Football Trauma: Fifteen years ago my 16-year-old brother died in a tragic high school football accident. Since then, my mother has suffered frequent anxiety attacks related to football (though has improved with counseling) and doesn’t like to talk about it. I am dating an amazing man, who happens to work as a high school football coach. He’s very considerate of my grief, and watches game tapes, NFL games, etc., when I’m not around, and makes sure I’m OK whenever we’re in a situation where the main conversation topic is football. (You’d be surprised how often this is!) For Thanksgiving we’re invited to my mom’s house, but she doesn’t yet know that my boyfriend coaches high school football. I don’t know whether to tell her. For one thing, I think our relationship will last—if anyone’s “The One,” he is—and I want my mom to get to know him better, but I also don’t want her to immediately associate him with something bad, and especially for her to have a panic attack or become depressed on Thanksgiving. What should I do?
A: If you are going to end up marrying a high school football coach, you have to be able to fully embrace his career—while also fully believing, because you know it to be true, that he does everything possible to protect the health and safety of his players. Your mother suffered the worst thing that can happen to a parent, but you cannot hide this fact about your new guy from her. If you are serious about your boyfriend, you need to sit down with your mother and tell her about your relationship and what he does for a living. Then offer to go to the therapist with her to talk this out and develop strategies for how to interact in a normal fashion with your boyfriend, and how both of you—especially she—can cope when football comes up in conversation
I guess anyone who lost a loved one in a car accident can't be around other drivers.
I understand bad things happen. I understand those things can stay with you forever.
I can't understand not being able to deal with another over something that happened so long ago.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My high school football team had one player, Ron S, who would carry the football forward at least 3 yards, every time someone handed it to him, even with half of the opposing team on top of him.
I overheard his mother in a conversation with another parent once (in 1963). She was asked whether she worried about him. She said,
"Of course I'm worried about him, I'm worried sick all the time. But this is what he wants to do, and I can't talk him out of it."
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
If mom is freaking out now, what happens if this works out between her daughter and coach and the kid wants to go out for football when he's old enough?
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I don't think a mother's grief ever disappears, they just learn to go forward. Personally, I try not to talk about bridges to my friend whose son jumped from one 15 years ago. But whenever I see a bridge, particularly a large one, I think of him to this day.
It sounds like the LW still has some issues about the game as well, if her BF watches videos when she's not around. I just don't see this relationship working in the long run. Either way, I'm with Prudie that she needs to tell her mother what he does for a living. Better to know ahead of time than sitting around the Thanksgiving table asking, "so what do you do?"
Mom is getting counseling and has improved. I think they should let her get to know him a bit before telling her what he does.
I agree that she should get to know him a bit before telling her. Telling her up front will probably taint her view of him as a person & she won't really give him a chance.
I don't see how that will work. One of the first questions asked when you meet someone is "so what do you do".
Yeah I thought about that too. So I guess she better tell Mom before Thanksgiving. That would make for a very uncomfortable dinner if mom has an anxiety attack during dinner.
I don't see how that will work. One of the first questions asked when you meet someone is "so what do you do".
Yeah I thought about that too. So I guess she better tell Mom before Thanksgiving. That would make for a very uncomfortable dinner if mom has an anxiety attack during dinner.
Maybe should should bring him round before Thanksgiving. They could tell her he's a coach at the high school without specifying.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
On what pretense? Mom is already football phobic. Why would anyone bring around casual acquaintances associated with it? At least if they are dating, there's a good reason to do so. Plus, I don't like deception.
Rip off the band-aid.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I don't see how that will work. One of the first questions asked when you meet someone is "so what do you do".
Yeah I thought about that too. So I guess she better tell Mom before Thanksgiving. That would make for a very uncomfortable dinner if mom has an anxiety attack during dinner.
Maybe should should bring him round before Thanksgiving. They could tell her he's a coach at the high school without specifying.
That would be Mom's next question.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I am worried about the daughter. She stated that she still has some issues too but this guy could be "the one".
As a coach's wife, I can tell you, it's not like other jobs. It follows you home. It follows you to the grocery store and out to dinner and to the movies. You are always running into people who want to stop and talk to your DH about the lineup or last night's game or who is on a hot streak. It's not a job it's a lifestyle. If she isn't comfortable now, she never will be.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I am worried about the daughter. She stated that she still has some issues too but this guy could be "the one".
As a coach's wife, I can tell you, it's not like other jobs. It follows you home. It follows you to the grocery store and out to dinner and to the movies. You are always running into people who want to stop and talk to your DH about the lineup or last night's game or who is on a hot streak. It's not a job it's a lifestyle. If she isn't comfortable now, she never will be.
That is exactly true. I was only an assistant coach and it took tons of time. Head coach is much worse.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I am worried about the daughter. She stated that she still has some issues too but this guy could be "the one".
As a coach's wife, I can tell you, it's not like other jobs. It follows you home. It follows you to the grocery store and out to dinner and to the movies. You are always running into people who want to stop and talk to your DH about the lineup or last night's game or who is on a hot streak. It's not a job it's a lifestyle. If she isn't comfortable now, she never will be.
Yes, it is going to consume most of his time. So if you want to be a football wife, either get on board and learn to love football and be a part of it. Or, accept that you are going to be spending a lot of time alone and plan accordingly.
And there is no polite way to tell the parents in the grocery store that you just don't want to talk about it, or that you don't really follow the sport your DH coaches. You have to listen politely, nod and smile at all the right times etc. Honestly, it can be exhausting if you are not a sports person (I am not). I cannot imagine being in the OP's situation - it would be unbearable.
For her sake, the only helpful suggestion would be for the couple to live in a community other than the one he coaches in. Live in Town A but coach in Town B. It will make life somewhat bearable.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
There are times you have to put your own pain away for the sake of others. Her son is gone and that is very sad. But, there is nothing that is going to change that. She isn't honoring her son by missing out on a full life with her daughter and her family. Yes, she will grieve that loss all of her life.
My brother died when I was young. And, my mom was also a widow. But, she perservered. Doesn't mean she didn't have pain but she still found away to celebrate life with her family and grandchildren. DH's mother on the other hand, was totally unable to do this after she became a widow. And, it was very sad that she was so stuck that she was miserable for every holiday going forward. She was unable to find the joy of being with her grandkids.
