TOTALLY GEEKED!

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Need Some Geeky Advice

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

You and I have talked about this for awhile. He's had ample chance to "make it big". If you are going to move do it now before the little one is in school. So much easier. I think it's time for a sit down talk and to say it's time for family to come first. Maybe he can write in his spare time?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

You can't make unilateral decisions this big if you want to stay married.

The two of you need to have a serious, lengthy, uninterrupted conversation.

You both need to decide what is more important, your individual dreams or your marriage and son.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I'm not sure there is an easy answer to this one. I'm not trying to kick you when you feel down but you two should have had this discussion before you got married. You need to have an honest conversation with him about how you feel. This is not the first time you have mentioned this here. For some reason I thought it had been agreed upon you were moving back to Michigan before the baby started school. Hugs.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I think that once you have children, making sure that you do the best for them is more important than continuing to chase a dream that hasn't panned out. That's not to say he has to give up completely, but many writers work "real" jobs to support their families. I think it is time for a "come to Jesus" type discussion about this. Your husband has always sounded reasonable, but he has to realize he is actually a grown up now.

chef · Guru

Before making a decision, visit both NorCal and Michigan and check out the houses available. Research the school districts in both areas. If you can, talk to the people already living in the area you're most interested in. See what jobs are available now and what any projections might be for available jobs in the future. Read up on the weather in both areas and decide which one you would like more on a day-to-day basis.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Bonny, that's a hard one. I wish you luck on reaching a compromise that's right for your family!

flan

TrudyML · Guru

I think you should start researching both places together.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Once you start a family, you need to get a good job. Nothing wrong with writing or anything else. But, you need to earn a reliable, regular income and benefits.

-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Monday 21st of September 2015 12:21:47 PM

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Lexxy wrote:
I'm not sure there is an easy answer to this one. I'm not trying to kick you when you feel down but you two should have had this discussion before you got married. You need to have an honest conversation with him about how you feel. This is not the first time you have mentioned this here. For some reason I thought it had been agreed upon you were moving back to Michigan before the baby started school. Hugs.

Its come back up again as we were looking to move to more child friendly area in LA and the rent/property prices have sky rocketed again. Google is moving in down here and tech prices are cray cray.

We've kept talking about it and I was open to giving him some more time, but realizing that we cant' even rent a 2 bedroom for less that 2200-2400 near my office has driven me to the edge. Why spend our savings on rent when we could pull out now and use it for a downpayment?

I'm trying to find a marriage counselor to discuss these issues with because we keep having the same conversation each time and I dont' think either one of us is doing a good job about talking about it anymore.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

We've kept talking about it and I was open to giving him some more time, but realizing that we cant' even rent a 2 bedroom for less that 2200-2400 near my office has driven me to the edge. Why spend our savings on rent when we could pull out now and use it for a downpayment?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Holy crap on the rent prices. I have a 4 bedromm SFH & don't pay that much in mortgage & I live in a fairly HCOL location. I think you really need to find a more family friendly location. Especially if you are not happy living there. It is crazy to pay that kind of money & not be happy there. He needs to understand that the little one will need space to grow. Stay firm. You have very valid reasons for moving.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

You know, if you moved to a more less hectic area, he'd likely have more time to write, even with a full time job. I mean, your day must be crazy with the commute and everything.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

I starting to poke around at jobs outside of LA to see what I could potentially do. My main background is localization and Blu-ray & DVD production. I'm basically just a project manager that talks to people all over the world so I am hoping that translates into something outside of entertainment.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Bonny22Pye wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
I'm not sure there is an easy answer to this one. I'm not trying to kick you when you feel down but you two should have had this discussion before you got married. You need to have an honest conversation with him about how you feel. This is not the first time you have mentioned this here. For some reason I thought it had been agreed upon you were moving back to Michigan before the baby started school. Hugs.
Its come back up again as we were looking to move to more child friendly area in LA and the rent/property prices have sky rocketed again. Google is moving in down here and tech prices are cray cray.
We've kept talking about it and I was open to giving him some more time, but realizing that we cant' even rent a 2 bedroom for less that 2200-2400 near my office has driven me to the edge. Why spend our savings on rent when we could pull out now and use it for a downpayment?
I'm trying to find a marriage counselor to discuss these issues with because we keep having the same conversation each time and I dont' think either one of us is doing a good job about talking about it anymore.

I was going to suggest that, but didn't want to offend you. An impartial person can be a big help.

flan

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
You know, if you moved to a more less hectic area, he'd likely have more time to write, even with a full time job. I mean, your day must be crazy with the commute and everything.

