Dear Prudence, My sister recently got her bachelor’s degree at the age of 33. Her decadelong journey through college passed from coast to coast with many proclamations that the next stop was the last. She’s flighty and noncommittal, never doing anything in a “normal” way. She’s been financially supported by my parents far too long. I’m really struggling with how to celebrate this “achievement.” My gut reaction is not one of pride and joy, but “What took you so long?” How do I show the excited reaction she is hoping for?
—Oh, Brother
Dear Brother, I assume you’ve faked emotion before, so now’s the time to do it again. Frankly, I don’t see why you wouldn’t be delighted that this perpetual student finally got her degree and is ready to launch what is likely to be a tortuous job search. You are fed up with your sister and especially with the financial aid your parents have provided. But instead of expressing this to one and all, give your congratulations and then have a private talk with your parents. Say you are concerned that there may be some underlying medical or psychological condition that’s been holding your sister back. Encourage them, since they are close to her and she’s dependent on them, to urge her to get an evaluation. Maybe a diagnosis of ADHD, or something else, will lead her to her getting effective treatment, which will make the rest of her life better. In the meantime, get her the nicest gift you can afford. It may have taken her a long time, but she’s a graduate all the same, and she deserves huzzahs and recognition.
—Prudie
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I would offer her my congratulations and a really big hug! It IS an achievement, and not one everyone can or has the opporunity to achieve a college degree, so I would not be petty about it and recognize a great milestone for her. Why be so bitter? Is it that difficult to just be happy for her? Just because she did not live her life the way you expected her too? Seriously, perhaps she is not the one who needs to seek some medical advice.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
Once you are an adult, it isn't your business how your parents spend their money. And, if they have choosen to give it to another sib, yes,that might be annoying but that isn't your business.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
Once you are an adult, it isn't your business how your parents spend their money. And, if they have choosen to give it to another sib, yes,that might be annoying but that isn't your business.
Bull. It is very much my business if it causes my parents to struggle. And if they are spending all their money supporting her and her education instead of saving for retirement, who the hell do you think is going to have to help support them when they get old? The slacker daughter they spent the money on? I think not.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
Once you are an adult, it isn't your business how your parents spend their money. And, if they have choosen to give it to another sib, yes,that might be annoying but that isn't your business.
Bull. It is very much my business if it causes my parents to struggle. And if they are spending all their money supporting her and her education instead of saving for retirement, who the hell do you think is going to have to help support them when they get old? The slacker daughter they spent the money on? I think not.
And, you really think you are going to stop them? Are you going to monitor their checkbook like they are 2 yrs old? If sis is a scammer, she will find ways to scam them from one crisis to the next until they decide to wise up themselves.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
Once you are an adult, it isn't your business how your parents spend their money. And, if they have choosen to give it to another sib, yes,that might be annoying but that isn't your business.
Bull. It is very much my business if it causes my parents to struggle. And if they are spending all their money supporting her and her education instead of saving for retirement, who the hell do you think is going to have to help support them when they get old? The slacker daughter they spent the money on? I think not.
And, you really think you are going to stop them? Are you going to monitor their checkbook like they are 2 yrs old? If sis is a scammer, she will find ways to scam them from one crisis to the next until they decide to wise up themselves.
It is actually a responsibility to make sure your parents don't get scammed if at all possible. Elder abuse is rampant in this country. Ignoring it makes you culpable.
But in this OP, what I said is that she has a right to be annoyed as hell at her sister.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
Once you are an adult, it isn't your business how your parents spend their money. And, if they have choosen to give it to another sib, yes,that might be annoying but that isn't your business.
Bull. It is very much my business if it causes my parents to struggle. And if they are spending all their money supporting her and her education instead of saving for retirement, who the hell do you think is going to have to help support them when they get old? The slacker daughter they spent the money on? I think not.
And, you really think you are going to stop them? Are you going to monitor their checkbook like they are 2 yrs old? If sis is a scammer, she will find ways to scam them from one crisis to the next until they decide to wise up themselves.
It is actually a responsibility to make sure your parents don't get scammed if at all possible. Elder abuse is rampant in this country. Ignoring it makes you culpable.
But in this OP, what I said is that she has a right to be annoyed as hell at her sister.
I know. But, usually what happens, is they just stop telling you. Yes, you would hope they would wise up and stop giving her money. She will never support herself until she has too.
Hey, for a graduation gift, she could tell sis she's making a contribution to their parents retirement account.
