Dear Prudence, My husband and I moved away from family over 15 years ago to pursue our careers. Since then we have spent the majority of our vacation time and thousands of dollars coming home to visit our parents and siblings at least twice a year (including Thanksgiving, which is always a very expensive circus). In part, we visit out of a sense of obligation, but also because we want to stay connected. Meanwhile, our family has visited us only a handful of times. This year, I am trying to start a tradition of a summer retreat in which everyone gathers for a few days at a lake cabin. The location would be within a three-hour drive for them and the time commitment would be minimal. I am getting such a lukewarm, noncommittal response to this proposal that resentment has started to build. Why should we go to the trouble, year after year, to see the family if getting together is not important to them? I’m tempted to cut our trips home altogether, if it didn’t mean that our kids would lose time with their extended family. Is it reasonable to ask for some reciprocity from our families? Should we just stop visiting?
—Fed Up
Dear Fed, They can be lukewarm about a summer get-together because it sounds as if they all see each other all the time and the vacation you propose sounds like cabin fever to them. You need to be less oblique about all this. Tell them that because you live far away, keeping a connection with all of them is important to you, but it’s also costly. Explain that it’s not just the financial expense, but the fact that you don’t take vacations elsewhere in order to see them. Then say this is all part of why you think a lake retreat would be a wonderful new tradition. If they agree you need a definite yes and a check. If it doesn’t come together, then you should take this opportunity to take a real vacation with your immediate family. I hope it’s so much fun that you decide to do more, and do so without guilt. If you live somewhere fun, suggest your extended family consider your home a vacation destination—that would help you feel visits are less one-sided. I love Thanksgiving, but I don’t have to brave any airports. If the travel headaches for this holiday are a misery, drop it, and choose some less taxing long weekend for an annual visit. Feeling angry and resentful at having to schlep to see your family will only defeat the whole purpose of the trip.
Wow. I could almost have written that letter a few years ago. But, we started taking vacations and then got comments from my MIL. I explained that DH only gets 2 weeks vacation a year and we can't visit every year if we want to actually take a vacation. She gets it a little better now, although we've actually gone back home twice in the last year.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
That was me 20 years ago. I used to go home a couple times a year and stay a week. Then I told my family that sorry, but I'll come out for a long weekend, but I need my vacation days for...vacations, and as much as I loved them, returning to the place I lived for 32 years was not a vacation. They understood. But then again, they visited me every few months so it wasn't like I was cutting them off.
My brother has only been back to see me a handful of times in 20 years, but I understand and don't feel any resentment. We don't need to see each other or even talk to each other a lot to remain close.
Our vacation this year, my nephew and niece are coming with us.
It's fun now. Traveling with 5 between the ages of 20 and 15.
But I feel for the OP.
I wouldn't be going above and beyond when my time was so limited.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
When DH and I first got married, we would run around between our parents and his parents. But, traveling in PA in the winter can be tricky and dangerous. So, then we decided to just go to DH's parents for Thanksgiving and my parents for Christmas. Then, we had kids and had enough of that and invited people to come here. His parents never could be bothered. Nor could Dh's sister. In fact Dh's sister has NEVER driven up to visit us EVER in our entire lives. It's only about a 2 hour drive. Well, she lives in Pittsburgh and we have gone there quite a bit since DH's brother lives there too and he and his family do come and visit. The road runs both ways in that case. And, there are times my kids have had sports events in Pittsburgh. Dh's sister is always like "oh why don't you call me so I can come"? And, we used to call her. But if we called a day before, it wasn't enough notice. If we called a week before, it wasn't enough notice. If we called a month before, she wasn't sure, blah, blah. So subsequently she has never come to any of those local events. Most recently, DD was playing AAU basketball and we had a lot of events in Pittsburgh. And, she is like "oh why didn't you call me, I would have come". Um, yeah, she hasn't bothered in 20+ years, so yeah. lol
Since we've moved out of JHB less than a year ago, I've been back once for a bestie's wedding, and I'm already being hounded about when I will be back again. I plead poverty.
