TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: I Don't Love My Mom

huskerbb · Guru

I found this letter to be really odd. She doesn't give any reasons whatsoever as to why she feels this way.

I mean, does her mom kick puppies, or what?

-- Edited by huskerbb on Thursday 1st of October 2015 07:29:44 PM

Ohfour · Hooker

I dont love my mother. She will never know that, but i have no feelings towards her whatsoever. I did at one time, but as I've gotten older, I've realized just what a horrible person she is...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Aww..that is sad. I am sorry O4.

Ohfour · Hooker

I was in counseling for years. I felt like a failure...

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

My mom was emotionally distant, so yeah, I can't say that I loved her.

flan

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Abby's advice is dead on. We don't like our children or siblings all the time, but we love them. It goes in and out. Just like a marriage.

Lindley · Guru

It's hard to believe it when someone says they don't love their mom or dad if you have a loving mom and dad. I wonder if her mom is abusive or a real cold person.

Tangerine · Guru

One of the worst things about growing up is realizing that your parents are just people and they aren't perfect.
Sometimes your family is made of people that you would not choose to be friends with.
You still owe them respect and gratitude for the things they did for you, but you don't have to like them.

karl271 · Guru

Agree 100% with Tangerine. Right on target...

Ohfour · Hooker

My mother would never EVER know that we dont love her. We know she loves us in her own way. We will care for and support her until the day she dies....and when she does...there will be no tears from her family. ..

huskerbb · Guru

When my mom dies, we'll cry a river. She may outlive me, though.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
When my mom dies, we'll cry a river. She may outlive me, though.

And I envy you. Hell, i can't find a decent Mother's Day card for my mother. Thus my turmoil.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
My mother would never EVER know that we dont love her. We know she loves us in her own way. We will care for and support her until the day she dies....and when she does...there will be no tears from her family. ..

I think my mother did the best she could.

flan

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
When my mom dies, we'll cry a river. She may outlive me, though.
And I envy you. Hell, i can't find a decent Mother's Day card for my mother. Thus my turmoil.

OMG- right?! Card occasions are the worst. They just don't make a Mother's Day card that says "well, you tried".

My mom is a nice person. She is friendly and helpful, just not warm and nurturing. She is more like an aunt or a cousin than a mom to me. She was wonderful to my kids and she dotes on them. The girls love her - but they even say they can't imagine living with her.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Love can be complicated with mixed rmotions and degrees.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't love my mom. I also don't owe them respect or gratitude. It is what it is.

Tangerine · Guru

Respect and gratitude are due assuming your parents provided food, shelter; and emotional support. It doesn't apply to abusers.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Tangerine wrote:
Respect and gratitude are due assuming your parents provided food, shelter; and emotional support. It doesn't apply to abusers.

Then I'm good. And FTR, I don't hate my parents either. I just don't feel anything.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Tangerine wrote:
Respect and gratitude are due assuming your parents provided food, shelter; and emotional support. It doesn't apply to abusers.
Then I'm good. And FTR, I don't hate my parents either. I just don't feel anything.

That is exactly how my DH feels.

I like my mom. I just don't think mothering was her strong suit. She wasn't a natural and I could tell that she had to force some of the emotions that came naturally to others. When I was younger, that thought wrecked me - I thought something was wrong with me that she wasn't able to be genuine and open. Now that I am older, I appreciate her for trying so hard.

burns07 · Guru

lord, i feel blessed indeed

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't even like my mom. I have forgiven her. I don't know what happened in her childhood but I think something went on to make her the way she is today. Honestly the ONLY feelings I ever have about my mom are sometimes jealousy? Sadness? When I hear someone talk about how close they are to their parents I wish I had a relationship like that.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

My mom was truly my best friend and confidant in every way. I cant imagine how difficult that must have been for those of you who didnt experience that. My dad was also a sweetheart. However Dhs parents were pretty uninvolved wuth him.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
My mom was truly my best friend and confidant in every way. I cant imagine how difficult that must have been for those of you who didnt experience that. My dad was also a sweetheart. However Dhs parents were pretty uninvolved wuth him.

For me it is bittersweet to hear you talk about your mom. It makes me feel so good to hear about moms and daughters who were/are that close. But it also makes me wish I'd had that bond with my mom. It just wasn't possible though.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Did you have any other close family ties?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Did you have any other close family ties?

