TOTALLY GEEKED!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Mothers Who Wish They Had Less Children
Post Info TOPIC: Mothers Who Wish They Had Less Children
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Mothers Who Wish They Had Less Children
Permalink  
 

The mums who admit: we wish we hadn't had so many children. Few would dare confess it, but these women say they regret having more than just two 

  • Frazzled mums share how they wish they've stopped after two children
  • Alison Cooper tells how having her sons has caused her marital problems 
  • 'If I’d stopped at two I could have devoted adequate time for my children'
  • Psychologist says it's a 'tragedy' that exhausted mums don't ask for help

By Sadie Nicholas for the Daily Mail

Published: 17:04 EST, 8 June 2015 | Updated: 01:43 EST, 9 June 2015

541

View
comments

 

Alison Cooper is frantically strapping her two-year-old son Luke into his car seat while urging his elder brother, Reece, eight, to hurry up and climb in beside him. 

It’s 7.30pm and both boys are dressed in their pyjamas for the imminent 45-minute round trip to collect their sisters Amy, 16, and Amber, 15, from their respective athletics and theatre clubs.

Once back home again, Alison still has to cook dinner for her daughters and her partner, Mark, 43, who is at work — then there are school uniforms to iron, homework to supervise and bedtime stories to read. 

Worn-out mum Alison Cooper, 40, with her children (from left) Amy, 16, Luke, 2, Reece, 8 and Amber, 15. She says while she adores all her children and doesn't regret having them, she wishes she had stopped after two
 
+13

Worn-out mum Alison Cooper, 40, with her children (from left) Amy, 16, Luke, 2, Reece, 8 and Amber, 15. She says while she adores all her children and doesn't regret having them, she wishes she had stopped after two

The 40-year-old is, unsurprisingly, worn out. For while exhaustion is a normal effect of parenthood, Alison’s is magnified by being a mother of four. And she is all too aware of that problem.

Indeed, she has a rather different opinion to that espoused last week by TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp, who implored women to have as many children as possible and said: ‘Nobody’s ever lain on their death bed and said: “I wish I’d had fewer children.” ’

Because, taboo though such sentiments are, Alison does wish just that. ‘I absolutely adore all four of my children and don’t regret having any of them per se, but in hindsight I wish I’d stopped at two,’ says the dental receptionist from Dartford, Kent, whose two daughters are from her previous marriage.

‘I was perfectly content with two children. Having another two with Mark has almost ended our ten-year relationship on several occasions and remains the main cause of tension between us.’

Doubling the size of her brood meant Alison had to give up a career as a PA in London, and move the family from their three-bedroom home to a roomier four-bedroom detached house that cost £90,000 more.

Alison had her two daughters in her previous marriage
 
+13
She said having her sons almost ended her 10-year relationship with her husband Mark and it remains the main cause of tension between the couple
 
+13
 

Alison, who had her two daughters in her previous marriage, said having her sons almost ended her 10-year relationship with her husband Mark and it remains the main cause of tension between the couple

Their saloon car was swapped for a more expensive seven-seater, and Alison’s weekly food shop now costs an eye-watering £170. Yet since expanding her family she hasn’t been able to shake the feeling that she’s somehow a substandard mother.

‘I have to spread myself so thinly between my children that none of them gets the time and attention they truly need from me, and that makes me feel horribly guilty,’ she explains.

For much as Alison clearly cherishes, loves and feels thankful for each of her children, she believes that having fewer would not just have made family life more enjoyable and affordable, it would have allowed her a career and enriched her children’s lives, too.

And while such views are considered off-limits in public, privately it seems plenty of women empathise — online parenting forums are full of mothers who feel the same, repeating the complaint more commonly heard from first-time mums: ‘Why didn’t anyone tell me it was so hard?’

Nor is it just mothers of four children and more who are voicing regrets — many modern mums complain that having even three was a mistake.

Not having her sons. says Alison, might have enabled her to carry on her career and made family life more enjoyable. The family fork out £170 a week on food bills and run a seven-seater car instead of a saloon 
 
+13

Not having her sons. says Alison, might have enabled her to carry on her career and made family life more enjoyable. The family fork out £170 a week on food bills and run a seven-seater car instead of a saloon 

Perhaps it is a realisation of the ramifications of large families that lies behind the shrinking size of British families. A generation ago, women had an average of 2.42 children compared with an average of 1.92 today.

Now half of the 18.6 million families in the UK have just one child — predicted to be the majority family size by the end of the decade — compared to almost 1.2 million who have three or more.

