Who’s Your Mother?

My mom thinks she can do a better job with my baby than I can.

Dear Prudie, 
I have a 5-month-old baby. My mother came to help out when he was born, and my husband and I are grateful to her for that. But we both began to notice while she was here that she would disparage my ability to breast-feed. I didn’t think that much of it, even though my husband felt she wanted to be holding our son more than I did. Now when she visits she routinely says that my son is “making do” with the mother he has, that it’s unfortunate for him that she isn’t around us most of the time. On her last visit she pointed out that she was a stay-at-home mother and I am not, so I need to have more of a routine in order to be a good mother. When she comes, I feel constantly judged, which is making me feel more distant from her. I think that she is jealous that I have a baby because her days of being a young mother are long past. I don’t know if I should bring any of this up to her. She is a very touchy person and I’m not sure it would do any good. How do I deal with this?

—Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Your mother has a classic personality combo: She is the highly judgmental person who gets outraged when judged herself. Whatever is fueling her behavior, you have to do something because it’s intolerable and is ruining your relationship with her. Instead of boasting about what a great mother she was back when, she needs to start being a great mother to you now. If she doesn’t put a lid on it, you will have to put a lid on her visits, and then everyone loses because your son will miss having the close presence of an (appropriately) loving grandmother. So the next time she comes, prepare yourself to speak up. When she inevitably makes a snide comment, calmly call her out. Say something like, “Mom, you may not even be aware of this, but since I had the baby, you’ve issued a stream of insults about my mothering skills. You’re not giving me useful advice, you’re just hurting me and it needs to stop.” If she has a tantrum, or escalates the insults, then you tell her you’re going to take the baby for a walk. When you get back, if she won’t back down or have a calm talk with you about this, then cut the visit short. Either she will adjust her behavior or she will have a whole lot fewer opportunities to boast about her superior mothering skills.