No. My mom was adopted. We grew up in Chicago and all our family is in TX. We saw them once a year. So not enough to really stay close to them. And back then calling them meant running up a high phone bill. Nothing like today. My mom's parents have long since died. My mom has a sister that has passed away too. I have two male cousins on her side that we barely knew. Both my paternal grandparents are gone. My bio father is a paranoid schizophrenic bipolar. My step father raised us but he had no family. His mom got pregnant in her teens and raised him with her mom. They are both long gone. My bio father is alive but people keep clear of him. He is dangerous. He has a twin brother that lives pretty close to me. They have a son and a daughter. Lot of issues in that family. I tried to establish a relationship with my female cousin as she lives an hour from me but she's a 49 year old virgin. And there are many reasons why. I have one last uncle that was a minister and ran off on his wife with another woman. I have no idea where he lives now. They had two boys. Not sure where the boys are now either. Really what it comes down to is that my mom made sure we didn't have a relationship with my bio dad's family. We rarely ever saw them. They were virtual strangers to us. And all my mom's family is gone now.

I have two brothers and six sisters and I won't play the dysfunctional game so I am not part of the family. They had a family reunion last year and did not invite me. I was fine with that. It was, however, an emotional time for me as it brought up a lot of old feelings. I don't think we ever totally get over the feeling of wanting that "family". You just learn that there's some things, like your sanity, you are not willing to give up for it.

Given my family's history it is very important that all my kids know just how much they are loved and just how much they are always welcome to come home for dinner or come to us to try to figure out issues that pop up. I never want my kids to grow up in the kind of family where they feel alienated and unable to ask our advice. We sometimes fight, and we sometimes disagree, but we always love them. And in the end we will continue to love them. I am excited watching my kids grow up to be lovely adults and I can see the effort we've put into them. It pays off. My mom was NEVER involved with my kids. So I guess that has made me want to be the other way. I want to one day be the grandma who is toting my grand kid around bragging. All in all, I would say I learned a valuable lesson from my parents. And that is how not to parent.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

My mother was not a great mother, but considering she was an alcoholic all my life, she did better than expected. I have forgiven her, and I do love her.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

NJN,

You should be proud of yourself because you were able to break the cycle of abuse.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

My Mom is the center of our family. She still cooks Sunday dinner every week and sends home pots of food to those who can't make it. She still going strong enough that she enjoys having her great grand kids spend the night. We will be devastated when she's gone. It's a shame the way some of you were treated by your own families and I think you've handled it better than I would have.

msrock · Guru

Let this be a lesson to all the moms here that are raising their own children. I don't know that I could call myself "nurturing", I'm not a huggy, touchy person... but I am a good mom in every other respect and I know that all of my children love me. I am, and have been, their mother and father. lol. Me and my daughter are really complete opposites in a lot of ways, but we are extremely close. She's actually my hero. aww

TrudyML · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
I dont love my mother. She will never know that, but i have no feelings towards her whatsoever. I did at one time, but as I've gotten older, I've realized just what a horrible person she is...

I have the same issue. My mother is a needy, nightmare.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Did you have any other close family ties?
No. My mom was adopted. We grew up in Chicago and all our family is in TX. We saw them once a year. So not enough to really stay close to them. And back then calling them meant running up a high phone bill. Nothing like today. My mom's parents have long since died. My mom has a sister that has passed away too. I have two male cousins on her side that we barely knew. Both my paternal grandparents are gone. My bio father is a paranoid schizophrenic bipolar. My step father raised us but he had no family. His mom got pregnant in her teens and raised him with her mom. They are both long gone. My bio father is alive but people keep clear of him. He is dangerous. He has a twin brother that lives pretty close to me. They have a son and a daughter. Lot of issues in that family. I tried to establish a relationship with my female cousin as she lives an hour from me but she's a 49 year old virgin. And there are many reasons why. I have one last uncle that was a minister and ran off on his wife with another woman. I have no idea where he lives now. They had two boys. Not sure where the boys are now either. Really what it comes down to is that my mom made sure we didn't have a relationship with my bio dad's family. We rarely ever saw them. They were virtual strangers to us. And all my mom's family is gone now.
I have two brothers and six sisters and I won't play the dysfunctional game so I am not part of the family. They had a family reunion last year and did not invite me. I was fine with that. It was, however, an emotional time for me as it brought up a lot of old feelings. I don't think we ever totally get over the feeling of wanting that "family". You just learn that there's some things, like your sanity, you are not willing to give up for it.
Given my family's history it is very important that all my kids know just how much they are loved and just how much they are always welcome to come home for dinner or come to us to try to figure out issues that pop up. I never want my kids to grow up in the kind of family where they feel alienated and unable to ask our advice. We sometimes fight, and we sometimes disagree, but we always love them. And in the end we will continue to love them. I am excited watching my kids grow up to be lovely adults and I can see the effort we've put into them. It pays off. My mom was NEVER involved with my kids. So I guess that has made me want to be the other way. I want to one day be the grandma who is toting my grand kid around bragging. All in all, I would say I learned a valuable lesson from my parents. And that is how not to parent.

