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ed11563


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DEAR ABBY: It's Father's Day.
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DEAR ABBY: It's Father's Day. Maybe now is the time for people to forgive, forget and remember how wonderful their dad was when they were growing up.

I am dating a man whose two grown children live out of state. He and his wife divorced when the kids were young, and he tried hard to keep a good relationship with them. But even with the best intentions, there are sometimes obstacles that get in the way.

He loved being a father and tells me stories about singing songs to his kids at bedtime and getting down on the floor to play with them. I can see how much he loves them and how painful it is for him to not have them in his life. He has no idea why they are distant. I suggested he ask them directly what happened. He said he has tried, with no response.

I'm not saying he's a perfect man, but he is kind, generous and loving. He has many more good qualities than bad. He hasn't heard much from his children for several years, and I think the best gift he could receive this Father's Day would be a simple phone call. No card or necktie would mean as much. Life is short and precious. Holding on to negativity or the past is so much more work than letting it go and forgiving, and it's good for the soul. -- WISE LADY FROM THE MIDWEST

DEAR WISE LADY: If your boyfriend was present in his children's lives in spite of the divorce while they were growing up, it's possible they may be so involved in their own lives that they have "forgotten" their dad might appreciate hearing from them. Feeling as you do, continue to encourage him to reach out to his kids.

 



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Divine Geek


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You don't forget about your dad. He should try to reach out, but it sounds like he may have a rose-colored view of how great of a father he was.

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NAOW


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I agree DG. This post reminded me of my mom's last boyfriend. Who was very kind and has two daughters out of state- his version of things made us all feel so badly for him and angry at his kids and ex wife. While I am sure he loves his kids a lot, after we got to know him, it is clear that he has a lot of issues that have contributed to them being 'distant.'

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lilyofcourse


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This gf doesn't get to tell the kids how they should feel.

If he was so wonderful, why is this the reality?



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FNW


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She needs to stay out of it. There's a reason there is little contact. And it's not forgetfulness.



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Vette


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My dad thinks he has done nothing wrong to contribute to his kids lack of relationships with him. He will tell anyone who will listen all about how he is such a victim and we are all ungrateful.

So there are always two sides to every story, I would be interested to hear the kids side in this one.

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flan327


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VetteGirl wrote:

My dad thinks he has done nothing wrong to contribute to his kids lack of relationships with him. He will tell anyone who will listen all about how he is such a victim and we are all ungrateful.

So there are always two sides to every story, I would be interested to hear the kids side in this one.

 I thought of you when I read this letter!

flan



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FNW


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VetteGirl wrote:

My dad thinks he has done nothing wrong to contribute to his kids lack of relationships with him. He will tell anyone who will listen all about how he is such a victim and we are all ungrateful.

So there are always two sides to every story, I would be interested to hear the kids side in this one.

 I'm sure my FIL does this as well, vette.  



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Lawyerlady


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Dad is likely in denial over why. Did he cheat on their mom, or did he otherwise choose the divorce? Did he always pay his child support? Did he cancel weekends with them to be with his girlfriend? Kids DO understand these things and get resentful over it.

Parents often have the attitude that divorce is best for them, and don't understand it when kids don't agree.

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Mellow Momma


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FNW wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:

My dad thinks he has done nothing wrong to contribute to his kids lack of relationships with him. He will tell anyone who will listen all about how he is such a victim and we are all ungrateful.

So there are always two sides to every story, I would be interested to hear the kids side in this one.

 I'm sure my FIL does this as well, vette.  

 Add my in laws to that list too. Her step kids think we are all a bunch of idiots. I could not care less. And my new step MiL thinks my FIL walks on water. I am not going to burst her bubble. That's not my place.



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burns07


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well, was raised to believe family mattered more than anything else in this life--my father wasn't perfect but he was the finest man I've ever known--we each made mistakes along the way that distressed / angered one another but we never let that come between our friendship and respect--we saw / spoke with each other regularly even when it was difficult--he told us that it was especially important to communicate with each other when things were difficult--anyone could do it in good times--but how else would you be in the habit when it really mattered ?--have never forgotten that and did my best to live up to it--miss him terribly--his calm, wise, loving counsel sustained me through some very difficult straits in this life--now have only his memory and his instructions but they serve me still

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Mellow Momma


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burns07 wrote:


well, was raised to believe family mattered more than anything else in this life--my father wasn't perfect but he was the finest man I've ever known--we each made mistakes along the way that distressed / angered one another but we never let that come between our friendship and respect--we saw / spoke with each other regularly even when it was difficult--he told us that it was especially important to communicate with each other when things were difficult--anyone could do it in good times--but how else would you be in the habit when it really mattered ?--have never forgotten that and did my best to live up to it--miss him terribly--his calm, wise, loving counsel sustained me through some very difficult straits in this life--now have only his memory and his instructions but they serve me still

 He sounds like a wonderful man. You were lucky to have him as an example. Some men, my DH being one, had to learn from the example their father set - except it was the example of what NOT to do. You were very very lucky to have such a fine man in your life. 



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flan327


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Mellow Momma wrote:
burns07 wrote:


well, was raised to believe family mattered more than anything else in this life--my father wasn't perfect but he was the finest man I've ever known--we each made mistakes along the way that distressed / angered one another but we never let that come between our friendship and respect--we saw / spoke with each other regularly even when it was difficult--he told us that it was especially important to communicate with each other when things were difficult--anyone could do it in good times--but how else would you be in the habit when it really mattered ?--have never forgotten that and did my best to live up to it--miss him terribly--his calm, wise, loving counsel sustained me through some very difficult straits in this life--now have only his memory and his instructions but they serve me still

 He sounds like a wonderful man. You were lucky to have him as an example. Some men, my DH being one, had to learn from the example their father set - except it was the example of what NOT to do. You were very very lucky to have such a fine man in your life. 

If you have been a member of this board for any time, you know that, unfortunately, SOME parents abuse their children.

flan 



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Nobody Just Nobody


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flan327 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
burns07 wrote:


well, was raised to believe family mattered more than anything else in this life--my father wasn't perfect but he was the finest man I've ever known--we each made mistakes along the way that distressed / angered one another but we never let that come between our friendship and respect--we saw / spoke with each other regularly even when it was difficult--he told us that it was especially important to communicate with each other when things were difficult--anyone could do it in good times--but how else would you be in the habit when it really mattered ?--have never forgotten that and did my best to live up to it--miss him terribly--his calm, wise, loving counsel sustained me through some very difficult straits in this life--now have only his memory and his instructions but they serve me still

 He sounds like a wonderful man. You were lucky to have him as an example. Some men, my DH being one, had to learn from the example their father set - except it was the example of what NOT to do. You were very very lucky to have such a fine man in your life. 

If you have been a member of this board for any time, you know that, unfortunately, SOME parents abuse their children.

flan 

   I miss my DH today.  He's the best father I know.



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Mellow Momma


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NJN you will end up having Fathers Day sometime later in the summer when your DH gets home and I will be jealous that you are doing something fun while I am sitting here doing the same ol thing.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Mellow Momma wrote:

NJN you will end up having Fathers Day sometime later in the summer when your DH gets home and I will be jealous that you are doing something fun while I am sitting here doing the same ol thing.

 Thank you.  That was very kind.



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ed11563


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Watched a really good movie the kids brought with them, "Going Postal".



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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
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