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Post Info TOPIC: Shouldn't the grown-up victim get to decide if he needs "help" related to long ago abuse?
Lawyerlady


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Shouldn't the grown-up victim get to decide if he needs "help" related to long ago abuse?
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Q. I Was Molested, but I Don’t Want Help: I was molested by a trusted family friend for nearly two years. It ended when I was 13, and I’m in my mid-30s now. A few weeks ago, a family my wife and I are close with experienced the same thing with one of their children. Since then my wife, who has been aware of my history for years, has been pushing me to go to a therapist to discuss my own abuse, which I’ve never done. The thing is, I don’t feel like I need to do that. It doesn’t occupy my thoughts, I don’t feel damaged, and my wife and I have a happy marriage. I think dredging it all up again would be exhausting, and expensive, with little to no benefit that I can determine. She’s convinced that everyone who has been abused requires years of therapy to get over it. Last night she became so insistent that we actually fought about it. Am I wrong to resist? Should I put myself through therapy because it’s “what people do”? I realize talk therapy benefits many, many victims, but I don’t think I’m one of them. I don’t seem to be getting through to her. What should I do?

A: You went through a crushing experience and came out intact. Some people are blessed with such resilience, and it’s important for people to hear stories such as yours. Victims need to know that a terrible violation does not have to write the script for the rest of their lives. There certainly are patterns of response to such abuse, and many—if not most—who have suffered it will be helped by the support of professionals. But each person has to be seen as an individual, and it is damaging to force someone into a model that doesn’t fit. You don’t say your wife is noting that you haven’t coped as well as you think—that she points out, for example, that you need to drink heavily before having sex. She just has a blanket belief that someone who has been sexually abused is damaged in a specific way and requires a certain kind of medical attention. She is so unwilling to take your case on its merits that she is bullying you about this. That has to stop. You make a very important point that dredging up the past is not cost-free. For some people, examining the past and feeling a sense of control over their memories will be liberating. But there is also pain in such examination. You sound perfectly justified in not wanting to experience it. So if your wife won’t hear your explanation of this, you need to tell her she should see someone to deal with her anger about this, because her harping on this feels like a violation to you.



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LawyerLady

 

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ed11563


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Could she be so insistent because something happened to her long ago? And she needs therapy?

(Yes, Tiny Dancer will comment that I see abuse everywhere. That's okay.)

 

 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Or maybe their marriage isn't as fine as he thinks it is and she is hopinh counseling will help..

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huskerbb


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Or maybe their marriage isn't as fine as he thinks it is and she is hopinh counseling will help..

Then say that.  Don't blame it on some long ago events.  People want to make everyone into victims.



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Or maybe she simply doesn't understand how someone could get through something so horrendous without counseling. He is definitely not the usual statistic. Honestly, probably 99.9% of people need some help getting over it. But if he doesn't then he doesn't. Why not take her to counseling and explain that to her? Then tell her if it bothers her that much she can continue to talk to the counselor about it. I don't think she's been abused. I just think she thinks it's a horrible thing and doesn't understand his reaction to it.

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Lawyerlady


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Some people don't want to wallow in victimhood - they move on. Some people need help doing that, others do not. Neither way is wrong.

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lilyofcourse


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I think most don't see them selves as victims. They see themselves as survivors.

I think the ones who carry the victim banner their whole lives want the pity that comes with it.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

Some people don't want to wallow in victimhood - they move on. Some people need help doing that, others do not. Neither way is wrong.

 This exactly!

 

 

PS By the way ed you do see abuse everywhere and it makes me wonder. It's not normal to be so obsessed with young girls losing their virginity and seeing every man as a molester.



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I was raped when I was 19. I know of several people who were either raped or molested. They all got some kind of therapy to deal with it. I don't consider getting therapy making you weak or a victim. I have no problem with this man not wanting it but that doesn't mean he's somehow the poster boy for what a non victim should be. You get therapy so you DON'T see yourself as a victim. I'm also not saying he should get therapy if he doesn't want it. That's fine. It's just pretty much NORMAL to have very mixed up emotions after these things happen and need some help.

