How it feels when the man you love says you’re TOO FAT for him to desire you... Ursula Hirschkorn reveals her battle with weight and the impact it's had on her marriage

• Ursula Hirschkorn used to be a svelte size eight and happily married
• But having four children and battling depression saw her pile on six stone
• Is it fair for her husband of 12 years to say he doesn't fancy her anymore? 

By Ursula Hirschkorn for the Daily Mail

Published: 16:05 EST, 3 June 2015 | Updated: 17:36 EST, 3 June 2015

The scene summed things up perfectly. My husband and I were sitting on the sofa last Saturday evening, him at one end fiddling with his phone, me at the other staring at the TV.

Not a single part of our bodies was touching. Meanwhile, on the television screen, the male and female lead were becoming all steamed up during a particularly racy bedroom scene.

I looked over at Mike, and asked myself when had been the last time we’d behaved like that.

Weeks? Months? A quick mental calculation told me it had been more than two-and-a-half months since we’d last been intimate. Perhaps not that unusual for a couple with young children — we have four sons, aged from six to 11 — but, even so, I was shocked that it had been so long.

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Ursula Hirschkorn used to be a slim size 8, but has since piled on the pounds since marrying husband Mike

I nudged my Mike with my foot. ‘Do you know how long it is since we made love?’

He grunted back at me, refusing to answer the question. He clearly wanted this subject dropped, and quickly, but I wouldn’t let it go. I was sure there was something other than the fact we were busy parents at the heart of our lack of intimacy.

Naturally, after 12 years of marriage, and 15 years as a couple, we have, like most people, endured many peaks and troughs.

But there was no doubt in my mind that there had been some sort of shift in my husband’s attitude towards me.

In the past, a mere ‘Shall we?’ as we climbed the stairs at night, was enough to spark his interest and get him in the mood. But more recently, he’d rejected me, even if I had snuggled up to him in bed.

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The mother of four admits that she is now a totally different version of the women her husbandfell in love with fifteen years ago. Ursula is seen here at a svelte size eight, while on holiday in Cuba in 1997

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The pair a have been married for 12 years and together for 15. But while Ursula says Mike (pictured on thier wedding day in 2003) hasn't changed one bit since they first met, her weight has yo-yoed

On the few occasions we had made love before our sexual drought, it had always been at my instigation. I couldn’t remember a time when he had made the first move.

‘Do you not find me attractive any more?’ I boldly asked him. He squirmed and muttered half-heartedly, ‘Of course, I do,’ before swiftly returning his eyes to the screen of his phone. But I had the bit between my teeth.

I came out with the killer question: ‘Is it because I am fat?’

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Ursula (pictured with her family at her 40th birthday party) ballooned to a size 24 after having children but lost it all by training for a marathon ahead of her 40th birthday

By now, Mike was refusing to meet my eye. ‘Go on’, I nagged. ‘Admit it.’ While a huge part of me didn’t want to know the answer, the other part was desperate to hear the truth.

‘All right, yes,’ he suddenly blurted. ‘I did find you more attractive when you were slimmer. OK?’

No, I wasn’t OK. I was mortified. Heartbroken. Like most women, I have always swallowed the feminist mantra that your man should desire you no matter how you look. His desire for you should remain the same through thick and thin, quite literally when it comes to your waistline.

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The writer (pictured with with sons Jacob (right) and Max (left) and her husband) says she found it hard to exercise with four children aged under five, and put on 6 st in six years through comfort eating

But after a sleepless night of tears and soul-searching, I began to question whether this was fair or reasonable.

When I first met my husband, I was a size 8, a petite and pretty brunette whom he could sweep off her feet using just one arm. And he frequently did.

The early days of any relationship are characterised by an inability to keep your hands off one another and ours was no different.

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Left: When I first met my husband, I was a size 8, a petite and pretty brunette whom he could sweep off her feet using just one arm, says Ursula. Right: Ursula as she is now, weighing 12st at just 5ft 3in

He would constantly tell me how gorgeous I was, complimenting my beautiful — and very slim — figure. He once told me about the first time he saw me, walking into a bar with one of his friends. I was a slender young woman of 27. He would always say that from that moment, he couldn’t keep his eyes off me and knew he had to have me. He was green with envy that I was with his friend and not with him.

He went on to engineer several meetings with me. We worked in the same industry and would find ourselves at the same events. He’d always make a beeline for me and behave in a ridiculously protective manner.