I get up a 6 out the door by 7 in the office by 8. Leave work at 5, pick up Gordito and we are back home by 6. Its a long day.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

I'm sorry Bonny, there is no quick fix. You know what in your heart is best, but DH has a different opinion. Women nest, Men try to do what they know best. He probably loves what he is doing so can't step back and see the bigger picture. He could write parttime and with the contacts he has now, he won't be out of the picture if he moves. But he is in a tough business. He may see that and think his best bet is to stick with it in LA. He isn't thinking family security in a long term sense.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Bonny22Pye wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
You know, if you moved to a more less hectic area, he'd likely have more time to write, even with a full time job. I mean, your day must be crazy with the commute and everything.
I get up a 6 out the door by 7 in the office by 8. Leave work at 5, pick up Gordito and we are back home by 6. Its a long day.

I am up at 4:30, at work by 7-7:15, work until 5ish and plug in when I get home to work. I am exhausted, it doesn't end until the kid is out of the nest.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Bonny22Pye wrote:
I starting to poke around at jobs outside of LA to see what I could potentially do. My main background is localization and Blu-ray & DVD production. I'm basically just a project manager that talks to people all over the world so I am hoping that translates into something outside of entertainment.

Any sales or customer service job would be right up your alley.

Divine Geek · Guru

I don't have much advice on the marriage front, but wish you the best of luck.

On the job front, project manager will most definitely translate to other industries. We use them for our big capital projects. Look at engineering and architecture firms.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Bonny22Pye wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
You know, if you moved to a more less hectic area, he'd likely have more time to write, even with a full time job. I mean, your day must be crazy with the commute and everything.
I get up a 6 out the door by 7 in the office by 8. Leave work at 5, pick up Gordito and we are back home by 6. Its a long day.
I am up at 4:30, at work by 7-7:15, work until 5ish and plug in when I get home to work. I am exhausted, it doesn't end until the kid is out of the nest.

Well thanks for that Rosie picture : ( Glad to know its the same everywhere.

Mary Zombie · Guru

When you make a family you put their needs and security first . period .
I know you don't want to make a unilateral decision but if he keeps not addressing it... How long can you wait before you have to take a stand and start proceeding? KWIM?

FNW · Guru

Have you thought about the San Gabriel Valley? It's cheaper and still close to L.A. Plus with the Gold line now, you don't have to drive.

FNW · Guru

As for your husband getting a real job, I think it's time. On the other hand, this was a conversation you needed to have prior to starting a family. And this is a decision which must be mutual, if you want to keep your marriage.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

FNW wrote:
As for your husband getting a real job, I think it's time. On the other hand, this was a conversation you needed to have prior to starting a family. And this is a decision which must be mutual, if you want to keep your marriage.

Well... Gordito was a surprise and having a child really changed my opinion about Los Angeles.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Bonny22Pye wrote:
FNW wrote:
As for your husband getting a real job, I think it's time. On the other hand, this was a conversation you needed to have prior to starting a family. And this is a decision which must be mutual, if you want to keep your marriage.
Well... Gordito was a surprise and having a child really changed my opinion about Los Angeles.

biggrin That wasn't my business to say but I was like Um, they couldn't have that convo before they had kids.

FNW · Guru

There are areas in So. Cal that are more affordable yet remain closer to L.A. He would get his proximity, and you would get out of the city. I grew up in Covina and moved to Glendora and San Dimas. Close enough, but not too close. I also worked in the Mid-Wilshire area for many years. It's doable. But it does not sound like you like it there. Is it L.A. or California in general? Raising a child now, I would assume safety and a good education is your main focus. Is it your husband's, too? If not, you will need to make a decision. If it is not made together as a team, then dissolution might be in your future.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

They don't want a divorce.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

No one wants a divorce.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Well, to say dissolution will be in the future is silly. This isn't something they will divorce over.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

All couples have problems.

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
No one wants a divorce.

That is simply not true.

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
No one wants a divorce.
That is simply not true.
flan

Correct. And some people stay married and work through difficult periods.

Ohfour · Hooker

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Well, to say dissolution will be in the future is silly. This isn't something they will divorce over.

This would be serious enough for me to divorce over if a compromise couldn't be reached...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Well, to say dissolution will be in the future is silly. This isn't something they will divorce over.

That's not how I read that post.

But if one person starts making unilateral decisions, or they just suck it up and live with it, contempt will take root.

Nothing kills a relationship faster than stubbornness.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

And I have never met anyone who truly valued their marriage, want to divorce.

It may be the only option once every other option has been exhausted.

But no one WANTS a divorce.