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huskerbb


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Lawyerlady wrote:

Some people don't want to wallow in victimhood - they move on. Some people need help doing that, others do not. Neither way is wrong.

But that isn't up to someone else--even a spouse.  



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Lawyerlady


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huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

Some people don't want to wallow in victimhood - they move on. Some people need help doing that, others do not. Neither way is wrong.

But that isn't up to someone else--even a spouse.  

 How does anything I said need a "but"?  You are arguing even when there is nothing to argue about.



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flan327


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ed11563 wrote:

Could she be so insistent because something happened to her long ago? And she needs therapy?

(Yes, Tiny Dancer will comment that I see abuse everywhere. That's okay.)

 

 

Actually, it's NOT okay...but it says far more about her than it does about you.

flan 



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flan327 wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

Could she be so insistent because something happened to her long ago? And she needs therapy?

(Yes, Tiny Dancer will comment that I see abuse everywhere. That's okay.)

 

 

Actually, it's NOT okay...but it says far more about her than it does about you.

flan 

 Hahahaha...jump right in flan. I'm not the one who looks like a pedophile.



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flan327


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Neither is ed.

flan

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Tinydancer


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I didn't say he was. I said the things he posts about little girls and their virginity and pedophiles around every corner makes him sound like one. As I've never met him or you for that matter I can only go by what I see here.

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lilyofcourse


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flan327 wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

Could she be so insistent because something happened to her long ago? And she needs therapy?

(Yes, Tiny Dancer will comment that I see abuse everywhere. That's okay.)

 

 

Actually, it's NOT okay...but it says far more about her than it does about you.

flan 

 Here we go again . 

Very first comment has NOTHING to do with the subject at hand. Just a dig at another poster.

The consistency is steadfast. 



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flan327


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We're all adults...don't see the need for a Board Mommy.

flan

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flan327 wrote:

We're all adults...don't see the need for a Board Mommy.

flan

 Yet you try to be the Board Mommy all the time with me...lol



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lilyofcourse


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flan327 wrote:

We're all adults...don't see the need for a Board Mommy.

flan

 Then stop acting like a brat.



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flan327


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Oooooh, Lily...are you going to send me to time out now?

flan

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flan327 wrote:

Oooooh, Lily...are you going to send me to time out now?

flan

 You need it. 



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flan327


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This is priceless!

flan

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lilyofcourse


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No doubt.

You like to jump on others but then can't take it when called on it.

Stop being the bully Flan.

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flan327


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I don't think you actually know what that word means.

I do know that you don't like me.

flan

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flan327 wrote:

I don't think you actually know what that word means.

I do know that you don't like me.

flan

 I know what the word bully means and it's what you've been trying to do to me since the first time I disagreed with you. Guess what. It's not working. I do know you don't like me but I really don't give a flying flip. Just continue to stick your snout into every comment I make and I'll continue to post how I want.



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flan327


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I was talking to Lily.

flan

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I know you were. Pretending you weren't trying to be a bully.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Flan bully someone? That's not possible. I can swat her like a flea. She's harmless.

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flan327


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But attacking ed is okay? I don't understand gibberish.

flan

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I didn't attack ed. He's the one that brought up my name. Try reading once in a while...lol

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Flan bully someone? That's not possible. I can swat her like a flea. She's harmless.

 She keeps trying but harmless is not the word I'd use.



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flan327


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Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't attack ed. He's the one that brought up my name. Try reading once in a while...lol

 Because you are SO predictable.

flan



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flan327 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't attack ed. He's the one that brought up my name. Try reading once in a while...lol

 Because you are SO predictable.

flan

 Hahaha...Coming from you that really makes me laugh "Mrs. I can't answer a question".