Jessica Chivers, a psychologist and author of Mothers Work, says she comes across countless women like Alison who wish they’d stopped at fewer children.

‘The tragedy is that they don’t feel able to admit how they feel or to ask for help, even though there should be absolutely no shame in it,’ says Jessica. ‘Motherhood is gruelling enough as it is, and these women certainly aren’t saying they regret their children, they just wish they’d done things differently.

‘Many women find having a couple of children manageable, if tiring, so they assume that adding a third, fourth or further child to their family won’t be much more work.

‘In fact, it alters the dynamic of everything, from their finances and their marriage to their relationship with their older child or children, and can bring with it immense feelings of failure and guilt.’

So what is the magic number when it comes to kids?

Alison said she was consumed with guilt after she had Reece, now eight years old and felt she was depriving her girls. When he was medicated for digestive problems it put an end to their usual family holidays abroad
 
+13

Alison said she was consumed with guilt after she had Reece, now eight years old and felt she was depriving her girls. When he was medicated for digestive problems it put an end to their usual family holidays abroad

For Alison, two would have been her lot had her marriage to her childhood sweetheart — the father of her daughters – not fizzled out when she was 30. But she fell in love again, aged 32, when she met Mark.

‘While he had a son, Ben, now 17, he didn’t see much of him at the time and longed for the opportunity to be a doting dad,’ she says.

‘Although he didn’t put me under any pressure to have more children, I knew that it would make him happy and, in the end, I was lax about contraception so didn’t have to make a decision either way,’ Alison admits.

‘But having Reece brought dramatic changes to family life which I didn’t foresee. I could no longer devote as much time to Amy and Amber and was consumed with guilt.

‘Ordinarily, during school holidays we’d meet their friends and mums for trips to the cinema, but I couldn’t do that with Reece in tow.

‘And for the first 18 months Reece was medicated for digestive problems which meant we didn’t have our usual family holidays abroad. I felt I was depriving the girls and putting Reece’s needs above theirs.’

Alison then had a fourth child.

‘Luke was an accident and a huge shock, but there is no way we could have considered a termination,’ says Alison. ‘But having four kids is the main cause of rows between Mark and me. When I spend fun time with my daughters, shopping or having lunch, he feels resentful that he’s left to deal with our boisterous sons.

‘In arguments, he will insinuate that I care more about the girls than the boys, which just isn’t true. They are teenage girls and they need a different sort of quality time with me.

 
+13
Alison said she loves all her children (pictured) dearly but it has caused marital problems between her and her husband
 
+13
 

Alison said: 'If I'd have stopped two I could have devoted adequate time to them and had a life and career'

‘It doesn’t help that as well as working two days a week I also go in every Saturday so we can afford the £85 a week for Luke’s nursery place. That means we only get Sundays together as a family.

‘My parents, a retired teacher and a bank worker, collect Reece from school when I’m at work because I can’t afford to put him in after-school club. I love all of my children dearly, but if I’d stopped at two I could have devoted adequate time to them and had a life and career of my own.’

Fellow fraught mother Katie Bott, 37, dotes on all three of her children but feels similarly that in hindsight just two would have been ideal.

Katie always dreamed of having four children, having met her husband Tom, 38, an IT manager for a law firm, when they were both just 18.

She wanted two close together, a gap in which to resume her career, then two more.

‘I’m one of three kids and Tom’s one of five so he was especially keen on a large brood,’ says Katie, an operations manager for a charity. She lives in Herefordshire with children Douglas, ten, Liliana (known as Lily), six, and Isabel, four.

Katie Bott, pictured left with her son Douglas, 10, Liliana, six, and Isabel, four, said she dreamed of having four children
 
+13
But after she had her youngest Isabel, she said she realised as a mother she was geared up for two kids. 'I only have two hands, after all', she said
 
+13
 

Katie Bott, pictured left with her son Douglas, 10, Liliana, six, and Isabel, four, said she dreamed of having four children - but realised as a mother she was geared up for two kids. 'I only have two hands, after all', she said

‘I had two miscarriages before we conceived our second child, Lily, and when I finally held her I felt that, with a boy and a girl, we had our perfect family. There was also a realisation that as a mother I was geared up for two kids. I only have two hands, after all.

‘Occasionally I’d gaze at Lily sleeping and think that maybe I did want one more child. But when I discovered I was pregnant again I cried and wondered how I’d cope with three, especially as we’d just bought a new home as a major renovation project.’

Katie now shops at Lidl to keep the monthly food bill down to around £600, and earns £2,000 a month less than on her old salary because she can work only part time. Holidays to the Greek islands have been replaced by UK breaks and visits to family in France.

