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Post Info TOPIC: Grandparents Do not want to go to Kids' Activities
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Grandparents Do not want to go to Kids' Activities
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three children ages 14, 13 and 9, all very active. Between my husband and I both working full-time and getting all three children to where they need to be, we hardly have a spare moment.

About four years ago, my parents decided to move to be "close" to us. Naturally I was very excited and could not wait to have them here.

However, now that they are here, we see them less than we did when they lived out of town.

We invite them to every activity the children have, but they always have an excuse not to come. Finally we determined that the real reason was that they just weren't interested in the types of events that we were inviting them to.

I am resentful and sometimes cannot keep from being a little short when I do speak to them. If I say something about it to them, they turn it around on me and say that we never come to see them or make time for them, and that we are just too busy.

I just don't understand how they can expect us to come and sit at their house, when we rarely have time to "sit" at our own! Any night of the week, at least one of our children has some type of activity to participate in.

We have made it clear that we would love for them to be more of a part of our everyday lives; however, they do not seem interested, and almost seem angry that we don't make time for them.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like this time in my life is all about keeping my children as involved with activities as I can. I enjoy watching them, and just can't seem to get my parents to realize this.

GENTLE READER: As impossible as it may be for you to imagine, perhaps your parents' idea of spending time with you and their grandchildren does not include shuttling around to their various activities. Would you be eager to observe their book club or watch them take an exercise class?

You find it an imposition to sit at their house -- or what Miss Manners would call socializing -- yet are insulted that they don't consider standing on the sidelines as being "close" to their grandchildren.

An occasional dance recital or pivotal sports game may be entertaining, but it is a lot to ask, even from a loving grandparent, solely to watch the children, rather than interact with them.

The constant bustle that you describe hardly sounds sociable or relaxing. And it's probably not what your parents imagined when they decided to move across the country in order to be close to you. You might consider that developing family bonds is an extremely worthwhile activity for your children.

http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2015/8/6/grandparents-choose-to-opt-out-of

 



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lilyofcourse


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I don't know if it is the situation here, but a lot of parents over schedule and over involve their kids in activities.

If you find yourself with no time for anything other than your activities, your doing it wrong.

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just Czech


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Momma doesn't have a clue as to what "family time" really means.

She also sounds like a "me" person. What a biotch.

Grandpa and grandma could go to a few activities, but the rest of their time with the grand's should be personal, not observational.

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huskerbb


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Miss manners is wrong.

While I think it is a little unfair for the LW to expect her aging parents to go to all these activities, at the same time, it's also HIGHLY unreasonable for the grandparents to not do so--and then bitch about the time they get to see them.

Maybe their idea of a good time isn't watching three soccer games a week, but the grandkids' idea of a good time is undoubtedly not sitting around at grandma's house for tea and crumpets.

Plus, there is the whole idea of "support". Just showing some support and interest in what the grandkids are doing would go a long way to foster the relationship they seek.

While I do think that parents can sometimes overdo it with activities, having three children of those ages and different genders could mean they may only be involved in one activity at a time and it would still take up much of the week for a parent.

At what other time in your life can you just play sports, do drama, be involved in vocational organizations, etc...?

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huskerbb


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just Czech wrote:

Momma doesn't have a clue as to what "family time" really means.

She also sounds like a "me" person. What a biotch.

Grandpa and grandma could go to a few activities, but the rest of their time with the grand's should be personal, not observational.

 I don't see the grandparents making much effort here.  My mom went to TONS of stuff for mine and my sisters kids and we lived an hour or more away.  



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Lawyerlady


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For the most part, I agree with Husker. Retired grandparents with free time should be more understanding of busy working parents' schedules and juggling kids' activities. However, I think there could be a bit more give and take - the grandparents go to some activities, and the parents make time to have the kids visit the grandparents once a week or so.

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huskerbb


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Lawyerlady wrote:

For the most part, I agree with Husker. Retired grandparents with free time should be more understanding of busy working parents' schedules and juggling kids' activities. However, I think there could be a bit more give and take - the grandparents go to some activities, and the parents make time to have the kids visit the grandparents once a week or so.

 If that would happen--but it doesn't sound like they are going to any.



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just Czech


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huskerbb wrote:
just Czech wrote:

Momma doesn't have a clue as to what "family time" really means.

She also sounds like a "me" person. What a biotch.

Grandpa and grandma could go to a few activities, but the rest of their time with the grand's should be personal, not observational.

 I don't see the grandparents making much effort here.  My mom went to TONS of stuff for mine and my sisters kids and we lived an hour or more away.  

From the LW, I got the impression that they did do that stuff in the beginning, but that was all they got to do, just observe.

Good grief, have grandpa and grandma over for Saturday lunch and Sunday dinner as well. It would go a long way in fostering good will on both sides. Then grandpa and grandma would be more willing to attend more activities.