We're getting a pool, so no vacays for us this year. Well, we might do a weekend somewhere, but we're not telling anyone. The last 5 years we've done "family" vacays, including my parents in the trip. It's been a blast, and the kids love it. Plus, they will take the kids while we go out for a drink and relax. But this year I want to focus on turning our backward into an oasis, so our time and money will go to that. The boys are fine with it. We will still take a week and go places around here.
Back when the in-laws were permitted to come down, it was fun, until we had kids and they were rude to the boys. But holidays weren't pleasant, as DH had to decide which parent to invite, worried about what the other would think, then make additional time to visit the other, etc. Then his mother passed and we would just go to his father's. They ignored me or sniped at me if I tried to talk or help, and just sat in their chairs and stared at the boys while Jack helped them put together their toys so they had something to play with, we just decided not to bother anymore.
-- Edited by FNW on Friday 15th of May 2015 09:51:39 AM
My parents relocated when they first got married. We always went to PA for Thanksgiving & Christmas & during the summer when I was a kid. My grandparents did come down to visit sometimes but usually it was us going back to visit. Later when we were older we didn't make the trip nearly as often. As a result I don't feel very close to any of my cousins.
That's a little sad, lexxy. My boys have no cousins on DH's side, so when we went up, it was just a few grown-ups staring at them. They're not missing out on anything.
My step MIL told us when we were home for Christmas "don't expect us to ever visit you, it's just too far away". Meanwhile they travel just as far to see her family and also to see DH's brother and his family. Whatever.
Oh...and she said that to DD. Who says that to their grandchild? And she wonders why we don't like them much.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Mine told us they won't come down unless they could stay for 3 nights or longer, because it's too far to drive. It's 3 hours. Then they posted pics on FB of their road trip from PA to Indiana. And their one day trip to Massachusetts.
Mine told us they won't come down unless they could stay for 3 nights or longer, because it's too far to drive. It's 3 hours. Then they posted pics on FB of their road trip from PA to Indiana. And their one day trip to Massachusetts.
The more we post about our inlaws...the more I think we are related. 😉
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Honestly I can't wait until DD graduates next year. If they don't make the trip for her graduation, I will say something to them. And we will probably never waste time going to see them again. When we go back to our hometown, I hate taking time away from my parents to go see my inlaws. My parents are super supportive and come visit us often and when we visit them they try and give us gas money. We refuse it but it's sweet of them to offer. His parents wouldn't cross the street to see us. Why should I take time away from my family to see people like that ?!
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Been there, done that, have the tee shirt (oops, I meant we printed the tee shirt)
My father was promoted/transferred in his company about every 3-4 years, meaning we moved just as often. We seemed to almost always have to travel to see family, and I could count on one finger of one hand any of the times people came to visit. That meant that we almost NEVER got a real vacation trip.
Flash forward to 2004, and DH took a job that moved us from So. Cal to a lovely island on the east coast of Florida. And again, all time/money was spent going back to visit. When we took a pass on coming back (for a THIRD TIME )to go to a DGS's christening, you'd have thought we were the most heartless, evil grandparents on the face of the earth. In the past 10.5 years, we have had exactly 3 visits from family. Compare to us having to travel at least twice a year to visit. And none of these people have a lack of vacation time or funds.
Now, most of the reasons we had to travel back there are dead and gone, including the relationship with that one son. So we now have the money to take real "vacations" (even if our time is now more restricted). Instead of having to fly to Seattle, we offered to pay for our other DS, DDIL, and DGSs to fly here to visit us.. We have the space, a lovely beach, and everyone is happy.
I'll repeat my favorite Irish saying
May them that love us, love us.
And if they don't love us, may God turn their hearts.
But if He can't turn their hearts,
May her turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