‘People told me that three kids would be easy, but I find it impossible to give each the attention they need,’ she explains.

‘There is always someone left out, usually Douglas because he’s older. Lily is a typical middle child and craves attention, while Isabel is very needy and still doesn’t sleep in her own bed.

‘People told me that three kids would be easy, but I find it impossible to give each the attention they need,’ she said. Since having a third child Katie now shops in Lidl to keep the monthly food bill down to around £600
 
+13

‘People told me that three kids would be easy, but I find it impossible to give each the attention they need,’ she said. Since having a third child Katie now shops in Lidl to keep the monthly food bill down to around £600

Juggling the demands of three young children takes its toll on family life, said Katie
 
+13
‘There is always someone left out, usually Douglas because he’s older. Lily craves attention, while Isabel is very needy'
 
+13
 

Juggling the demands of three young children takes its toll on family life, said Katie. ‘There is always someone left out, usually Douglas because he’s older. Lily craves attention, while Isabel is very needy'

‘Tom is out of the house for 12 hours a day, so the childcare and chores are down to me.

‘I adore all three children and juggle hard to ensure I can do the school run every day and spend as much time with them as possible. But there is no time to take Isabel to groups like I did with my older children so I feel she misses out.

‘Tom would still have another one, but for me that’s it now, no more children. No chance.’

Nearly three months after having her third son, Hazel Tan, 39, is also questioning the wisdom of extending her family.

‘Just when I was ready to use my brain again and resume my career in restaurant and event marketing, I discovered I was pregnant,’ says Hazel, who lives in Maidenhead, Berkshire, with husband Marc, 44, an account manager for a software company, and their children James, six, Hugo, two, and Matthew, 11 weeks.

Katie has now ruled out having a fourth child, despite her husband Tom wanting them to try again
 
+13

Katie has now ruled out having a fourth child, despite her husband Tom wanting them to try again

‘We thought our family was complete so it floored us both. My career is on hold again and I’m back to endless breastfeeding.

‘Meanwhile, the demands of my other sons are changing. James is getting increasing amounts of homework which he needs my help with, and Hugo is back to soiling his nappies, having been fully potty-trained before Matthew arrived.

‘I am besotted with all of them and realise I am moaning about “First World problems”, particularly when so many couples face infertility. But I have no clue how I will ever be able to give them all the attention they need.’

Hazel met Marc at a dinner party in 2000 and when they married in 2004 they both wanted a family.

‘We were elated when we had James and adamant we’d have a sibling for him. But we wanted to enjoy him first so had a deliberate four-year break before Hugo.

‘With James, parenting was an exciting project and I devoured books and internet sites on the subject. When Hugo was born James was starting school, so I could divide my time between them more easily.

‘But now I’ve got two little ones at home it’s tough. I briefly considered putting Hugo in nursery five mornings a week, but I don’t want him to feel pushed out.

‘He and James are fighting more because they have less of my attention, and I’m beating myself up and wondering how I can ever split myself three ways, four if you include Marc.

‘Last Saturday Marc looked after Matthew and Hugo for an hour while I took James to buy some Lego, and it was a reminder how important that uninterrupted one-to-one time is with a child.

‘It also compounded my guilt about how I’m not meeting my boys’ needs.’

Jessica Chivers says the answer may lie in mothers looking at their own needs as much as their children’s.

‘Feeling overwhelmed by the demands of a bigger family can often be eased by taking some time out for yourself,’ she says.

‘I’m not talking about fancy spa days, just five minutes’ peace to eat breakfast without thinking about your children, as a regular occurrence.’

For Hazel, the idea of finding those few minutes to herself feels impossible. ‘Going from two kids to three has been an exponential shock, more so than becoming first-time parents,’ she says.

‘By the time Matthew goes to school I’ll be 45 and I can’t see how I’ll ever resume a corporate career again then.

‘But mostly I feel weighed down with guilt that I have three gorgeous little boys all vying for my attention, and I can’t give them all the time and support they need to develop.

‘Despite loving them all dearly, I fear that three children may simply have been one too many.



Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3116121/The-mums-admit-wish-hadn-t-children-dare-confess-women-say-regret-having-just-two.html#ixzz3cYogkYCN
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

What the heck is the POINT of this? Are there some things that should just not be said? Yeah, you may FEEL that. But so what? If they didn't have those children that is no guarantee their life would have been any better. Sheesh.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
karl271


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1973
Date:
Permalink  
 

Whatever happened to "Cheaper by the Dozen"?

Has not been too many years ago that 4, 5, 6 kids were the norm. Although I realize that women did not have to hold down a full time job outside of the home then, either....