It's not an issue around here. My MIL attended all of our kids activities and we attend all of our grand's activities, but that is the way we are. But, we also share a lot of time together outside of scheduled activities. Hmm, free food at grandma's always gets them here. wink

If the LW is restricting time to only activities, I can see a problem. 



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We get the complaints that we don't call enough and we don't visit enough. I finally had to explain that DH only gets 2 weeks vacation a year, and we can't be trecking to Michigan all the time. For some reason, they were assuming he had a lot more vacation time - and when she finally realized the limitations, they backed off.

As for calling more, we usually get home at 6:00 and have 3 hours in the evening to get everything done, from dinner to homework to chores, any activities (which are limited - DD11 has piano and youth choir on Wed. evenings, Baby J has swimming on Fridays), baths, etc. I usually don't have the down time during that period to stop and think about calling people. And for some reason, they always call right as we're trying to get the kids into bed. We call them on the weekends.

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huskerbb


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I know a set of grandparents who had a ton of grandkids and they never missed a home sports game, and he was blind, so what enjoyment did he get? The enjoyment of supporting his grandkids and showing an interest in what they were doing. The reward? They had grandkids at their house almost all the time because those kids knew they cared.

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FNW


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I agree with everyone here. Mom is overbooking the kids, need to reduce schedule so the kids can have some down time and family time, and grandparents need to make more effort and be more supportive.

My parents moved across the country so they could be involved in their grandsons' lives. While I do not have the boys enrolled in extracurricular activities, they still have school plays and events and my parents are right there, in the front row, snapping pictures. The first play I did not invite them (didn't know I could, actually). Once I learned the more the merrier, my parents were thrilled to watch and support, and the boys are excited and happy they are there.

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huskerbb


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FNW wrote:

I agree with everyone here. Mom is overbooking the kids, need to reduce schedule so the kids can have some down time and family time, and grandparents need to make more effort and be more supportive.

My parents moved across the country so they could be involved in their grandsons' lives. While I do not have the boys enrolled in extracurricular activities, they still have school plays and events and my parents are right there, in the front row, snapping pictures. The first play I did not invite them (didn't know I could, actually). Once I learned the more the merrier, my parents were thrilled to watch and support, and the boys are excited and happy they are there.

 We don't know that the kids are overbooked.  Like I said, three kids of that age and different genders could mean just one activity at a time, especially if they are sports.  



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NAOW


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Yea, with three kids, you'd be busy all week with just one activity each. It's hard to schedule things for all the same day, and if you do, then you have no way to get two kids to two different places.

I know DD loves when my sister and mom and whoever else comes to watch her. Kids like showing off. I really don't get that the grandparents don't enjoy watching their grand kids during their activities. No one is saying they have to go to all of them every week. Or they could take one kid to spend time with on days the other kids are busy and rotate.

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sweet tooth


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The grandparents are the ones with tons of leisure time. The parents don't have a minute to spare, even if the kids only have one activity each. So why does the burden fall on the already overworked parents? I never understood that. Grandparents are only people, not gods.

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Ohfour


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She also doesn't say if her parents are retired or not. The assumption is that they are because they were able to move closer, but we don't know that. If they are both working, it's probably hard on them to do a lot of activities after work...

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Southern_Belle


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My dad is retired but he has a lot of things to do. Running around to three different kids' activities might be too much for the grandparents. Maybe in that situation they could go to one thing for each kid per month.

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huskerbb


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Southern_Belle wrote:

My dad is retired but he has a lot of things to do. Running around to three different kids' activities might be too much for the grandparents. Maybe in that situation they could go to one thing for each kid per month.

 That's barely anything.  If they can't make more of an effort than that, then they really would have no right to complain about not getting visited or whatever.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well, the modern idea of "support" is to sit at games and cheer. And, how about going to the game and then going out for ice cream after the game or a bite to eat? Make it special. Oh, grandma and grandpa are here for your game and then we are going out to eat at McD's after the game or something. Win, win.

There are some other things to consider. First, how involved were they in the OP's life when she was a child? I mean, DH's parents never went to anything. He kind of hoped that when we had children, they would take an interest in their grandchildren. But, they didn't. And, when we thought about it , it was really no surprise because they made no effort to go to anything DH or his siblings did. So, if that is the case, then that is just the way they are.

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sweet tooth


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huskerbb wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

My dad is retired but he has a lot of things to do. Running around to three different kids' activities might be too much for the grandparents. Maybe in that situation they could go to one thing for each kid per month.

 That's barely anything.  If they can't make more of an effort than that, then they really would have no right to complain about not getting visited or whatever.

This. Again, it makes no sense to me that the ones who have time and freedom get to make demands on people who have zero time, zero freedom and tons of obligations and responsibilities. The grandparents should either be helping, or at least not adding to the burden. When I have grandchildren, I plan on being a help to my kid's families, not another chore.



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sweet tooth


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And then when I'm MUCH older, say in my 90s, then and only then will I feel entitled to ask things of them. (of course, emergencies are different and I would expect help way before my 90s in an emergency, obviously).

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