TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Prudie: I Never Showed Late Brother's Suicide Letter

FNW · Guru

How sad. That poor sibling.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I don't know. I think that it is usually better to just confront the truth. She should have given the letter over immediately when finding it. Yes, it is unpleasant. Yes it is full of accusations. But, there may be some kernel of understanding that could have been gleaned by the parents. Unless the parents are very frail and elderly, I think the sister should give them the letter. Yes, it's awful to have to relive that. But, that was their son and they should at least be given the honest truth and then deal with it in their own way.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I don't think anything good would come from sharing that letter. It was written by a bitter, misguided teen who took his life for the sole purpose of punishing his parents.

FNW · Guru

I don't think it should be shown.

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Burn the letter. Nothing but more grief can come of it.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I don't think it's fair to just say she should have known to turn it over. She was only a kid herself, how should she know the right thing to do? I don't think there is a right or wrong here, it's not cut and dry. She had good intentions and I don't think the letter should be shown at this point.

Or he I guess

NAOW · Vette's SS

I don't think she should hand it over. I also think she made the best decision she could being 14 and just having lost her brother. She was trying to do the right thing and it was a compassionate choice.

I can't imagine losing a child to suicide, but also finding out that they hate you and blame you?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

That letter doesn't mean he hated his parents. It is skewed thinking. Facing life is sometimes painful. I think the parents have the right to see the letter and make their own interpretation of it.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
That letter doesn't mean he hated his parents. It is skewed thinking. Facing life is sometimes painful. I think the parents have the right to see the letter and make their own interpretation of it.

I don't think this is good advice. It could kill the parent's, their lives spirally down quickly.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

NAOW wrote:
I don't think she should hand it over. I also think she made the best decision she could being 14 and just having lost her brother. She was trying to do the right thing and it was a compassionate choice.

I can't imagine losing a child to suicide, but also finding out that they hate you and blame you?

I really like this.

msrock · Guru

15 year olds are stupid. Their brains just haven't developed fully yet. There is no way I would recommend that she share that letter with her parents. It would break their hearts.

Lindley · Guru

NAOW wrote:
I don't think she should hand it over. I also think she made the best decision she could being 14 and just having lost her brother. She was trying to do the right thing and it was a compassionate choice.

I can't imagine losing a child to suicide, but also finding out that they hate you and blame you?

I too agree with this. It will make a extremeful painful event in their lives even worse. I'm sure they are already wondering what they did or didn't do to prevent their son from killing himself.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't think he/she should show the parents the note. No way. But if he/she is feeling guilty maybe he/she could sit down with the parents and give them a softer version of the truth. Something along the lines of, "Mom, Dad, I know you wish bro left a note but right before he killed himself we had a long talk. I know he was frustrated and hurting from all the change going on in our lives right about then. He wasn't adjusting to school well, his crush turned him down, and he was worried about all the fighting you guys were doing. He had a lot on his mind. He was pretty stressed out and I don't think he was able to see the forest through the trees."

ed11563 · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't think he/she should show the parents the note. No way. But if he/she is feeling guilty maybe he/she could sit down with the parents and give them a softer version of the truth. Something along the lines of, "Mom, Dad, I know you wish bro left a note but right before he killed himself we had a long talk. I know he was frustrated and hurting from all the change going on in our lives right about then. He wasn't adjusting to school well, his crush turned him down, and he was worried about all the fighting you guys were doing. He had a lot on his mind. He was pretty stressed out and I don't think he was able to see the forest through the trees."

NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!

If she says she talked with him, THEY WILL BLAME HER for not warning them that he was suicidal.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

This survivor needs therapy. Period. Too much to deal with on her own.

Parents too it seems.

Blankie · Guru

I don't see how any good could come from showing the parents the letter.

THINK. Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary or Kind?

It's only honest - just one out of five. It violates the other four.

The sibling is right not to do it.

Blankie · Guru

It makes me wonder where he left the letter, if the sibling found it and the parents didn't.

And who was it addressed to?

