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ed11563


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Bereaved woman clashes with friend
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Bereaved woman clashes with friend

June 12, 2015 by AMY DICKINSON / askamy@tribune.com

DEAR AMY: My daughter died three years ago at age 35 of pancreatic cancer. Three weeks before her death, my husband and I treated a male friend to dinner at our country club. He proceeded to tell us that, "I'm not sure you know that other people don't live like this" and elaborated that we are pretentious. I had been sleeping at the hospital with my daughter for three months, so his comment and his timing sent me reeling. After the dinner he called me and apologized for something else that he said and I tried to explain that this was not what bothered me. I got the sense that he didn't listen to what I said. After my daughter died, I tried for two years to socialize with him and get past my fury. Finally, I realized that I needed to end the friendship. The problem is that he and his wife did countless thoughtful acts during the time of my daughter's illness. I proposed to his wife that we remain friends but she declined. I ruminate over this, daily. Hearing stories of forgiveness makes me feel guilty. Yet, I have no desire to spend time with this man. Help!

Ruminating

 

DEAR RUMINATING: The path toward forgiveness is to accept and acknowledge the good in people, and then to make a deliberate choice to let the rest go. Picture the slights and slings and arrows bundled together, tethered to a balloon, and floating away.

I think it is important in your case to acknowledge the gifts these people granted to you, and understand that at the most challenging time in your life, a very unfortunate remark was made which revealed a very unfortunate judgment of you on this man's part. It was thoughtless, rude, and delivered to you at a terrible time (and while he was accepting your hospitality). What a jerk! You will feel best if you are able to marshal your own kindness toward yourself and soften toward others. Of course you don't want to spend time with people you don't like, and if you have tried and it hasn't worked, then you should accept this and understand that life really is too short to be with people who judge you so harshly.



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lilyofcourse


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She took the comment wrong.

It's been 3 years. Either get over what he said or dont. But don't put it on anyone else. It's her problem. Not his.

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lilyofcourse wrote:

She took the comment wrong.

It's been 3 years. Either get over what he said or dont. But don't put it on anyone else. It's her problem. Not his.

 I disagree.  Telling parents that they are pretentious because they treated a close friend to a nice dinner out while they were struggling with their daughter's illness is horrible.  That "friend" has an agenda.  The type of person who blames people for their woes on their successes.  People like that are toxic.



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Lindley


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

She took the comment wrong.

It's been 3 years. Either get over what he said or dont. But don't put it on anyone else. It's her problem. Not his.

 I disagree.  Telling parents that they are pretentious because they treated a close friend to a nice dinner out while they were struggling with their daughter's illness is horrible.  That "friend" has an agenda.  The type of person who blames people for their woes on their successes.  People like that are toxic.

  I agree a totally  inappropriate  comment not only during a hard time she was going through  but anytime  especially  when they are enjoying the nice dinner as well.



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lilyofcourse


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Take the daughter out of the equation.

Another time and this would just be a couple friends talking about how the other half live.

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Lindley wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

She took the comment wrong.

It's been 3 years. Either get over what he said or dont. But don't put it on anyone else. It's her problem. Not his.

 I disagree.  Telling parents that they are pretentious because they treated a close friend to a nice dinner out while they were struggling with their daughter's illness is horrible.  That "friend" has an agenda.  The type of person who blames people for their woes on their successes.  People like that are toxic.

  I agree a totally  inappropriate  comment not only during a hard time she was going through  but anytime  especially  when they are enjoying the nice dinner as well.

 I agree as well.  I'm not sure their is a right way to take someone telling you that you are pretentious.  But especially not in those circumstances. 

 

And no, even taking the daughter out of the equation, it's not nice to call your host pretentious.



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karl271


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Why does she feel the need to continue to socialize with him? Just drop the "friend". Some comments cannot be undone with a simple "I'm sorry."

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Wow, they're treating him to dinner and he tells her she's pretentious? I'd say, "Let me show you how pretentious I am not. Good bye."

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Vette


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

Wow, they're treating him to dinner and he tells her she's pretentious? I'd say, "Let me show you how pretentious I am not. Good bye."

 Thumbs up



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huskerbb


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She is associating that comment with her daughters death when it had absolutely nothing to do with that.

That said, I would have told that guy at the time that I don't give a rip how other people live. Not my fvcking problem.

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