Should I dump Mr Steady for my sexy toyboy?

By Bel Mooney for the Daily Mail

Published: 21:32 EST, 9 October 2015 | Updated: 05:01 EST, 10 October 2015

DEAR BEL,

I have got myself into a very complicated situation, which I’m finding very hard to get out of.

For three years, I have been in a wonderful relationship with A. We are one of those couples who never fight and constantly try to be there for each other.

Our relationship has always lacked the sexual spark but, nonetheless, it has worked very well for us.

Now for the past five months, we have been forced into in a long distance relationship and have not met up with each other since. Then, a couple of months ago, I met this guy, T — and we instantly hit it off.

We started talking for hours each day, but he is much younger and immature about day-to-day things. Yet there was this undeniable attraction between us and we confessed that we liked each other.

Even though I have these feelings, I know it will not be practical to be with him in the long run. But as a result of my feelings, I broke up with A for a while.

 

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During that time, T and I became emotionally attached. At the same time, I missed A terribly and he too was in a bad state because of the break up. So we decided to give it another shot. But I feel unable to tell T about getting back together with A.

The truth is I genuinely care about A and we have had a wonderful relationship. It’s really hard to find a person who loves and respects you that much.

I know that if, in the future, we are in the same city, things will be perfect again. On the other hand, I know that the mutual infatuation with T is momentary and might soon fade away.

But at this moment, I feel so happy I don’t want to lose him. I once tried telling him I’ve patched up with A, but it backfired and we ended up talking about our feelings for each other.

So the bottom line is that I am cheating on both of them — seeking excitement from one and stability from the other.

If I lose A, I’ll lose love and security. And if I lose T, I’ll lose the happiness and excitement I currently feel.

Please tell me how to take a morally strong decision and let go of one of the guys because I am feeling unbelievably guilty at the moment.

SANJA

This is one of those occasions when I long to know the age of a correspondent. Usually people tell me, but you leave me guessing — and yet your age is relevant to my reply.

If you are 22 and in this predicament, it will be less serious than if you are 32, but certainly a real problem if you are 42. I make this point simply because of the age at which people like to feel settled, and women (especially) might be looking ahead to starting a family. That’s how it tends to be.

You ask me ‘how to take a morally strong decision’, but I can’t give a blanket judgment.

If you do happen to be in your early 20s, it seems to me that you are only doing wrong by telling lies. Were you to tell both guys that you refuse to choose but want to go on seeing them both and feeling affection in different ways, then what would be the harm? It would then be up to them to choose to accept the situation or to say goodbye.

People might accuse me of being amoral by counselling pragmatism, but I reckon that the situation would gradually find its own resolution.

It is no crime to seek ‘excitement and stability’ at the same time, nor is it unknown simultaneously to love two very different people. Human beings are complex creatures; that’s why, for me, the most important moral duty is not to inflict harm.

Yet, of course, hurting somebody’s feelings can be very harmful. You and A have been together for three years, therefore you owe him real consideration. It is very difficult to be apart for months — and often damaging to a relationship.

When I read about married couples who have long-distance relationships I wonder how they cope. Call me cynical, but I reckon much infidelity is caused by opportunity and that many an ostensibly happily married man or woman might be tempted — if their spouse was far away and some devastatingly attractive Other paid court.

If you feel you are damaging A by continuing, and he can’t tolerate the situation, then the honest action would be to end it. Then you can enjoy the fun you are having, with a newly clear conscience.

Anyway, let’s now suppose you are in your 30s. In that case, my take on the situation will be rather different.

The idea of trying to avoid hurt remains the same, but we’d have to add to the mix a serious consideration of what you want from your life, how you see your future.

Your analysis of what each man has to offer is perceptive, so no help is needed there. Most of us are susceptible to fun and the excitement of sexual chemistry, yet you clearly know that there is more to a relationship than those two things. Much more. Women who enter their 30s and play around are entitled to exercise their freedom, but they need to be aware that they could easily end up like the lady I called Elise, whose letter was the main one last week. At 46, she was listening to her biological clock . . .

To be practical, as well as not telling me your age, you also fail to explain the separation from A.

Is it a permanent situation, due to employment? Or temporary, perhaps because of study? In order to stay with A, you would need to have an end in view. I think you need to have a serious conversation with yourself, weighing all these points.

Naturally, I could tell you to be honest and ditch both men and start afresh, but you’re not going to do that.

So the best advice is that you must be forensically honest with yourself about the future you most desire — then honesty with the two men is more likely to follow.