Did he leave it in a place where he knew the sibling would find it and not the parents?

Doesn't say. Or else Prudie edited it. I hate when they edit the letters. It makes our endless speculation on message boards so much harder.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Blankie wrote:
It makes me wonder where he left the letter, if the sibling found it and the parents didn't.
And who was it addressed to?
Did he leave it in a place where he knew the sibling would find it and not the parents?
Doesn't say. Or else Prudie edited it. I hate when they edit the letters. It makes our endless speculation on message boards so much harder.

And so much more debatable. I'm glad the sis found the letter and not the parents. That would break my heart to find out that is what my child wrote right before committing suicide, after I had parented him in the best way I knew how. Even with mistakes parents make, they do not deserve to hear what he wrote. I'm talking normal parents here...

ed11563 · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
And so much more debatable. I'm glad the sis found the letter and not the parents. That would break my heart to find out that is what my child wrote right before committing suicide, after I had parented him in the best way I knew how. Even with mistakes parents make, they do not deserve to hear what he wrote. I'm talking normal parents here...

Actually, not all parents parent in the best way they know how. Some of them are mean drunks, some of them are selfish nasty individuals whose birth control failed, and some of them are just violent NUTS.

Some of them deliberately do the worst job of parenting they can get away with.

The son and the LW were both afraid of those parents.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

ed11563 wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
And so much more debatable. I'm glad the sis found the letter and not the parents. That would break my heart to find out that is what my child wrote right before committing suicide, after I had parented him in the best way I knew how. Even with mistakes parents make, they do not deserve to hear what he wrote. I'm talking normal parents here...
Actually, not all parents parent in the best way they know how. Some of them are mean drunks, some of them are selfish nasty individuals whose birth control failed, and some of them are just violent NUTS.
Some of them deliberately do the worst job of parenting they can get away with.
The son and the LW were both afraid of those parents.

Yes, because as always we jump to the conclusion that the parents were mean abusive adults. You know, sometimes it is what is. There's no hidden meaning. The parents decided to get a divorce. I'm sure they were fighting. It doesn't mean they were abusing the kids, drinking, or didn't wants the kids in the first place. Let's always assume the worst though.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Oh good Lord Ed.

burns07 · Guru

destroy the letter--you were young when this happened, you've since grown and seen the agony of your parents--no doubt they've questioned themselves often--would not add to their suffering--deranged or not, words filled with hate and loathing will serve no purpose now and only lead to more grief and guilt on the part of the parents

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

burns07 wrote:

destroy the letter--you were young when this happened, you've since grown and seen the agony of your parents--no doubt they've questioned themselves often--would not add to their suffering--deranged or not, words filled with hate and loathing will serve no purpose now and only lead to more grief and guilt on the part of the parents

If I were the LW, I don't think I could destroy the letter. AS horrible as it is, it would be my last connection to my sibling.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

ed11563 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't think he/she should show the parents the note. No way. But if he/she is feeling guilty maybe he/she could sit down with the parents and give them a softer version of the truth. Something along the lines of, "Mom, Dad, I know you wish bro left a note but right before he killed himself we had a long talk. I know he was frustrated and hurting from all the change going on in our lives right about then. He wasn't adjusting to school well, his crush turned him down, and he was worried about all the fighting you guys were doing. He had a lot on his mind. He was pretty stressed out and I don't think he was able to see the forest through the trees."
NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!

If she says she talked with him, THEY WILL BLAME HER for not warning them that he was suicidal.

You assume that the parents would blame the sibling. You don't know that.

ed11563 · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't think he/she should show the parents the note. No way. But if he/she is feeling guilty maybe he/she could sit down with the parents and give them a softer version of the truth. Something along the lines of, "Mom, Dad, I know you wish bro left a note but right before he killed himself we had a long talk. I know he was frustrated and hurting from all the change going on in our lives right about then. He wasn't adjusting to school well, his crush turned him down, and he was worried about all the fighting you guys were doing. He had a lot on his mind. He was pretty stressed out and I don't think he was able to see the forest through the trees."
NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!

