go to Europe when you want to, plenty of money to spend on the grandkids--really, how much more money should be spent just for the sake of spending money?
Because Husker, most people spend their entire lives saving and worrying if they will have enough to retire. When they get to the point of retirement, they shouldn't worry about passing that money on, they should spend it doing fun stuff,
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Like what? Going to Disneyworld everyday? Drinking copious amounts of vodka? Buying crap they don't want and won't use?
What they might want to do is go on vacation with their families--but how many times on here have we seen a set of grandparents who expect their families to go on vacation with them--but said families don't want to go.
Mostly what many of them want is to spend time with their families--and money doesn't necessarily buy that if their family won't make the time.
Beyond that, at some point they are likely alone, especially if they are female, so they may not want to travel alone.
How do you know they aren't doing exactly what they want to do?
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I know my grandparents can be so focused on saving so there is something left we have to remind them that they don't have to be frugal. Live comfortably- don't worry about leaving us anything. An example is when Grandpa was moving into a different house. He didn't want to pick the best fit because it is expensive, we had to tell him that he can afford it. He doesn't need to pick a cheaper place in order to save money to pass down.
Like what? Going to Disneyworld everyday? Drinking copious amounts of vodka? Buying crap they don't want and won't use?
What they might want to do is go on vacation with their families--but how many times on here have we seen a set of grandparents who expect their families to go on vacation with them--but said families don't want to go.
Mostly what many of them want is to spend time with their families--and money doesn't necessarily buy that if their family won't make the time.
Beyond that, at some point they are likely alone, especially if they are female, so they may not want to travel alone.
How do you know they aren't doing exactly what they want to do?
My Mom loves to travel, at her own pace. Is involved with the senior center and has friends just as physically fit as she. She should spend that 10K on an Alaskan cruise, not save it for me. Every person's life is different.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I know my grandparents can be so focused on saving so there is something left we have to remind them that they don't have to be frugal. Live comfortably- don't worry about leaving us anything. An example is when Grandpa was moving into a different house. He didn't want to pick the best fit because it is expensive, we had to tell him that he can afford it. He doesn't need to pick a cheaper place in order to save money to pass down.
My mother stresses over having hardwood floors installed, her carpet is aging. I keep telling her do it! It will be beautiful and she will enjoy it. And stop stressing over furniture, just buy what you want.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Then she should travel. My mom went to Europe--and had a chance to go to the Holy Land, but turned it down.
Not the point. That barely put a dent in her yearly income--let alone touching any of her assets.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to pass something on.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to pass something on, but it shouldn't be done at the sacrifice of living life, and traveling or whatever else it is you want to do.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I agree. If you have money and want to spend it, then by all means. But, that doesn't mean everyone wants to spend every dime they have or travel or whatever. Some grandparents want to leave some funds for their kids and grandchildren. That is OK too.
I really can't see myself going crazy to spend in retirement. I am a happy Homebody. Traveling isn't my thing. I really don't have any burning desire for that. I can happily spend my days puttering around my house and doing things in my community. That doesn't cost a lot.
