Q. Daughter Wannabe Actress: My daughter went to an Ivy League college and graduated near the top of her class in economics. She declared late in her senior year that she wanted to be an actress and did not want to work a traditional 9-to-5 job. Five years later and after paying for acting classes, she is living at home and getting bit jobs. Every time I suggest she look for a full-time job, she tells me she won’t be happy with a 9-to-5 job. Then she accuses me of being unsupportive of her aspirations. (Dad has always been a soft touch.) I have seen her act, and she has no great talent, but I could not say this to her. I want to see her become an independent young lady. Where do I start?
A: I’ll say she’s not interested in a 9-to-5 job; she doesn’t seem interested in any job. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that young people who aspire to act, or paint, or write support this desire by, day in and day out, saying, “Let me tell you about the chef’s specials.” Obviously, your daughter has brains and at one point had drive. You don’t get an Ivy degree without that. But something happened, and she went off the rails. I say you need a multipronged approach. One, she needs a psychological and medical evaluation. Maybe she’s depressed or has some other underlying problem. While her classmates are out in the world establishing themselves, she’s home, refusing to work, and fantasizing about stardom. The other is for the three of you to get into counseling with the goal of no longer supporting her, getting her out of the house, and having her relaunch herself. Since she majored in economics, she needs to dust off her old textbooks and renew her acquaintance with some basic economic principles, one being that if you are unable or unwilling to support yourself, and your family will not provide for you, you are in a desperate situation. You have to establish a clear and enforceable time line (and that means her soft-touch dad signs up for this) under which your daughter starts becoming an independent actor (and I’m not talking about on the stage) and starts living an independent life.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
The problem is she isn't supporting herself. It is great to have a dream & pursue it but she needs to get some form of a job. Waitress, bartender, she can even do background work & make about $100 a day.
My ex at the age of 50 decided if he worked on more day in corporate America he'd blow his brains out. He quit a good job & moved to LA to become an actor. He does background work & delivers food &/or drives people around.
I wonder where this family lives. If your daughter wants to be an actress, tell her she needs to move to whwre the work is -- LA or NYC. Pack up her stuff, and wish her well. If this family is living in any other city, they need to tell her to move to where her profession has the most openings, and while she is there get a job to support herself.
One of the biggest problems parents create themselves is not setting expectations for their children. My girls know that when college is over, so is the gravy train. (If they chose not to attend college, rent payments begin the month after high school ends unless they enrolled in some sort of training.) It was explained to them both very early on that when college is over, we will help you get settled in whatever city you land in, you will get a few months of minor subsidy (I will pay for groceries for a few months while they get settled) and then it's all you. The purpose of raising a child is so they can be self sufficient and not setting that expectation for your child does them a huge disservice. The parents in the OP are enabling this behavior 100%.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Yes, exactly. You want to take your shot. Then fine, pack your bags, go to the big city, get a couple of waitressing jobs, support yourself and live your dream.