Once, he rushed to find me when I had been to the bathroom during a business trip to a race track, worried that I wouldn’t be able to find my way back. His friend didn’t stand a chance. Within a couple of months, Mike and I were dating.

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After dating for four years Mike and Ursula (pictured in 2000) married in 2003, and had their first child Jacob later that same year

It might sound strange, but the disparity between our sizes — my husband is a big man, who weighs about 15 st — played a part in our relationship. He was my manly protector and I was his delicate young lady.

After four years as a couple we married in 2003. This was followed by the birth of our first son, Jacob, who was born later that year. Thus began a six-year period over which I went onto give birth to Max in 2005 and twins Jonah and Zachary in 2009. Meanwhile, I piled on the weight.

Swapping my career for the role of a stay-at-home mum didn’t suit me. I comfort ate. I found it hard to exercise with four children aged under five, and put on 6 st in six years, ballooning to a huge size 24.

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Ursula recalls how in the first years of their relationship she and Mike (pictured in 2012) couldn't keep their hands off each other

My husband stood by me throughout. He didn’t say a word about my ever-increasing waistline. Though, I doubt I’d have noticed if he had mentioned anything.

I was up to my eyes in nappies, so sex or intimacy was the last thing on my mind. When I went to bed, all I wanted to do was sleep. After confronting him last Saturday, I asked Mike how he’d felt during those years.

He said: ‘I wanted to say something about your weight, but I didn’t want to hurt you. I could see you were so busy with the children and I didn’t want to give you anything else to worry about.

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'The disparity between our sizes — my husband is a big man, who weighs about 15 st — played a part in our relationship. He was my manly protector and I was his delicate young lady,' says Ursula (pictured here in 2011)

‘Anyhow, there was hardly a moment when we didn’t have a baby or child in our bed, so I just tried to bury those feelings and get on with life. Sex just didn’t seem that important. I loved you and our babies and I am not the sort of man to embark on an affair. Of course, I missed it, but I thought if I were patient things would improve eventually.’

And — for a few happy years — his hopes were fulfilled. By the time the twins were almost two, in September 2011, I was about to turn 40.

I didn’t want this new decade to begin as the last one had been spent. I wanted to dance in a tiny, shiny dress at my birthday party, so I set out to lose all the weight I’d acquired during those years of scoffing biscuits and finishing up the children’s leftovers. I ate healthily, ran miles and managed to fit into a sparkly size 8 minidress for my party. My husband was in seventh heaven.

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'I was mortified. Heartbroken. Like most women, I have always swallowed the feminist mantra that your man should desire you no matter how you look,' confesses Ursula (pictured with Mike in January this year) 

‘You looked so beautiful at your party. Like no time had passed since I met you. All your hard work made me feel so proud,’ he said last Saturday.

He also recalled the moment he was reduced to tears in 2012 when I crossed the finishing line after running the London Marathon.

I cast my mind back to how amazing I’d felt at that moment and remembered fondly how, during this time, we’d rediscovered each other as a couple. I had become much more confident in my new body.

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Ursula (pictured in 2013) began to regain the weight she had once lost after she started to suffer from depression in 2013, and took medication for which one of the side-effects was unfortunately weight gain

I was proud of how I looked and not ashamed to show it. We’d flirt endlessly with one another, just like in the early days. Mike continued to recall those days with fondness. He took me to New York for my 40th birthday present, and couldn’t stop taking photos of me in my new figure-hugging wardrobe.

‘I was so proud you were my wife,’ he told me. ‘It was as if I’d got you back.’

We’d walked all over the city, holding hands like newlyweds. We drank ****tails, shopped till we dropped and spent hours in our hotel room enjoying our new-found passion for each other.

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'The slim Ursula is so much happier with who she is, and that is more attractive,' she confesses

This didn’t end when we came home. Where we had prioritised the children, now we’d book to go away for weekends alone. We’d revel in time spent together and, like the early days, couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

While I was happy to have lost weight, making my husband proud of me and rediscovering the passion between us was the best reward.

I worked hard to maintain my figure, but in 2013 I began to suffer from depression, caused by a host of problems, not least a falling-out with my parents.

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Mike and Ursula's (pictured in 2006) once affectionate relationship has become more like a friendship as a result of her weight gain, and Mike's changing feelings towards his wife's appearance 

I was prescribed medication to address the depression, a side-effect of which was weight gain. Over the next year, as I battled my depression, I grew fatter and fatter.

