TOTALLY GEEKED!

—Lousy Father

Dear Father,
Your daughter is not a young adult, she is still a girl, and there is a long way to go and much that can be done, so please stop catastrophizing about her future. The most important thing is that you recognize your family needs help, so start with some gentle honesty. You need to tell your daughter how much you love her, and name specific delightful qualities of hers. Then tell her that while everyone gets angry, you see that sometimes she gets so angry that she loses control, and you know when she feels like that it makes her unhappy. The reason you know is because sometimes you are like that, too, and when you get like that, you are angry at yourself. Tell her you have gotten help for this, and have gotten better at controlling your temper, but that you aren’t perfect, because sometimes when you get frustrated you are mean to her. Say you are sorry this happens, and that you want her to know at those times you are more angry at yourself than at her. Explain that you want to help her so that as she grows up, she doesn’t have to struggle with this as much as you have. Dad, you do want to address this now before the storms of puberty take her thermonuclear. Start by getting a copy of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, read it, and put the principles to work—you will be training yourself as well as your daughter. Alan Kazdin is director of the Yale Parenting Center, and you also contact them for help and referrals. As Father’s Day approaches, instead of berating yourself for what a botch you’ve made of fatherhood, you should seek help yourself for controlling what you do that keeps you from being the father you want to be.

—Prudie