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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Abby: Grandma Not in Memory Books
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Abby: Grandma Not in Memory Books
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DEAR ABBY: Throughout my three grandchildren's lives, I have picked them up from school, and attended school functions, games and activities in which they have participated. Their parents work, and I was helping out.

I have given them money for camps, clothes for all changes of season, and anything they especially needed or wanted. I baby-sat after school and on weekends while my daughter-in-law, "Kathy," went to "memory book classes" and special scrapbooking lessons. I'm always at her beck and call. I do anything I am asked, even if I must rearrange my own schedule.

The oldest grandchild graduated this year, and Kathy had photos out and memory books displayed for everyone to see. As I glanced through, I noticed there were no pictures of me with the kids nor any from our side of the family. My son (their father) was barely in any of them, either. There were plenty of photos with Kathy, her mom and her siblings. Although Kathy has a nice camera and has snapped pictures of us, none made it into the memory books.

I am truly hurt. When the children look back in years to come, it will be as if we were never in their lives. They will see only one side of their family tree. They have other cousins, aunts and uncles they will not remember. Am I wrong to feel hurt that we were left out of the children's memory book family? -- GRANDMA ON THE WRONG SIDE

DEAR GRANDMA: No, I don't think you're wrong. And I think you should tell your daughter-in-law how you feel, because there is nothing I can do to rectify it. If Kathy is unwilling or unable to amend her memory books, consider getting ahold of some of the more accurate -- and inclusive -- "rejects" that should have been included and creating a few photo albums of your own.

And another thought: Please don't think your grandchildren will forget you because you don't appear in their mother's memory books. You have been such a constant, loving, supportive and important presence in their lives that such a thing would be impossible. While their mom is capturing the memories, you are creating them.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2015/7/26/grandmas-pictures-dont-make-the-cut

 



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Grandma should make a digital photo frame of her pics from the growing up years.

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First. Memories are in their heads forever. There may not be pictures, but the kids know who was there.

Next. Stop being at their beck and call.



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If Grandma wants a memory book with her in it - why doesn't she make one?

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

Grandma should make a digital photo frame of her pics from the growing up years.

I like this idea. 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Scolding other adults rarely creates the outcome you want. Instead, I think making your own book is a great idea. And, involve the kids in making it and it will be even more special. Great idea.

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Mellow Momma


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I think the point was the father of the children as well as his whole side of the family was missing from the books despite the fact that they were very involved in the lives of the children. The issue isn't the photos per se but being excluded and what the DIL could be thinking about them. It seems that she is very involved in their lives, yet the DIL harbors some sort of resentment towards her. I don't think she was complaining about the photos necessarily but more about what the snub represents.

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Lawyerlady


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Mellow Momma wrote:

I think the point was the father of the children as well as his whole side of the family was missing from the books despite the fact that they were very involved in the lives of the children. The issue isn't the photos per se but being excluded and what the DIL could be thinking about them. It seems that she is very involved in their lives, yet the DIL harbors some sort of resentment towards her. I don't think she was complaining about the photos necessarily but more about what the snub represents.

 If mom is in the pictures - dad is probably taking them.  Either that, or he might leave entertaining the kids to the mom.  

 

Here's the thing - mom is creating a memory book of the times she spends with the kids.  If the grandparents are only with the kids when mom isn't around, she's not taking their pictures, and she has no emotional connection to those times.



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My parents experience the same thing with their DIL. It's all about her and her friends and a couple family members that she is not on the outs with, and nothing about my brother and his family. What can you do? Make albums for their daughter which document memories with us. And continue to make memories with her.

Personally, I made a point to include the in-laws in the boys' yearly albums. But the albums I made the last couple years have lacked photos of the in-laws because..well....they aren't involved in the boys' life. It's difficult to document memories that don't exist. And the last couple of times they saw the boys, the in-laws were mean. I'm not going to document bad memories.

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I can relate to the LW.

My SIL (DH's sister) made a photo album for our DS when he graduated from high school. She used pictures that she and her mom had taken.

Guess what, I was not included in the book.

I was always aware that DH's family did not include me while taking pictures, so it wasn't a big surprise to me.

I did not make an issue of the lack of "mom" pictures. I didn't see the point. It is what it is.

I made albums for my kids that reflect our family as a whole. That is good enough for me.



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Lawyerlady wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:

I think the point was the father of the children as well as his whole side of the family was missing from the books despite the fact that they were very involved in the lives of the children. The issue isn't the photos per se but being excluded and what the DIL could be thinking about them. It seems that she is very involved in their lives, yet the DIL harbors some sort of resentment towards her. I don't think she was complaining about the photos necessarily but more about what the snub represents.

 If mom is in the pictures - dad is probably taking them.  Either that, or he might leave entertaining the kids to the mom.  

 

Here's the thing - mom is creating a memory book of the times she spends with the kids.  If the grandparents are only with the kids when mom isn't around, she's not taking their pictures, and she has no emotional connection to those times.

 Well if you read the OP, the mom has a camera that she loves to use, not the dad. It also states that she took pics of the grandmother, she just chose very purposefully to exclude her from the albums. 

 



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On the flip side, perhaps the photos were not very flattering of omitted grandma, or she didn't want to "publish" photos of omitted grandma without her permission? Personally, I can recall taking a picture of the boys with sMIL only to hear her scold me and say, "please, do not put that picture in the yearly album."

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Really this isn't about the albums or the pictures. The grandma feels invisible to the daughter and unappreciated for all she does. When the daughter made a display for the graduation, she didn't include a single picture of the father's side of the family. This isn't a yearly album, this is 18 years worth of memories and the mother didn't include an entire side of the family. That's not a miss or a "didn't have a good photo", that's purposeful exclusion. The DIL is sending a passive aggressive message and the grandmother is getting the message, she just doesn't understand WHY the DIL feels this way. THAT's the problem.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Maybe DIL is just oblivious. Not everything is an intentional snub.

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Lawyerlady


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Mellow Momma wrote:

Really this isn't about the albums or the pictures. The grandma feels invisible to the daughter and unappreciated for all she does. When the daughter made a display for the graduation, she didn't include a single picture of the father's side of the family. This isn't a yearly album, this is 18 years worth of memories and the mother didn't include an entire side of the family. That's not a miss or a "didn't have a good photo", that's purposeful exclusion. The DIL is sending a passive aggressive message and the grandmother is getting the message, she just doesn't understand WHY the DIL feels this way. THAT's the problem.

 That could very well be.  There could be a reason.  There's always 2 sides.  Maybe MIL is not as nice as she's claiming and doesn't see it.



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just Czech


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All parties need to get over themselves. Life is not always about you (general you).

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You know, I'm not crazy about being in pictures. I don't like seeing pictures of myself. But I've learned an important lesson. One day DN and I went out for coffee at Starbucks. We were having a really nice time and laughing and joking around. She took this really goofy picture of us with our heads together and us sipping our drinks. It's a bad picture! We're all poofy looking. Our hair is messed up. But this past mothers day she posted it on her FB page with the caption, "One of the best pictures of us ever!" In her heart and mind it was the moment that mattered so much to her.

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My MIL and I are not close and we really only see her for holidays, but I make sure to take pictures of her with the kids AND to put them in our 'memory' books. I doubt MIL even knows I have the books, but I still think it's important to include her.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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just Czech wrote:

All parties need to get over themselves. Life is not always about you (general you).

Yup 



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chef


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I have the opposite situation. We want to include FIL in our pics. He refuses. He doesn't want any pics or videos of him online. It's sad that there will be only a handful of pics that he is in but it's his choice.

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