__________________

Just take it easy and think it over.
chillepeppa


Regular

Status: Offline
Posts: 340
Date:
Permalink  
 

I have one and there are days I feel like this. Not too many, about once or twice a year, but still.

Makes one wonder how those with their 10+ strong does it.

__________________

Jinkies!!
flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

Status: Offline
Posts: 28124
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

What the heck is the POINT of this? Are there some things that should just not be said? Yeah, you may FEEL that. But so what? If they didn't have those children that is no guarantee their life would have been any better. Sheesh.

 I can't imagine how those children feel.

Which two did Mum want? And why all the happy photos?

flan



__________________

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

There are some things you just shouldn't SAY. Like OK, I wanted the first two kids but not the second two? Wow.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

Exactly 



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Status: Offline
Posts: 7536
Date:
Permalink  
 

ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

 This breeds a lifetime of resentment. The older two didn't ask to be the oldest. Why should they have to parent because mom and dad had more kids? It is not their responsibility to take care of their brothers and sisters to that extent. To that extent. Once in awhile, yes. But not so often that it disrupts their daily life. 

I LOVE how these women "found themselves pregnant" and it was a "total shock". Ummmm...unless you were on birth control that failed somehow, you know how babies are made. Prevent it. And if you don't want more kids, get on a BC like the iud or the copper ovarian wire - those pretty much don't fail. 



__________________

Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

I totally agree.

Her problem isn't that she had too many children, it's that she signs them up for all these things and has to run all over town.  Limit the extra-curricular crap.  Those girls should be home helping contribute to the family unit rather than out throwing a ball around.  Sure, they should not be used as free nannies, but there other ways they can contribute.  They can help cook.  They should be given chores.  Chores before play.  You get the work done and if you have time, go outside and have fun. Play with each other.   Bond.  What's going to happen when she's gone?  Those siblings will only have each other.  If they never established a relationship growing up, they will be like strangers to each other.

I have friends with large families.  They each had jobs.  And now they are grown, and are still very close.  I never heard of any "resentment" towards each other because they were taught responsibility.



__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
Domestic Engineer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1148
Date:
Permalink  
 

Maybe dad should pitch in and help.

__________________

Life is Good!
flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

Status: Offline
Posts: 28124
Date:
Permalink  
 

Mellow Momma wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

 This breeds a lifetime of resentment. The older two didn't ask to be the oldest. Why should they have to parent because mom and dad had more kids? It is not their responsibility to take care of their brothers and sisters to that extent. To that extent. Once in awhile, yes. But not so often that it disrupts their daily life. 

I LOVE how these women "found themselves pregnant" and it was a "total shock". Ummmm...unless you were on birth control that failed somehow, you know how babies are made. Prevent it. And if you don't want more kids, get on a BC like the iud or the copper ovarian wire - those pretty much don't fail. 

 Exactly! Yet somehow Mum is the "victim."

flan



__________________

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

Domestic Engineer wrote:

Maybe dad should pitch in and help.

 Maybe he should.  Or maybe he's helping by supporting his family financially.  

I say whoever signed these kids up for all these "activities" should be the one running around.  

This mother has only herself to blame.  Not for procreating, but for over-extending herself.



__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Status: Offline
Posts: 7536
Date:
Permalink  
 

FNW wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

I totally agree.

Her problem isn't that she had too many children, it's that she signs them up for all these things and has to run all over town.  Limit the extra-curricular crap.  Those girls should be home helping contribute to the family unit rather than out throwing a ball around.  Sure, they should not be used as free nannies, but there other ways they can contribute.  They can help cook.  They should be given chores.  Chores before play.  You get the work done and if you have time, go outside and have fun. Play with each other.   Bond.  What's going to happen when she's gone?  Those siblings will only have each other.  If they never established a relationship growing up, they will be like strangers to each other.

I have friends with large families.  They each had jobs.  And now they are grown, and are still very close.  I never heard of any "resentment" towards each other because they were taught responsibility.

 I know a family of 10 kids and when a new child was born, an older child was "assigned" to look after the new one. The older child had to be responsible for the younger one getting to bed, for their school uniforms, and for their homework. Yes it bred a TON of resentment. A ton. 

Sure, all children should have chores around the house. We don't know that the kids in the OP don't have any chores. They very well could. They should not be responsible for the majority of the household work. Their parents chose to have the kids, they didn't. And frankly, if I told my kids they had to miss their extra curricular activities so I could nap as suggested by Ed, there would be a war. That isn't fair. And life isn't fair, but there is no reason to make it worse. 