Well. Except those who treat marriage like tissue.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Well, she came on here asking for advice. So obviously she wants help and wants to work on this and stay in the marriage. So far the advice she's gotten is that she'll end up divorced or that she's going to be a slave to work until her child is an adult. Flan did suggest counseling which I think is the best idea. Otherwise, I don't think most have given good advice. I would never suggest a divorce over something like this. She can look for jobs anywhere without his "permission". She doesn't have to take one. And yes, sometimes in marriage it takes one person standing up and saying this situation isn't workable anymore. We have to change something.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Well FNW did suggest some LA suburbs where they could live affordably while he could continue to do the job he loves. I think that could be a viable solution.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yes. Asking for advice means you get advice.

Even if it isn't the advice you like.

I said they need to have a serious, come to Jesus, conversation.

And I said making decisions this big on your own will not do a marriage any good.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

There's advice, and there's rudeness. And I don't think Bonny is just going to make a decision one day and tell him afterward. Sheesh. Ya'll treating her like an imbecile.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

No. We are giving our advice and opinions.

Geesh, chill out.

She's a big girl. She can handle it.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
And I have never met anyone who truly valued their marriage, want to divorce.

It may be the only option once every other option has been exhausted.

But no one WANTS a divorce.

Well. Except those who treat marriage like tissue.

Yeah, if your mate is abusive, you should just stay...

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

lilyofcourse wrote:
No. We are giving our advice and opinions.

Geesh, chill out.

She's a big girl. She can handle it.

Since you are not a moderator you can keep your "Chill outs" to yourself. I can post whatever I want on here too. I'm fairly sure Bonny CAN handle the rudeness on this thread. And it is damn sure rude to tell someone they have a divorce in their future.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

You do realize that marriages have worked through harder things than where to live and survived? I know you're not big on marriage but people can, and do, make marriages work every day. Even with hurdles to face.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
No. We are giving our advice and opinions.

Geesh, chill out.

She's a big girl. She can handle it.
Since you are not a moderator you can keep your "Chill outs" to yourself. I can post whatever I want on here too. I'm fairly sure Bonny CAN handle the rudeness on this thread. And it is damn sure rude to tell someone they have a divorce in their future.

Ditto!

flan

FNW · Guru

If my husband found out I was looking for jobs out of our current commuting area, he would be extremely hurt, confused, and then angry. I would think anyone who is committed to the marriage and united would be. Relocating is a big decision and should be made together.

I never told her divorce was in her future. I said it might be if this BIG decision is not made together. Rude? Maybe. Honest? Absolutely.

I hope that he understands and agrees to put their child first.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
No. We are giving our advice and opinions.

Geesh, chill out.

She's a big girl. She can handle it.
Since you are not a moderator you can keep your "Chill outs" to yourself. I can post whatever I want on here too. I'm fairly sure Bonny CAN handle the rudeness on this thread. And it is damn sure rude to tell someone they have a divorce in their future.

You are seeing something that isn't there.

But carry on. Play Don Quixote.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
You do realize that marriages have worked through harder things than where to live and survived? I know you're not big on marriage but people can, and do, make marriages work every day. Even with hurdles to face.

What on earth are you talking about?

Just because I haven't been married for decades or I haven't been married multiple times, doesn't mean I don't value marriage.

Quite the opposite.

I don't take it lightly.

I think it is one of the most important commitments a person can make.

One that should be protected with every fiber of one's being.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

FNW wrote:
If my husband found out I was looking for jobs out of our current commuting area, he would be extremely hurt, confused, and then angry. I would think anyone who is committed to the marriage and united would be. Relocating is a big decision and should be made together.

I never told her divorce was in her future. I said it might be if this BIG decision is not made together. Rude? Maybe. Honest? Absolutely.
I hope that he understands and agrees to put their child first.

I don't think it matters what was actually said.

They are too busy trying to twist them into an argument.

FNW · Guru

Well, some times we have to think about whether the shoe was on the other foot. If he were looking for jobs far away, and she were unaware, how would she feel?

Personally, the former next door neighbor and friend to my parents came home one day and told his wife "he" was planning to retire in FL, even though he knew she was from GA and hated that whole area, FL included. She was livid. But she is in her later years and financially dependent on him, so she quit her secretary job and went with him. But she is resentful and very unhappy.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

We are looking to see what area's are commutable and what school districts are realistic. I am also trying to get him to look inward to find what's most important. Is it that he won't feel fulfilled if he doesn't' stay in a current field? Is are their any options?

We tend to have the same conversation over and over and I think we are not communicating very well about it at the moment which is why I suggested counseling.

Traffic in LA has gotten really bad in the last 5 years. Just driving from The Valley to the West side takes about an hour each way. So San Dimas isn't really doable.