In a familiar pattern, I began to eat to combat my bleak moods. This led to me to regain five of the 6 st I had lost. By the end of last year, I weighed 12 st at just 5 ft 3 in tall.

It is hard to pinpoint at which point Mike’s desire towards me started to wane, not least because, initially, I was too ill to notice. But as the fog of depression began to clear early this year, I began to give the state of our marriage some thought.

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Despite her struggles with her weight and depression however, Ursula says she believes that husband Mike will never be unfaithful to her, and will continue to love and support her no matter what

Mike says now that he was so terrified when I became ill, he just wanted me to get better, and the last thing on his mind was whether or not I was putting on weight.

But, during our Saturday heart-to-heart, he admitted that he was upset to see his slim, pretty, happy wife being taken over by the bloated, unhappy one.

‘I suppose I began to see myself more in the role of carer than lover,’ he said.

Mike has always been a loving husband, but I had to be honest with myself that our marriage had become more like a friendship.

He was still supportive, but no longer affectionate. He’d stay up with me when I couldn’t sleep at night, but would not reach out to hold me close in the morning. If I wanted a hug, I had to reach out for him. If I wanted my hand held, it was always mine slipping into his.

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Ursula (pictured with Mike in 2011) says she has felt his rejection in the bedroom keenly however, and now wants to get back to her happier weight

I felt the rejection more keenly, because it came when I needed my confidence boosting. That is probably why we found ourselves arguing on the sofa that night.

I know that for many women being told they are too fat to fancy would be a blatant and unforgivable infringement of the rules of marriage.

Yet, while it hurt enormously to be told my husband didn’t desire me in my overweight state, I believe he was brave to tell me the truth. After all, why should I expect him to feel the same way towards a woman who has changed so much from the one he fell in love with?

I haven’t just got older, I have allowed myself to get out of shape.

I am, undeniably, an enormously bloated and virtually unrecognisable version of the woman Mike fell in love with, and it is unrealistic and unfair of me to expect him to overlook this fact, to satisfy the doctrines of the ‘sisterhood’.

Recently, I showed a friend a photo of me taken on a beach before my husband and I got together. She laughed and said it looked as if someone had Photoshopped my face onto someone else’s body.

If a friend is shocked by the difference in my figure, can I blame my husband for commenting, too?

It is well-known that men choose their partners based on looks and my husband is no exception. Is it his fault if he is not programmed to desire the bigger woman?

And his feelings aren’t only being driven by the fact I look so different.

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'Mike says I behave like a different person when I’m overweight, and he is right. I lose confidence, and am so self-critical and down on myself,' says Ursula. 'That in itself is not fanciable.'

Mike says I behave like a different person when I’m overweight, and he is right. I lose confidence, and am so self-critical and down on myself.

‘That in itself is not fanciable,’ he says. ‘The slim Ursula is so much happier with who she is, and that is more attractive.’

I can only concur. When I was slipping on a size 10 pair of skinny jeans, I felt like I was God’s gift. I felt beautiful and desirable.

Now I feel horrible about myself, my rolls of fat are off-putting even to me and I hate to be seen naked. I don’t feel sexy, so is it any surprise that the man in my life doesn’t find me sexy either?

It might seem rich that my husband, who could do with losing a few stone himself, feels able to criticise my weight, but the crucial difference is that he has never changed in all the years we have been together.

 

Sexpert Tracey Cox explains sexual attraction in marriages

 

 

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Ursula (pictured in 2004) says: 'I am determined that I will put that miserable, fat woman, who has no part in our marriage, behind us for ever'

I adore his cuddly figure and always have done. I love that he is a generous armful of man, and when I am slim, I find the contrast attractive.

I knew what I was getting with him and I am as happy with him now as I was when we first started dating in 1999. He, on the other hand, could legitimately say he was misled. He chose to marry a slim woman and ended up with a grossly overweight one.

While I am confident that he would never stray and that he loves me no matter what, I don’t want to rely on his loyalty to keep us together.

I owe it to him to tackle my weight once again to reignite his desire for me. To this end I have started running again, not because I love it — in fact most days I loathe it — but because I love him and I am determined that I will put that miserable, fat woman, who has no part in our marriage, behind us for ever.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3109906/How-feels-man-love-says-FAT-desire-Ursula-Hirschkorn-reveals-battle-weight-impact-s-marriage.html#ixzz3c5erq1tf
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