__________________

Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Status: Offline
Posts: 7536
Date:
Permalink  
 

FNW wrote:
Domestic Engineer wrote:

Maybe dad should pitch in and help.

 Maybe he should.  Or maybe he's helping by supporting his family financially.  

I say whoever signed these kids up for all these "activities" should be the one running around.  

This mother has only herself to blame.  Not for procreating, but for over-extending herself.

 You don't think she is at least a tad bit culpable for "finding herself pregnant ?!" I mean how does that even happen?! Don't want more kids...prevent it!!!!!!  Especially if you are already over extended. 



__________________

Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
Tinydancer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 6573
Date:
Permalink  
 

I am the oldest of a family with 7 kids. I helped take care of them all since the day they were born. I have no resentment towards them or my mom. Growing up it's just the way it was. What a spoiled generation we have now that they can't be expected to help with their siblings. Sorry if it cause resentment for you but most of my friends also helped with their siblings.



-- Edited by Tinydancer on Tuesday 9th of June 2015 09:54:29 AM

__________________

“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.”
― Julia Child ―


 

 

 
Lindley


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

Per the first story, Her partner resented watching his own sons while she had a break taking her two daughters shopping and to lunch. He was the one wanting to be a doting father! Sounds like her partner isn't much help. Also which child would you wish wasn't born? some feelings you do not need to proclaim to the world.

__________________
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
Domestic Engineer wrote:

Maybe dad should pitch in and help.

 Maybe he should.  Or maybe he's helping by supporting his family financially.  

I say whoever signed these kids up for all these "activities" should be the one running around.  

This mother has only herself to blame.  Not for procreating, but for over-extending herself.

 You don't think she is at least a tad bit culpable for "finding herself pregnant ?!" I mean how does that even happen?! Don't want more kids...prevent it!!!!!!  Especially if you are already over extended. 

 Not saying she wasn't responsible for having more children, but she should not blame having a lot of children on her situation.  She created the craziness by making her schedule crazy.



__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

I totally agree.

Her problem isn't that she had too many children, it's that she signs them up for all these things and has to run all over town.  Limit the extra-curricular crap.  Those girls should be home helping contribute to the family unit rather than out throwing a ball around.  Sure, they should not be used as free nannies, but there other ways they can contribute.  They can help cook.  They should be given chores.  Chores before play.  You get the work done and if you have time, go outside and have fun. Play with each other.   Bond.  What's going to happen when she's gone?  Those siblings will only have each other.  If they never established a relationship growing up, they will be like strangers to each other.

I have friends with large families.  They each had jobs.  And now they are grown, and are still very close.  I never heard of any "resentment" towards each other because they were taught responsibility.

 I know a family of 10 kids and when a new child was born, an older child was "assigned" to look after the new one. The older child had to be responsible for the younger one getting to bed, for their school uniforms, and for their homework. Yes it bred a TON of resentment. A ton. 

Sure, all children should have chores around the house. We don't know that the kids in the OP don't have any chores. They very well could. They should not be responsible for the majority of the household work. Their parents chose to have the kids, they didn't. And frankly, if I told my kids they had to miss their extra curricular activities so I could nap as suggested by Ed, there would be a war. That isn't fair. And life isn't fair, but there is no reason to make it worse. 

I don't get the whole need to nap thing.  Or thinking the mother is entitled to a nap.  Get sleep at night when the kids are asleep.  I couldn't nap if I were home with little ones alone.  I was tired, but I could not sleep, for fear I would not wake up when I was needed.  (I'm a heavy sleeper).    Also, she sure likes to bring up sacrificing her career a lot.  Sounds like she resents having children because she can't have a career.

Sorry, this woman sounds selfish.  And who goes around saying they wish they didn't have a child or two or three.  Even if she felt this way, you keep it to yourself.  Those children will have resentment, but not because they were expected to care for a younger sibling.

I suspect she signed these kids up for activities to get them out of the house so she can nap.  And now she's upset because she can't nap because she has to drive them to their activities.  Nope, don't feel sorry for her.

 



__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Status: Offline
Posts: 7536
Date:
Permalink  
 

I do not feel sorry for her either. I just don't think her children should have to give up their activites because she made bad choices. If they are scheduled every night, yes. But if they have one or two activites they truly enjoy, they shouldn't hace to give them up because Mom decided to have more kids than she could handle with a man who didnt want to truly help her out.

__________________

Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
chillepeppa


Regular

Status: Offline
Posts: 340
Date:
Permalink  
 

FNW wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

I totally agree.

