Dear Carolyn: My son is 35 and is gainfully employed but still lives with me and my husband. His two siblings, as well as cousins and other assorted family members, frequently bring this up in an extremely negative light.
But here’s the thing: The arrangement pleases the three of us quite well. It is great to have a built-in person to watch the house and take care of the dog when we travel, and my son also helps out with a lot of projects around the house. He is saving a great deal of money living here, plus he will be in an excellent position to care for his own house someday.
But the comments about this arrangement are becoming more frequent, to the point that my son’s cousins and siblings bring it up every time they see him. My sister remarked that she thinks my son is stunted.
I just don’t see that. We are three adults with a living situation that suits us. Am I missing something here? And what should I say in response to these comments?
Maybe you’re right and maybe the clucking hens are right, but this is certain: If you take this on, then you are over-involved in the business of your adult son. “He’s an adult and it’s his life, so I suggest you discuss it with him directly” is your response from now on to any and all expressions of concern for his emotional and residential health.
It would be different if he was mooching of of them and not contributing to the household at all. Sounds like it is a win-win situation for them. The others should mind their own business.
I can see both sides. If it works for them, fine. But there is an element of infantilizing their son. He needs to live on his own, pay his own way, etc in order to truly be an adult. He needs to depend on himself. And the other kids may think it's unfair that he gets to live at home and save money and they didn't have that opportunity. I am sure they would have liked to stay at home and save money but it wasn't an option for them.
I can see both sides and I don't think we have all the facts. The OP told us exactly what made her side sound reasonable (like all OP's) and we have no idea what the reality is. He could be working part time at the local video game store and spending all his money on weed for all we know.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I am soon to be 35 and live with my parents. I work full time (I actually make more more than my mom does). My dad travels a lot for work, so having me here to take care of things is a big help to him and my mom. I know I will move out at some point, but I've got a pretty sweet deal going. I get to do more fun things since I don't have a lot of expenses and I put at least a third of my salary in various savings areas.
I'm lucky that no one really has much negative to say about our arrangement. I guess everyone can tell that it's a win-win. So I would say that the LW needs to really examine how beneficial the situation is if no one else can see that.
I dont see a problem with it. Dh's friend lost his dad early and has always lived with his mother. He then bought a house and moved her in. And it works well for them.
I can see both sides. If it works for them, fine. But there is an element of infantilizing their son. He needs to live on his own, pay his own way, etc in order to truly be an adult. He needs to depend on himself. And the other kids may think it's unfair that he gets to live at home and save money and they didn't have that opportunity. I am sure they would have liked to stay at home and save money but it wasn't an option for them.
I can see both sides and I don't think we have all the facts. The OP told us exactly what made her side sound reasonable (like all OP's) and we have no idea what the reality is. He could be working part time at the local video game store and spending all his money on weed for all we know.
I agree with this. You can kind of see it in the letter. Mom wants to "protect" her boy from the comments from his siblings and cousins rather than letting him handle it on his own.
I think it can also be a crutch that is keeping him from being fully an adult. There is a lot of information missing from the letter.
What is his dating and social life? Does he date and have friends that he spends time with? If not--why not?
I get that not everyone has the same goals--and I fully agree that it's not the same thing as some jobless loser having to live with mom and dad because he doesn't have any other options. I also think, however, that it's not the same thing as having to move in with them to care for them or because THEY need his rent money to pay their mortgage.
I truly think that they all need to ponder a bit on why this arrangement works so well. Is it truly what they all want--or are they just comfortable? Maybe nothing needs to change, at least for now, but I wonder.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
But would people still be alarmed if it was a woman living with her parents? I agree she should be on her own but, sometimes people are more accepting of a female living with parents then a male.
But would people still be alarmed if it was a woman living with her parents? I agree she should be on her own but, sometimes people are more accepting of a female living with parents then a male.
I would regard it about the same if they were the same age.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