That would be funny. But, in reality, that doesn't make you a nice person to go rain on someone else's parade. He will have many other opportunities to fight with her.
Hey, for a graduation gift, she could tell sis she's making a contribution to their parents retirement account.
That would be funny. But, in reality, that doesn't make you a nice person to go rain on someone else's parade. He will have many other opportunities to fight with her.
Taking 15 years to get a 4 year college degree doesn't deserve a parade. My sister would get a verbal "congratulations" the next time I saw her and that would be the extent of her parade from me.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It would be different if there was a reason - like working to support a kid part of the time, etc. But this?
I guess the question should then be asked, why does anyone owe her any congratulations at all? I mean, why do I have to care. If how my parents shell out money to her hand over fist is none of my business, why is her degree any of by business requiring a response?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, it's over. So, what is your point now? If she is finally moving on maybe she will support herself. Being pissy isn't going to somehow refund the parents account from the past 15 yrs.
Well, it's over. So, what is your point now? If she is finally moving on maybe she will support herself. Being pissy isn't going to somehow refund the parents account from the past 15 yrs.
That could be said about anything that happens in life. Why do you think it means people are not allowed to have feelings about it? And you are the one who said to congratulate her. Why? You pushed for a positive response ignoring the OP's feelings completely. It's one thing to "get over it", it's another to tell someone they have to be happy about it or congratulate someone.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
And it's likely NOT over. You really think this girl is going to get a job and keep it? Bosses actually expect you to get things done in a reasonable amount of time.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, it's over. So, what is your point now? If she is finally moving on maybe she will support herself. Being pissy isn't going to somehow refund the parents account from the past 15 yrs.
That could be said about anything that happens in life. Why do you think it means people are not allowed to have feelings about it? And you are the one who said to congratulate her. Why? You pushed for a positive response ignoring the OP's feelings completely. It's one thing to "get over it", it's another to tell someone they have to be happy about it or congratulate someone.
Because I have better things to do than walking around feeling pissy all the time about what other people do.
Well, it's over. So, what is your point now? If she is finally moving on maybe she will support herself. Being pissy isn't going to somehow refund the parents account from the past 15 yrs.
That could be said about anything that happens in life. Why do you think it means people are not allowed to have feelings about it? And you are the one who said to congratulate her. Why? You pushed for a positive response ignoring the OP's feelings completely. It's one thing to "get over it", it's another to tell someone they have to be happy about it or congratulate someone.
Because I have better things to do than walking around feeling pissy all the time about what other people do.
And I have better things to do than throw a parade for dead-beat siblings that drained my parents' bank account.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
So, he's annoyed and pissy. And ,that has changed her behavior HOW exactly?
Being happy and ignoring her behavior changes it HOW exactly? It actually enables it. I do not enable irresponsible behavior by applauding it.
He hasn't changed her behavior one way or the other either way. So, how he reacts isn't going to change her behavior one iota either way. I would just congratulate her and get back to my own life. I don't need to find more ways to spend my days feeling pissy. Maybe you enjoy it, but it's simply a waste of time.
So, he's annoyed and pissy. And ,that has changed her behavior HOW exactly?
Being happy and ignoring her behavior changes it HOW exactly? It actually enables it. I do not enable irresponsible behavior by applauding it.
He hasn't changed her behavior one way or the other either way. So, how he reacts isn't going to change her behavior one iota either way. I would just congratulate her and get back to my own life. I don't need to find more ways to spend my days feeling pissy. Maybe you enjoy it, but it's simply a waste of time.
How is it being pissy to not congratulate someone? Doesn't he have the right to just go on with his life and not have to acknowledge it at all. Why is it HIS obligation to even notice?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
So, he's annoyed and pissy. And ,that has changed her behavior HOW exactly?
Being happy and ignoring her behavior changes it HOW exactly? It actually enables it. I do not enable irresponsible behavior by applauding it.
He hasn't changed her behavior one way or the other either way. So, how he reacts isn't going to change her behavior one iota either way. I would just congratulate her and get back to my own life. I don't need to find more ways to spend my days feeling pissy. Maybe you enjoy it, but it's simply a waste of time.
How is it being pissy to not congratulate someone? Doesn't he have the right to just go on with his life and not have to acknowledge it at all. Why is it HIS obligation to even notice?
He can do whatever he wants. He can tell her to Go F*ck herself if he wants to. I responded to the question. If you want to go tell her to F*ck off then go tell her to F8ck off. Sheesh.