Her problem isn't that she had too many children, it's that she signs them up for all these things and has to run all over town.  Limit the extra-curricular crap.  Those girls should be home helping contribute to the family unit rather than out throwing a ball around.  Sure, they should not be used as free nannies, but there other ways they can contribute.  They can help cook.  They should be given chores.  Chores before play.  You get the work done and if you have time, go outside and have fun. Play with each other.   Bond.  What's going to happen when she's gone?  Those siblings will only have each other.  If they never established a relationship growing up, they will be like strangers to each other.

I have friends with large families.  They each had jobs.  And now they are grown, and are still very close.  I never heard of any "resentment" towards each other because they were taught responsibility.

 I know a family of 10 kids and when a new child was born, an older child was "assigned" to look after the new one. The older child had to be responsible for the younger one getting to bed, for their school uniforms, and for their homework. Yes it bred a TON of resentment. A ton. 

Sure, all children should have chores around the house. We don't know that the kids in the OP don't have any chores. They very well could. They should not be responsible for the majority of the household work. Their parents chose to have the kids, they didn't. And frankly, if I told my kids they had to miss their extra curricular activities so I could nap as suggested by Ed, there would be a war. That isn't fair. And life isn't fair, but there is no reason to make it worse. 

I don't get the whole need to nap thing.  Or thinking the mother is entitled to a nap.  Get sleep at night when the kids are asleep.  I couldn't nap if I were home with little ones alone.  I was tired, but I could not sleep, for fear I would not wake up when I was needed.  (I'm a heavy sleeper).    Also, she sure likes to bring up sacrificing her career a lot.  Sounds like she resents having children because she can't have a career.

Sorry, this woman sounds selfish.  And who goes around saying they wish they didn't have a child or two or three.  Even if she felt this way, you keep it to yourself.  Those children will have resentment, but not because they were expected to care for a younger sibling.

I suspect she signed these kids up for activities to get them out of the house so she can nap.  And now she's upset because she can't nap because she has to drive them to their activities.  Nope, don't feel sorry for her.

 

I did up thread...



__________________

Jinkies!!
Tinydancer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 6573
Date:
Permalink  
 

chillepeppa wrote:
FNW wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

I totally agree.

Her problem isn't that she had too many children, it's that she signs them up for all these things and has to run all over town.  Limit the extra-curricular crap.  Those girls should be home helping contribute to the family unit rather than out throwing a ball around.  Sure, they should not be used as free nannies, but there other ways they can contribute.  They can help cook.  They should be given chores.  Chores before play.  You get the work done and if you have time, go outside and have fun. Play with each other.   Bond.  What's going to happen when she's gone?  Those siblings will only have each other.  If they never established a relationship growing up, they will be like strangers to each other.

I have friends with large families.  They each had jobs.  And now they are grown, and are still very close.  I never heard of any "resentment" towards each other because they were taught responsibility.

 I know a family of 10 kids and when a new child was born, an older child was "assigned" to look after the new one. The older child had to be responsible for the younger one getting to bed, for their school uniforms, and for their homework. Yes it bred a TON of resentment. A ton. 

Sure, all children should have chores around the house. We don't know that the kids in the OP don't have any chores. They very well could. They should not be responsible for the majority of the household work. Their parents chose to have the kids, they didn't. And frankly, if I told my kids they had to miss their extra curricular activities so I could nap as suggested by Ed, there would be a war. That isn't fair. And life isn't fair, but there is no reason to make it worse. 

I don't get the whole need to nap thing.  Or thinking the mother is entitled to a nap.  Get sleep at night when the kids are asleep.  I couldn't nap if I were home with little ones alone.  I was tired, but I could not sleep, for fear I would not wake up when I was needed.  (I'm a heavy sleeper).    Also, she sure likes to bring up sacrificing her career a lot.  Sounds like she resents having children because she can't have a career.

Sorry, this woman sounds selfish.  And who goes around saying they wish they didn't have a child or two or three.  Even if she felt this way, you keep it to yourself.  Those children will have resentment, but not because they were expected to care for a younger sibling.

I suspect she signed these kids up for activities to get them out of the house so she can nap.  And now she's upset because she can't nap because she has to drive them to their activities.  Nope, don't feel sorry for her.

 

I did up thread...

 I think it's fine to think this on occasion and even talk about it with friends but it's a very bad idea to write an article and have it out there for your kids to see.



__________________

“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.”
― Julia Child ―


 

 

 
burns07


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1586
Date:
Permalink  
 


she's definitely a piece of work


__________________

" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke

 
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

Tinydancer wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
FNW wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
ed11563 wrote:

The problem I see is that she's let her kids get over-committed.