 

By the way. ed is very predictable when it comes to young girls and their virginity. I notice that quite frequently.



-- Edited by Tinydancer on Tuesday 5th of May 2015 08:42:42 AM

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lilyofcourse


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flan327 wrote:

But attacking ed is okay? I don't understand gibberish.

flan

 She didn't attack Ed. 

The fact that you can't see the difference is very telling. 



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flan327 wrote:

I don't think you actually know what that word means.

I do know that you don't like me.

flan

 I do know what it means. And you like to throw it out there when someone disagrees with you. But you don't see how you come in, making your digs and insulting others and can't see you are the actual bully.

 



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lilyofcourse wrote:
flan327 wrote:

I don't think you actually know what that word means.

I do know that you don't like me.

flan

 I do know what it means. And you like to throw it out there when someone disagrees with you. But you don't see how you come in, making your digs and insulting others and can't see you are the actual bully.

 

thumbsup.gif 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well, I like you guys and I like flan. So, digs can go both ways. So what?

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Tinydancer


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I don't engage flan unless she starts with the digs, then yes she will gat back as good as she gives. She can't tell me how to post and she's always jumping in to every discussion I have with anyone else so that's what.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I am not telling you how to post one way or the other. Post whatever you want to post.

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I didn't say you were telling me but flan sure thinks she has a say in what I post and to whom.

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flan327


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Anyone can comment on any post. That's the way message boards work.

flan

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Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't say you were telling me but flan sure thinks she has a say in what I post and to whom.

Well, then you just tell her to um, ......the horse you rode in on.    You know. 



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flan327


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't say you were telling me but flan sure thinks she has a say in what I post and to whom.

Well, then you just tell her to um, ......the horse you rode in on.    You know. 

 Be very careful, LGS. I don't want you to be the next target.

flan



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flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't say you were telling me but flan sure thinks she has a say in what I post and to whom.

Well, then you just tell her to um, ......the horse you rode in on.    You know. 

 Be very careful, LGS. I don't want you to be the next target.

flan

 Ummm...you are the one who targeted me from the very first day. LGS and I are ok with each other so don't be trying to start crap between us flan. Go protect husker and ed from the big meanie Tinydancer...lol



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flan327 wrote:

Anyone can comment on any post. That's the way message boards work.

flan

 Except when I post to anyone. Then you think you need to jump in and save them with your special brand of hooey.



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flan327


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Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't say you were telling me but flan sure thinks she has a say in what I post and to whom.

Well, then you just tell her to um, ......the horse you rode in on.    You know. 

 Be very careful, LGS. I don't want you to be the next target.

flan

 Ummm...you are the one who targeted me from the very first day. LGS and I are ok with each other so don't be trying to start crap between us flan. Go protect husker and ed from the big meanie Tinydancer...lol

 I will speak up for my friends whenever I choose.

flan



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I will discuss topics with whoever I choose as well...lol

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Tinydancer


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flan327 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't say you were telling me but flan sure thinks she has a say in what I post and to whom.

Well, then you just tell her to um, ......the horse you rode in on.    You know. 

 Be very careful, LGS. I don't want you to be the next target.

flan

 Ummm...you are the one who targeted me from the very first day. LGS and I are ok with each other so don't be trying to start crap between us flan. Go protect husker and ed from the big meanie Tinydancer...lol

 I will speak up for my friends whenever I choose.

flan

 By the way, you argue with husker a lot more than I do because at least husker and I have a belief in God and the Bible in common. He pretty much trashes everything you say so have fun protecting him from yourself for a change.



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flan327


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I trust husker.

flan

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

I didn't say you were telling me but flan sure thinks she has a say in what I post and to whom.

Well, then you just tell her to um, ......the horse you rode in on.    You know. 

 Be very careful, LGS. I don't want you to be the next target.

flan

Oh Hell.  I ain't scared of nobody. 



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