If she says she talked with him, THEY WILL BLAME HER for not warning them that he was suicidal.

You assume that the parents would blame the sibling. You don't know that.

I can just hear her parents yelling at her, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US??? "

Can't you hear it?

Saying she found out afterward is one thing. Saying he gave her strong clues beforehand, which she failed to act on, is entirely different.

NAOW · Vette's SS

ed11563 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't think he/she should show the parents the note. No way. But if he/she is feeling guilty maybe he/she could sit down with the parents and give them a softer version of the truth. Something along the lines of, "Mom, Dad, I know you wish bro left a note but right before he killed himself we had a long talk. I know he was frustrated and hurting from all the change going on in our lives right about then. He wasn't adjusting to school well, his crush turned him down, and he was worried about all the fighting you guys were doing. He had a lot on his mind. He was pretty stressed out and I don't think he was able to see the forest through the trees."
NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!

If she says she talked with him, THEY WILL BLAME HER for not warning them that he was suicidal.

You assume that the parents would blame the sibling. You don't know that.
I can just hear her parents yelling at her, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US??? "
Can't you hear it?

Saying she found out afterward is one thing. Saying he gave her strong clues beforehand, which she failed to act on, is entirely different.

I don't think they would blame her. They were aware of all of those things going on except for maybe his crush rejecting him. I mean, everyone knows divorce and moving and switching schools is stressful on kids, and they were living with him. So while they didn't know he was suicidal, they really can't blame the sister for not knowing either.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

NAOW wrote:

I don't think they would blame her. They were aware of all of those things going on except for maybe his crush rejecting him. I mean, everyone knows divorce and moving and switching schools is stressful on kids, and they were living with him. So while they didn't know he was suicidal, they really can't blame the sister for not knowing either.

Thank you NAOW. Glad to hear someone else has some sense. I think it's entirely possible for the child to tell the parents and the parents not blame them. For all the reasons you stated plus more. A lot of time has passed. I think at the time of the brothers death it probably would have added to the guilt because everyone was under so much stress. But it sounds now like life is more settled and, other than the brothers death, they are relatively happy. I think the parents wouldn't blame the other sibling at this point because they have more coping skills. It sounds like, at the time, the whole family was going through a lot. And honestly, a lot of people dump on you a lot of times and they don't kill themselves. Nobody just assumes the person is going to kill themselves until they specifically say so.

ed11563 · Guru

NAOW wrote:
I don't think they would blame her. They were aware of all of those things going on except for maybe his crush rejecting him. I mean, everyone knows divorce and moving and switching schools is stressful on kids, and they were living with him. So while they didn't know he was suicidal, they really can't blame the sister for not knowing either.

You would be right is you use the word "should" instead of "would". They might blame her for a minute, or an hour or a few days before they came to their senses.

BUT it would be very hard on her until / unless they SO stop blaming her. Heck, they certainly don't want to blame THEMSELVES.

NAOW · Vette's SS

ed11563 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
I don't think they would blame her. They were aware of all of those things going on except for maybe his crush rejecting him. I mean, everyone knows divorce and moving and switching schools is stressful on kids, and they were living with him. So while they didn't know he was suicidal, they really can't blame the sister for not knowing either.
You would be right is you use the word "should" instead of "would". They might blame her for a minute, or an hour or a few days before they came to their senses.
BUT it would be very hard on her until / unless they SO stop blaming her. Heck, they certainly don't want to blame THEMSELVES.

You don't know that. Most people I know are reasonable, understanding, and compassionate people who do not treat their children badly and would not place blame, especially so long after the fact. Most would, in fact, carry guilt for the fact that their living child has been holding onto that secret on their own for so long.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

NAOW wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
I don't think they would blame her. They were aware of all of those things going on except for maybe his crush rejecting him. I mean, everyone knows divorce and moving and switching schools is stressful on kids, and they were living with him. So while they didn't know he was suicidal, they really can't blame the sister for not knowing either.
You would be right is you use the word "should" instead of "would". They might blame her for a minute, or an hour or a few days before they came to their senses.
BUT it would be very hard on her until / unless they SO stop blaming her. Heck, they certainly don't want to blame THEMSELVES.