The first thing the article talks about is her getting her little ones into pajamas and into the car, to pick up the older ones at extra-curricular activities.

NO !!! The girls should be home and HELPING. They're certainly old enough to be cooking dinner and watching their little half-brothers while Mom gets a nap in the late afternoon.

 

The families I've known with a lot of kids, had their oldest caring for the little ones most of the time. A 10 year old child can baby-sit, and even change diapers when needed.

A 12 year old can cook macaroni and cheese for dinner, and microwave veggies.

 

 

I totally agree.

Her problem isn't that she had too many children, it's that she signs them up for all these things and has to run all over town.  Limit the extra-curricular crap.  Those girls should be home helping contribute to the family unit rather than out throwing a ball around.  Sure, they should not be used as free nannies, but there other ways they can contribute.  They can help cook.  They should be given chores.  Chores before play.  You get the work done and if you have time, go outside and have fun. Play with each other.   Bond.  What's going to happen when she's gone?  Those siblings will only have each other.  If they never established a relationship growing up, they will be like strangers to each other.

I have friends with large families.  They each had jobs.  And now they are grown, and are still very close.  I never heard of any "resentment" towards each other because they were taught responsibility.

 I know a family of 10 kids and when a new child was born, an older child was "assigned" to look after the new one. The older child had to be responsible for the younger one getting to bed, for their school uniforms, and for their homework. Yes it bred a TON of resentment. A ton. 

Sure, all children should have chores around the house. We don't know that the kids in the OP don't have any chores. They very well could. They should not be responsible for the majority of the household work. Their parents chose to have the kids, they didn't. And frankly, if I told my kids they had to miss their extra curricular activities so I could nap as suggested by Ed, there would be a war. That isn't fair. And life isn't fair, but there is no reason to make it worse. 

I don't get the whole need to nap thing.  Or thinking the mother is entitled to a nap.  Get sleep at night when the kids are asleep.  I couldn't nap if I were home with little ones alone.  I was tired, but I could not sleep, for fear I would not wake up when I was needed.  (I'm a heavy sleeper).    Also, she sure likes to bring up sacrificing her career a lot.  Sounds like she resents having children because she can't have a career.

Sorry, this woman sounds selfish.  And who goes around saying they wish they didn't have a child or two or three.  Even if she felt this way, you keep it to yourself.  Those children will have resentment, but not because they were expected to care for a younger sibling.

I suspect she signed these kids up for activities to get them out of the house so she can nap.  And now she's upset because she can't nap because she has to drive them to their activities.  Nope, don't feel sorry for her.

 

I did up thread...

 I think it's fine to think this on occasion and even talk about it with friends but it's a very bad idea to write an article and have it out there for your kids to see.

 Exactly.    

 



__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

I'm confused. She wished she had stopped at 2, but had a third and didn't realize it then so had a 4th?



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Status: Offline
Posts: 7536
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lawyerlady wrote:

I'm confused. She wished she had stopped at 2, but had a third and didn't realize it then so had a 4th?

 She "found herself pregnant" with the 4th. Because how babies are made is a total shock to her. 



__________________

Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

Mellow Momma wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

I'm confused. She wished she had stopped at 2, but had a third and didn't realize it then so had a 4th?

 She "found herself pregnant" with the 4th. Because how babies are made is a total shock to her. 

Yeah, I wish someone would explain that to me too. 

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
Tignanello


My dog name is, Sasha!

Status: Offline
Posts: 5883
Date:
Permalink  
 

She said that she was 'lax with birth control so I didn't have to make a decision either way'. Which really means, 'yes', because birth control is the no!

__________________

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not today, Satan.  Not today.
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

I can't fathom having a young child at my age. I don't have the energy or desire.

Aaron was a surprise. I was 28 and on BC. Took it regularly. Like clock work.

I can see both sides of this. You love them but realize the empact of having a child that late in life.



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Doh!!!

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

I mean, really. After the first one, you kind of figure out where babies come from. Sheesh!

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

I can't fathom having a young child at my age. I don't have the energy or desire.

Aaron was a surprise. I was 28 and on BC. Took it regularly. Like clock work.

I can see both sides of this. You love them but realize the empact of having a child that late in life.

To quote my sister who had her daughter at age 38:  "No 40 yr old should have a 2 yr old running around the house"!  LOL! 



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I can't fathom having a young child at my age. I don't have the energy or desire.

Aaron was a surprise. I was 28 and on BC. Took it regularly. Like clock work.

I can see both sides of this. You love them but realize the empact of having a child that late in life.