Thank you for sharing that NJN.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I do think that part of this is realizing that our parents were also flawed human beings. Obviously, some of you had really terrible childhoods but at least you are all breaking the cycle going forward. I do hope my kids love me and forgive my less than perfect parenting moments.

TrudyML · Guru

My Dad was awesome. My mother hated that he enjoyed hanging with me.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

TrudyML wrote:
My Dad was awesome. My mother hated that he enjoyed hanging with me.

I had this issue too.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I was much closer to Dad than Mom.

flan

TrudyML · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
My Dad was awesome. My mother hated that he enjoyed hanging with me.
I had this issue too.

Dad was a lawyer. He hired me to answer the phone while assts went to lunch. He'd hang out, we'd laugh, discuss events. Then continue at home. She made him fire me. She didn't like we sat around laughing about the day.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

TrudyML wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
My Dad was awesome. My mother hated that he enjoyed hanging with me.
I had this issue too.
Dad was a lawyer. He hired me to answer the phone while assts went to lunch. He'd hang out, we'd laugh, discuss events. Then continue at home. She made him fire me. She didn't like we sat around laughing about the day.

I'm sorry your Dad isn't still with you.

flan

TrudyML · Guru

He dropped dead. Heart attack. I was in college. Had a huge paper due. The head of the department knew my father. Said skip the paper. I passed it in anyway.

ed11563 · Guru

TrudyML wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
My Dad was awesome. My mother hated that he enjoyed hanging with me.
I had this issue too.
Dad was a lawyer. He hired me to answer the phone while assts went to lunch. He'd hang out, we'd laugh, discuss events. Then continue at home. She made him fire me. She didn't like we sat around laughing about the day.

Sounds like she was (is?) terribly insecure.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I won the lottery with my parents. My dad was the family rock but was also the huggy one. He had a huge personality & was a genuine people person. My mom was very nurturing but quiet. She is my best friend & has always been in my corner no matter what.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I do think that part of this is realizing that our parents were also flawed human beings. Obviously, some of you had really terrible childhoods but at least you are all breaking the cycle going forward. I do hope my kids love me and forgive my less than perfect parenting moments.

I agree. Barring any type of abuse, I feel sorry for the Op's mom.

Ohfour · Hooker

NAOW wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I do think that part of this is realizing that our parents were also flawed human beings. Obviously, some of you had really terrible childhoods but at least you are all breaking the cycle going forward. I do hope my kids love me and forgive my less than perfect parenting moments.
I agree. Barring any type of abuse, I feel sorry for the Op's mom.

But that's the thing, there never was any real type of abuse. But she (to this day), will eat a meal and them complain to the manager how absolutely horrible the service was and that she is never coming back. The service was stellar. She will lie and tell a cashier that she gave him a $20 when we SAW her give him a $10. And them act all insulted and call then racial slurs and gay slurs and threaten to sue if they disagreed with her.

It was SO embarrassing as a child. I don't let he get away with it when I am with her. She pulled it on my niece last week though. Niece called me crying...