You don't know that. Most people I know are reasonable, understanding, and compassionate people who do not treat their children badly and would not place blame, especially so long after the fact. Most would, in fact, carry guilt for the fact that their living child has been holding onto that secret on their own for so long.

I agree NAOW. Especially since it sounds like the issues that the family were having at the time the brother killed himself have now been resolved.

Momala · Great cook-happy wife-superb fisherman

Suicide, per se, is a very selfish act. You leave those who cared for you with the terrible task of cleaning up after you. Who is going to care for your children? What happens to your pets? Who knows enough about your life to file for life insurance? Etc. etc. etc.

The sibling is left with the most onerous task of informing the parents of the "reasoing" behind the act, when really, there is none, even if stated in a letter.

When my youngest SD commtted suicide two years ago, even her therapist was shocked. I have still not been shown what was in her letter, but it caused a permanent rift between myself and the rest of my step children (who were shown the letter, or parts of the letter.)

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody is " to blame" for suicide. Nobody knows what is in someone else mind. People think there are clues to every suicide and that is patently false. Sometimes there are clues but sometimes there is not. And all human beings have up snd down days. Others cannot know what is going on in someone elses mind.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Momala wrote:
Suicide, per se, is a very selfish act. You leave those who cared for you with the terrible task of cleaning up after you. Who is going to care for your children? What happens to your pets? Who knows enough about your life to file for life insurance? Etc. etc. etc.

The sibling is left with the most onerous task of informing the parents of the "reasoing" behind the act, when really, there is none, even if stated in a letter.

When my youngest SD commtted suicide two years ago, even her therapist was shocked. I have still not been shown what was in her letter, but it caused a permanent rift between myself and the rest of my step children (who were shown the letter, or parts of the letter.)

People automatically assume there is going to be a suicide note. And, in some cases that is true. But, after talking with people who have had loved ones commit suicide and leave a note, the note leaves just as many questions.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

They probably would blame her. They probably have blamed themselves and every single person they know at some point and probably more than once.

In hind sight, people make all kinds of accusations.

It wouldn't make the parents bad if they did. It makes them human.

This is an adult child now.

And this siblings g is needing help because this guilt she has put on herself is becoming too much to carry.

I do know she needs professional help.

The therapist can help figure out what to do with the letter and information.

Lindley · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
They probably would blame her. They probably have blamed themselves and every single person they know at some point and probably more than once.

In hind sight, people make all kinds of accusations.

It wouldn't make the parents bad if they did. It makes them human.

This is an adult child now.

And this siblings g is needing help because this guilt she has put on herself is becoming too much to carry.

I do know she needs professional help.

The therapist can help figure out what to do with the letter and information.

I agree with this. She needs to find a good therapist who can help her through her guilt and help her find solutions. That was such a heavy burden for a young teenage girl. She sounds like a loving and compassionate young lady

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Momala wrote:
Suicide, per se, is a very selfish act. You leave those who cared for you with the terrible task of cleaning up after you. Who is going to care for your children? What happens to your pets? Who knows enough about your life to file for life insurance? Etc. etc. etc.

The sibling is left with the most onerous task of informing the parents of the "reasoing" behind the act, when really, there is none, even if stated in a letter.

When my youngest SD commtted suicide two years ago, even her therapist was shocked. I have still not been shown what was in her letter, but it caused a permanent rift between myself and the rest of my step children (who were shown the letter, or parts of the letter.)

I'm so sorry, Momala - that must have been very painful. cry

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Gosh, Momala. That's awful. I'm sorry to hear it. cry

Lindley · Guru

I'm so sorry momala

FNW · Guru

I am sorry to hear of this, momala.

My ex-FIL killed himself as did my BFF's son. Very selfish, indeed.