To quote my sister who had her daughter at age 38:  "No 40 yr old should have a 2 yr old running around the house"!  LOL! 

 Try an infant at 40.  Fun.



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

In our case, my husband likes to joke that even abstinence didn't work for us.

__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Ohfour


Hooker

Status: Offline
Posts: 12666
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lawyerlady wrote:

In our case, my husband likes to joke that even abstinence didn't work for us.

LOL!!!!  True...true... 



__________________

America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
I know what to do_sometimes


Frozen Sucks!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24384
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I can't fathom having a young child at my age. I don't have the energy or desire.

Aaron was a surprise. I was 28 and on BC. Took it regularly. Like clock work.

I can see both sides of this. You love them but realize the empact of having a child that late in life.

To quote my sister who had her daughter at age 38:  "No 40 yr old should have a 2 yr old running around the house"!  LOL! 

 Try an infant at 40.  Fun.

 Ahem...



__________________

Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.

Frozen is the bestest movie ever, NOT!
I know what to do_sometimes


Frozen Sucks!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24384
Date:
Permalink  
 

I've spent the past 30+ years tired as heck, working and raising kids, yeah only two. But still. There were times I hated it and wanted it to be over. Most times I count my blessings.

__________________

Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.

Frozen is the bestest movie ever, NOT!
sweet tooth


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 218
Date:
Permalink  
 

Two is definitely my limit. Luckily I know myself well enough to know my limits, so after my second one was born, I ensured that I could never get pregnant again. And I'm so glad I did, because in the 20 years since, I've often had trouble just splitting myself between the kids and work. I can't imagine trying to meet the needs of yet another person.

__________________
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Honestly, had the circumstances been right, I'd probably had 3 more at least.

But I knew when I got pregnant with Aaron I knew I was done. That he would be the last. I felt done.



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Whenitrains


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 198
Date:
Permalink  
 

I get so tired of hearing how women "find themselves pregnant"

Even if I felt that way, there is no way I would have it printed in the media with my name and picture. Why don't they think of how the children will feel knowing that they weren't wanted and how they are creating problems for mom and dad. And the man who gets upset because he has to parent his two boys? I guess he should have told her that he was just looking for someone to have and raise his kids, he would be there for the fun stuff.

__________________
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I can't fathom having a young child at my age. I don't have the energy or desire.

Aaron was a surprise. I was 28 and on BC. Took it regularly. Like clock work.

I can see both sides of this. You love them but realize the empact of having a child that late in life.

To quote my sister who had her daughter at age 38:  "No 40 yr old should have a 2 yr old running around the house"!  LOL! 

 Try an infant at 40.  Fun.

 Ahem...

  Ahem.....try having children at 44.  

Actually, having children keeps me young and allows me to re-live my youth.  And I can afford to provide nicely for them, something I could not have done in my 20's.   And I was able to run wild, build a career, and travel for 44 years.  So for me, having them late in life is not something I have ever regretted.



__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

I have the utmost respect for you and mothers like you.

It's just me personally.

I couldn't imagine doing it now.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thanks. I really was no way ready when I was young. It was a big fear I had, getting pregnant.

__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Well. I don't think I was terribly young.

I had kids at 24, 27 and 28.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

No, not too. But at 28 I was married to my ex and there was no way I was going to procreate with him, in law school, and starting to come in my own.

__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Yeah I hear you.

Aaron was a surprise. I was using bc and being obsessive with it. But I swear I knew it the night I got pregnant.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

Yeah I hear you.

Aaron was a surprise. I was using bc and being obsessive with it. But I swear I knew it the night I got pregnant.

You probably got a package of counterfeit BC pills. There's been an ongoing problem of counterfeiters copying brand name drugs, including packages, labels and sometimes lot numbers. 

They sell them to unsuspecting (or crooked) drugstores at enough of a "discount" to make greedy store owners bite.

Then people get fake antibiotics, fake oncolytics, and fake BC pills.



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

No. BC pills are not always 100%. Aaron was meant to be.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24026
Date:
Permalink  
 

I've really been thinking about this and this really chaps my ass and has for years. There are parents who want their kids involved in EVERYTHING. They want them super involved. I get that. But if that's what YOU choose then don't gripe, bitch, and whine about being over extended. Everyone with half a brain knows that when you sign your kids up for extracurricular activities there's going to be a huge time commitment. So if you can't commit then don't!

__________________


“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
― Maya Angelou
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

Piss poor time management. One daughter is 16. Why doesn't she have her license and taking herself and her sister to various activities?

__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
1 2 3 4  >  Last»  | Page of 4  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Mothers Who Wish They Had Less Children


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard