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ed11563


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Dear Amy - abusive grandfather
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DEAR AMY: My husband, "Stan," and I have two great-grandchildren, ages 3 (girl) and 5 (boy). Stan is very critical of the little boy. He teases him a lot and when the child cries or yells at his Pop to stop, Stan gets mad, criticizes him and stomps off. In a recent column, you called this behavior bullying. I had never thought of it that way. Stan doesn't do this all the time but the little boy has told me several times he does not like his "Pop." We were going outside yesterday and he didn't want Pop to come with us and later, when we were taking them home, he didn't want Pop to ride in the car with us. I've tried to explain to the child that he shouldn't dislike his Pop but lately, I don't like him either. This is not new behavior for Stan. He also did it to our own children, especially our oldest -- at one time biting her so hard on the arm when she was 10 that he left a bruise. Then he got mad at her for crying. I've thought about telling Stan what our great-grandson has said about him but I'm afraid it will just make things worse. I'm keeping them for a whole week later this month and I am worried. Advise me how to handle this, please!

Worried Great-Gran

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DEAR GREAT-GRAN: Teasing or berating a young child and then punishing him for reacting is inexcusable and unacceptable. Yes, it is bullying. Biting a child on the arm hard enough to raise a bruise is abuse. You have either passively accepted this behavior, or (at least) have not done enough to disrupt it.

Your priority should be in protecting a young child who has limited ways to protect himself. So far, your great-grandson is doing a good job by reacting honestly and without fear by pushing back and by not wanting to be with his "Pop." As far as I can tell, this kid's instincts are perfect.

In terms of your husband, start with a very honest talk about his behavior and the impact on others. Did someone treat him this way when he was young? Does he really want this little boy to be afraid of him? You and your husband have a grand opportunity to be heroes to these children by modeling kindness and respect. You should let Stan know that if he can't handle himself around the children, then he should not be with them. Continue to keep a close eye on them.



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Tinydancer


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Weird!!!! You certainly make me wonder about people ed.

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yep, good advice. GGF is a bully and is probably getting worse the older he gets.

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huskerbb


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The guy has GREAT grandchildren. He's not going to change now.

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ed11563


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Tinydancer wrote:

Weird!!!! You certainly make me wonder about people ed.

Okay, now that we're pretending that this is your child / grandchild / great-grandchild,

He's 5, what do you say to him?



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ed11563 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

Weird!!!! You certainly make me wonder about people ed.

Okay, now that we're pretending that this is your child / grandchild / great-grandchild,

He's 5, what do you say to him?

 My parents told me to suck it up when I was 5.  My Uncle loved to give "bear hugs" and was relentless with tickling.  I complained to my parents but in those days, the older person had carte blanche.  This is why I have a no tickling rule in my house and a "my space" rule.  My Uncle was abusive and a bully.  After he passed, I didn't attend the funeral because I didn't care, his kids, my cousins, started talking about the abuse they endured growing up.  I was so PO'd at them for not protecting me when I was very little.  They knew! They were going through it and just tossed me up as some sort of sacrafice.



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ed11563


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:

Weird!!!! You certainly make me wonder about people ed.

Okay, now that we're pretending that this is your child / grandchild / great-grandchild,

He's 5, what do you say to him?

 My parents told me to suck it up when I was 5.  My Uncle loved to give "bear hugs" and was relentless with tickling.  I complained to my parents but in those days, the older person had carte blanche.  This is why I have a no tickling rule in my house and a "my space" rule.  My Uncle was abusive and a bully.  After he passed, I didn't attend the funeral because I didn't care, his kids, my cousins, started talking about the abuse they endured growing up.  I was so PO'd at them for not protecting me when I was very little.  They knew! They were going through it and just tossed me up as some sort of sacrifice.

 cry



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Ilumine


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One of the few arguments my DH and I have had (both IRL and on FB) is forcing our daughter to hug people, his mother in particular.

Luckily, I have enough well vetted medical articles to support my stance AND given that he choose to push me on a FB post, his mother now knows that I will make it an issue with her too.


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flan327


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Where in the world are these children's parents? Pop would NOT be allowed near my son if he acted this way.

flan

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Ilumine wrote:

One of the few arguments my DH and I have had (both IRL and on FB) is forcing our daughter to hug people, his mother in particular.

Luckily, I have enough well vetted medical articles to support my stance AND given that he choose to push me on a FB post, his mother now knows that I will make it an issue with her too.

 Forcing children to give out affection just seems wrong on every level - especially for girls. I am curious as to what your husband's arguments FOR it were? Anything besides "it's polite" ?  

And I agree with those wondering where the parents are. I would speak up and say "hey! Stop that! You are being rude to Frankie!" or whatever. Protect your kid. Sheesh. 



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Ilumine


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Mellow Momma wrote:
Ilumine wrote:

One of the few arguments my DH and I have had (both IRL and on FB) is forcing our daughter to hug people, his mother in particular.

Luckily, I have enough well vetted medical articles to support my stance AND given that he choose to push me on a FB post, his mother now knows that I will make it an issue with her too.

 Forcing children to give out affection just seems wrong on every level - especially for girls. I am curious as to what your husband's arguments FOR it were? Anything besides "it's polite" ?  

And I agree with those wondering where the parents are. I would speak up and say "hey! Stop that! You are being rude to Frankie!" or whatever. Protect your kid. Sheesh. 

 Its a mixture of "honoring your elders" and "we (DH and I and his sisters) had to do it and we survived just fine so why can't DD put her time in."  

Just because we survived doesn't mean we were happy doing it.  



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huskerbb


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Not everything has to make a little kid happy.

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Great Grandma want to know what to do about it? I agree, he's too set in his ways to change, so if the kids parents don't know, she needs to tell them so they'll stop letting 'Pop Pop' around d their kids. She also should speak up when she sees it happening. Seriously, once upon a time was it really normal and okay for someone to hurt and berate children for no reason? How does she not know this is not ok?

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flan327


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huskerbb wrote:

Not everything has to make a little kid happy.

 And I would NEVER force my kids to hug someone. It's their choice.

flan



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huskerbb


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flan327 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Not everything has to make a little kid happy.

 And I would NEVER force my kids to hug someone. It's their choice.

flan

 It depends on who it is.  it won't hurt them to give grandma a hug.

 

Part of being an adult is being able to recognize different situations and the implications thereof.  

 

Hugging some creep, not ok.  Hugging grandma should be ok unless your family is seriously fvcked up.



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NAOW wrote:

Great Grandma want to know what to do about it? I agree, he's too set in his ways to change, so if the kids parents don't know, she needs to tell them so they'll stop letting 'Pop Pop' around d their kids. She also should speak up when she sees it happening. Seriously, once upon a time was it really normal and okay for someone to hurt and berate children for no reason? How does she not know this is not ok?

 She knows.  She just doesn't want to admit her part in it.  This guy is clearly an azz.  But I think we've gone way overboard these days that some people don't allow even a little joking or horseplay.  It's sad because when the kids grow up and become adults they don't understand humor and how to interact with others.  But clearly this guy is a jerk.  I would give him as little contact with the kids as possible.



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Mellow Momma


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Ilumine wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Ilumine wrote:

One of the few arguments my DH and I have had (both IRL and on FB) is forcing our daughter to hug people, his mother in particular.

Luckily, I have enough well vetted medical articles to support my stance AND given that he choose to push me on a FB post, his mother now knows that I will make it an issue with her too.

 Forcing children to give out affection just seems wrong on every level - especially for girls. I am curious as to what your husband's arguments FOR it were? Anything besides "it's polite" ?  

And I agree with those wondering where the parents are. I would speak up and say "hey! Stop that! You are being rude to Frankie!" or whatever. Protect your kid. Sheesh. 

 Its a mixture of "honoring your elders" and "we (DH and I and his sisters) had to do it and we survived just fine so why can't DD put her time in."  

Just because we survived doesn't mean we were happy doing it.  

 Thanks. I was just curious. When I was small there was a family friend that I refused to hug and my parents never made me. My grandfather tried to make me but my mom shot him down quickly. She told him it was pretty important (especially for girls) to grow up knowing they don't have to let their bodies become objects of pleasure for other people. 

 

The OP needs to wake up and realize SHE is guilty of allowing her children to be abused by this sorry excuse of a man. 



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flan327


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
NAOW wrote:

Great Grandma want to know what to do about it? I agree, he's too set in his ways to change, so if the kids parents don't know, she needs to tell them so they'll stop letting 'Pop Pop' around d their kids. She also should speak up when she sees it happening. Seriously, once upon a time was it really normal and okay for someone to hurt and berate children for no reason? How does she not know this is not ok?

 She knows.  She just doesn't want to admit her part in it.  This guy is clearly an azz.  But I think we've gone way overboard these days that some people don't allow even a little joking or horseplay.  It's sad because when the kids grow up and become adults they don't understand humor and how to interact with others.  But clearly this guy is a jerk.  I would give him as little contact with the kids as possible.

 You have to know the child, I think. Some kids naturally play rougher than others.

flan



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I'm not talking about rough horse play. I'm talking about any kind of humor at all.

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