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Did you have any other close family ties?
No. My mom was adopted. We grew up in Chicago and all our family is in TX. We saw them once a year. So not enough to really stay close to them. And back then calling them meant running up a high phone bill. Nothing like today. My mom's parents have long since died. My mom has a sister that has passed away too. I have two male cousins on her side that we barely knew. Both my paternal grandparents are gone. My bio father is a paranoid schizophrenic bipolar. My step father raised us but he had no family. His mom got pregnant in her teens and raised him with her mom. They are both long gone. My bio father is alive but people keep clear of him. He is dangerous. He has a twin brother that lives pretty close to me. They have a son and a daughter. Lot of issues in that family. I tried to establish a relationship with my female cousin as she lives an hour from me but she's a 49 year old virgin. And there are many reasons why. I have one last uncle that was a minister and ran off on his wife with another woman. I have no idea where he lives now. They had two boys. Not sure where the boys are now either. Really what it comes down to is that my mom made sure we didn't have a relationship with my bio dad's family. We rarely ever saw them. They were virtual strangers to us. And all my mom's family is gone now.
I have two brothers and six sisters and I won't play the dysfunctional game so I am not part of the family. They had a family reunion last year and did not invite me. I was fine with that. It was, however, an emotional time for me as it brought up a lot of old feelings. I don't think we ever totally get over the feeling of wanting that "family". You just learn that there's some things, like your sanity, you are not willing to give up for it.
Given my family's history it is very important that all my kids know just how much they are loved and just how much they are always welcome to come home for dinner or come to us to try to figure out issues that pop up. I never want my kids to grow up in the kind of family where they feel alienated and unable to ask our advice. We sometimes fight, and we sometimes disagree, but we always love them. And in the end we will continue to love them. I am excited watching my kids grow up to be lovely adults and I can see the effort we've put into them. It pays off. My mom was NEVER involved with my kids. So I guess that has made me want to be the other way. I want to one day be the grandma who is toting my grand kid around bragging. All in all, I would say I learned a valuable lesson from my parents. And that is how not to parent.

Thank you for sharing that NJN.

Thanks for letting me share! I agree with those that say barring abuse it's important to realize your parents are flawed human beings. I know my parents are flawed. Even with all the abuse that was dished out I realize they are still human. They are what they are. I know they didn't CHOOSE to be that way. Or I would like to think they didn't. I have forgiven them. For myself. I could hate my mom till the day she died but the only person who would feel it, know it, and be affected by it would be me. It's that old saying, "It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." It doesn't work like that. And if you're carrying around anger that is going to come through when you parent IMO.

In the past some have made the comment that my kids rely too much on me. I am glad that they feel close enough to me to share major decisions of their lives. I love that we have open relationships. I certainly never felt like I could just call my mom up and ask her stuff.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There are times you have to just save yourself. And, maybe you can only see them from afar. It's just a shame that humans are such a mess sometimes.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Ohfour wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I do think that part of this is realizing that our parents were also flawed human beings. Obviously, some of you had really terrible childhoods but at least you are all breaking the cycle going forward. I do hope my kids love me and forgive my less than perfect parenting moments.
I agree. Barring any type of abuse, I feel sorry for the Op's mom.
But that's the thing, there never was any real type of abuse. But she (to this day), will eat a meal and them complain to the manager how absolutely horrible the service was and that she is never coming back. The service was stellar. She will lie and tell a cashier that she gave him a $20 when we SAW her give him a $10. And them act all insulted and call then racial slurs and gay slurs and threaten to sue if they disagreed with her.
It was SO embarrassing as a child. I don't let he get away with it when I am with her. She pulled it on my niece last week though. Niece called me crying...

I don't know if I would put that into the emotionally abusive category. She's not doing it to you she's doing it to others it makes you crazy. But either way that behavior is so wrong and so manipulative. It's got lasting effects for sure.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
There are times you have to just save yourself. And, maybe you can only see them from afar. It's just a shame that humans are such a mess sometimes.

Very well said!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I have seen it the other way too. My BFF married her husband after he was divorced. His first wife ran off and left him with 3 kids. He's a blue collar kind of a guy. He isn't overly expressive but he worked hard and kept a roof over their head. My BFF stepped in when they were school age to young teens. And, none of them speak to him. They come around when they wanted money and that was it. And, now they have kids and I just find that incredibly sad. He is a good person. I am sure he made mistakes and who hasn't but it seems they just have some attitude towards him that will never heal. And, the thing is, none of them are particularly good parents, either. So, I don't know.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I agree it happens both ways.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I do think that the standards of 30 yrs ago are not today's standards, etc. And, that now we expect parents to do things they didn't used to do or act in ways that in those times were really not the norm. But, I know you guys aren't talking about that per se. Just making a point. My dad was not overly expressive but would say "oh here's $20", or something like that and do things to show he loved me rather than say it.