Well, you are the one who has said in the past that adults shouldn't feel the need to be noticed on their birthday - why on earth would this be any different?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My brother didn't go to college till he was in his late 20s. He had to take time off for 2 years and didn't get his PhD till he was 38, maybe he was 40.
Congratulate your sibling. Be happy for them.
And it doesn't matter how much the parents did or did not contribute. It is the parents money. They can do what they want with it.
Grow up.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I don't know how you all do it in your family, but we are close in mine. Family is there not only to support you, but to keep you accountable. I can guarantee me and my sister would be having words if either of us tried to take advantage of our parents.
My brother didn't go to college till he was in his late 20s. He had to take time off for 2 years and didn't get his PhD till he was 38, maybe he was 40.
Congratulate your sibling. Be happy for them.
And it doesn't matter how much the parents did or did not contribute. It is the parents money. They can do what they want with it.
Grow up.
I certainly hope he wasn't leaching off your parents that whole time expecting them to support him and pay for his over a decade of schooling.
Many people have to take their time to get their degrees, but it's not because they are flitting around the country trying every school that strikes their fancy on mom and dad's dime - it's because they are working, taking care of kids, etc. And if you take 15 years of full-time schooling to graduate, you best have "Dr" in front of your name - and I'm not talking the intellectual kind.
People who expect mom and dad to pay for their deadbeat lifestyle into their 30s are losers who need to grow the hell up.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't know how you all do it in your family, but we are close in mine. Family is there not only to support you, but to keep you accountable. I can guarantee me and my sister would be having words if either of us tried to take advantage of our parents.
Seriously. And if my sibling had been doing it for YEARS, they wouldn't expect a congratulations from me b/c they would already know how I feel.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
Once you are an adult, it isn't your business how your parents spend their money. And, if they have choosen to give it to another sib, yes,that might be annoying but that isn't your business.
Bull. It is very much my business if it causes my parents to struggle. And if they are spending all their money supporting her and her education instead of saving for retirement, who the hell do you think is going to have to help support them when they get old? The slacker daughter they spent the money on? I think not.
No where does it say the parents totally supported her, nor does it say the parents are struggling financially or that they paid for the education.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Not sure how you can go from me saying I don't really want to receive birthday gifts to saying that I wouldn't congratulate someone on their accomplishment.
Well, now, it depends. How much money do the parents have? I'd be annoyed, too, if my sibling was taking advantage of my parents and their money by dragging out her education that long, too. I mean, I don't care how long she takes to get her degree - but at some point, she needed to take financial responsibility for it. She's 33, that means mom and dad have been supporting her for FIFTEEN years after high school. Yeah, that's just stupid.
Once you are an adult, it isn't your business how your parents spend their money. And, if they have choosen to give it to another sib, yes,that might be annoying but that isn't your business.
Bull. It is very much my business if it causes my parents to struggle. And if they are spending all their money supporting her and her education instead of saving for retirement, who the hell do you think is going to have to help support them when they get old? The slacker daughter they spent the money on? I think not.
No where does it say the parents totally supported her, nor does it say the parents are struggling financially or that they paid for the education.
"She’s been financially supported by my parents far too long."
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My brother didn't go to college till he was in his late 20s. He had to take time off for 2 years and didn't get his PhD till he was 38, maybe he was 40.
Congratulate your sibling. Be happy for them.
And it doesn't matter how much the parents did or did not contribute. It is the parents money. They can do what they want with it.
Grow up.
I certainly hope he wasn't leaching off your parents that whole time expecting them to support him and pay for his over a decade of schooling.
Many people have to take their time to get their degrees, but it's not because they are flitting around the country trying every school that strikes their fancy on mom and dad's dime - it's because they are working, taking care of kids, etc. And if you take 15 years of full-time schooling to graduate, you best have "Dr" in front of your name - and I'm not talking the intellectual kind.
People who expect mom and dad to pay for their deadbeat lifestyle into their 30s are losers who need to grow the hell up.
No. But we did help as much as we could.
The reason he took two yrs off was to work full time and pay down his debt.
And it was about then he divorced. So he was at the house every time he had his kids. And the kids were there when he wasnt.
But the fact remains that a parent can do what ever they want to help a child. It is no one else's business. Not even other kids.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My point is, it doesn't matter if the parents mortgaged off their house and sold everything they had to foot the bill. They can do what they want, when they want with their money.
Its no one's business but theirs. Not even their other kids.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.