DEAR AMY: Please help me with a relationship issue. I adopted my grandson when he was 2 years old. Legally I realize that this makes him my son and my two daughters are now his sisters. Please tell me what is the relationship of his biological father's family to the child? When my daughters fill out forms that call for their siblings, should they put him down as their brother?
LJB in Denver
__________________
The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
DEAR LJB: I'm assuming that your daughter (the child's biological mother) is not in the picture. Your (other) daughters should refer to the adoptee as their brother, because once you adopted him he became their brother.
In terms of his other biological relatives, you should explain to him exactly who they are: "This is your biological father. These are your father's parents, and so they are your grandparents." This is very complicated, but starting in the boy's early childhood you should be very frank and open with him about his personal story. There are instances of grandparents raising grandchildren as their "children" but not disclosing it. This can be a very confusing and painful revelation when it is discovered later in life.
I give you so much credit for taking on this vital role. According to recent census figures, an estimated 7.7 American children are being raised by grandparents. These grandparents often take on this role without credit, compensation or in many cases legal rights or custody. Every single one of you is a hero in my eyes
__________________
The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
My cousin adopted her grandson. He is 9 now, knows who they all are to each other. He calls them mom, dad, and sister but he knows they are grandmom, granddad, and aunt.
And he still calls his mom, mom.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My friend and her late husband adopted her niece. It was out in the open. She called them mom & dad. She called her mom, aunt. But she knew the relationship from the beginning. My SIL raised her niece, but never adopted her. I'm not sure what she was called.
I don't think legalities are all that important here. The kid can call her grandma and her other daughters aunts.
That's what I think too. Not sure why the kid isn't living with mom and dad, but I would not want to erase those people from the child's life by calling the grandmother mom. But overall, I would take my cue from the child. He will call you whatever he Is comfortable with. It might be mom, or grandma, or Gigi or whatever. Go with it and don't make it a big deal.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
