TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Should News of Sister's Death Have Waited until AFTER Vacation?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Wow? Seriously? I would want to KNOW. Geez, sorry to inconvenience someone's vacation by dying. Wow.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

people sometimes react emotionally rather than rationally

What the heck does that mean? YOu aren't supposed to act "emotionally" about someone's death? It was her sister? Yes, you should call immediate family members.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

My brother was in Mexico when our great grandmother died.

He was on the first flight he could get back.

When pawpaw died his sister drove immediately from Alabama.

When an uncle died, his brother was in Hawaii, first flight he could get home.

You tell people. You don't wait.

And how pissed would you be to get off a plane and be told your sister had been dead a week?

I'd be livid.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Disgusted in Wisconsin is a selfish arse.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, sorry to inform the world but Death is usually Inconvenient! That doesnt' mean you have to hop on the next plane. But, I believe in facing the realities of life. Yes, that is inconvenient. So sorry your sister was sooo selfish to die during your Mexican vacation. I mean, I really don't understand people anymore.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I think her husband sounds like an arse too for getting mad that she was notified.

FNW · Guru

When my grandfather was elderly and my mother was coming back here to visit me, she told her sister to "put him on ice" and not tell her until she returned. She did not want his death, which was inevitable, to affect her visit. She knew news of her father's death would cause her pain which would be doubled by the fact she was 3,000 miles away and unable to be there or do anything. She did not want to feel helplessness on top of her grief.

My mother cared for her mother until her death. She cared for her father until he could no longer live alone. Her sister agreed to take him in and care for him during his final months, which was an 8 hour drive from my mother. During his final hours, my mother was on the phone with her sister, listening to her father take his last breath, at age 90.

It wasn't that she didn't love her parents. She did not want news of either of their deaths to ruin her visit with me. She left with a clear conscience that they knew she loved them.

This sister passed away a year or two ago. We did not learn about her passing for several days. For whatever reason, her son wasn't ready to tell us. We have never harbored any ill feelings for his decision to hold off telling us. Death is final, and there's nothing we could do to bring her back. (And they did not have a service for her).

The only reason I could think of to share such bad news to someone who is away having fun on vacation or celebrating a special day, would be if travel plans needed to be made to attend the services. Other than that, the news can wait.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

FNW wrote:

The only reason I could think of to share such bad news to someone who is away having fun on vacation or celebrating a special day, would be if travel plans needed to be made to attend the services. Other than that, the news can wait.

I agree, FNW.

flan

NAOW · Vette's SS

I would want to know right away, and I would cut my vacation short to get home with my family. I would probably be angry and hurt if that news was kept from me.

Lindley · Guru

When my husband and I were planning a trip to Kaui my dad became very ill and my family tried to keep it from me because they didn't want to ruin our trip. I finely found out about it and postponed our trip and was able to be there with him and say goodbye when he died. I would have hated being at the beach and being so far away from him. My sister died suddenly and I would have been pissed if no one told me as soon as it happened. Instead of staying in mexico I would have gotten the first flight home asap.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Every family is different. Fair enough.

flan

FNW · Guru

I think that was the whole point. My mother would have rushed home, or at least felt compelled to, and for what? He's dead. What could she do to change that? Rush home to be with who? Her father's corpse? Her sisters lived far away, and my brother may or may not have provided any comfort to her. I would have, but she was already with me, and to rush home, she would be leaving her strongest support.

She made her peace with his pending death long before he actually died and he knew he was loved and cared for. I think that's why she didn't feel she needed to know immediately. Let her enjoy herself a little longer. The grief will be there waiting for her.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

An unexpected death? Darn right, you better notify me.

IMHO, the LW is an arse. Apparently, it is all about him. Self centered buttard.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

FNW wrote:
I think that was the whole point. My mother would have rushed home, or at least felt compelled to, and for what? He's dead. What could she do to change that? Rush home to be with who? Her father's corpse? Her sisters lived far away, and my brother may or may not have provided any comfort to her. I would have, but she was already with me, and to rush home, she would be leaving her strongest support.

She made her peace with his pending death long before he actually died and he knew he was loved and cared for. I think that's why she didn't feel she needed to know immediately. Let her enjoy herself a little longer. The grief will be there waiting for her.

This.

flan

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

This decision rests with the family, period.

The rest of the group needs to keep their noses out.

Lindley · Guru

I do feel each family dynamic is different and I don't expect everyone to do what I would do. FNW I'm glad you were there for your mother and was with someone who gave her comfort.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

My sister died unexpectedly and I was on a flight as soon as I could be. Not for her, b/c she was dead, but to be with the rest of the family that was grieving. My mother needed me. My nieces needed me.

ed11563 · Guru

Three years ago, on day 2 of a 5 day national sales meeting, my room mate got a call that his father had passed away from a heart attack.

He was in a quandary, he said, because he had something to present at the meeting and didn't want to let anyone down.

I told him to go home and be with his family, no one would question it. But I was sure people would be shocked if he DIDN'T go home.

He went home.

Family comes first.

FNW · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
My sister died unexpectedly and I was on a flight as soon as I could be. Not for her, b/c she was dead, but to be with the rest of the family that was grieving. My mother needed me. My nieces needed me.

That I can understand. But the only one who really needed my mom would have been dead. So "put him on ice" were here instructions to her sister who cared for him while she was back East. Fortunately he never died while she was visiting me, but if he had, sis had strict instructions to take care of it and let mom know when she returned.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Wow? Seriously? I would want to KNOW. Geez, sorry to inconvenience someone's vacation by dying. Wow.

Yeah. If one of my siblings died and my family didn't tell me for 5 days, I'd be beyond pissed.

Some things are more important than your damn vacation.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Exactly.

cadiver · Senior Member

I would not want to know.

huskerbb · Guru

cadiver wrote:
I would not want to know.

To each their own--but I don't get that. I can and will take more vacations. I only have so many siblings.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Why dont people want to know reality in real time? I dont get it.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

One of the hardest deaths for me was my great grandmother.

I was only 12. But it still bothers me.

She died during a deep freeze and we couldn't bury her for almost a month.

Had the funeral and then just went home.

I remember thinking how lonely it must have been.

Crazy thoughts of a 12 year old.

But it still seems terrible to me.

I can't imagine someone I love dying and not knowing.

I think I would feel guilty for enjoying a vacation while the family dealt with things.

Or even unimportant if they kept it from me.

I don't know it, it isnt something I would want.

Ohfour · Hooker

I don't even like my sister, but if it was me, I would be home in a heartbeat. Like LL said, not for the dead, but for my mother and her kids.

I can't believe some people would rather be oblivious on a vacation rather than comfort their family. Talk about selfish!

Momala · Great cook-happy wife-superb fisherman

Huskerbb wrote:
"Yeah. If one of my siblings died and my family didn't tell me for 5 days, I'd be beyond pissed."

This happened to me with my father. I was on my first business trip - 5 day symposium in Chicago. My father died just as my flight was taking off. My Mother notified my husband- but my know-it-all older brother forbade my husband to tell me - "it would be bad for her business reputation to leave before the end of the symposium. You and the children can come to the funeral, but don't say anything to Momala until she gets back."

Great way to welcome me home. My father died, the funeral and burial are over, and DB had the spotlight, because "I didn't care enough to come home." It took a long, long time to get through the grieving process.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Momala wrote:
Huskerbb wrote:
"Yeah. If one of my siblings died and my family didn't tell me for 5 days, I'd be beyond pissed."

This happened to me with my father. I was on my first business trip - 5 day symposium in Chicago. My father died just as my flight was taking off. My Mother notified my husband- but my know-it-all older brother forbade my husband to tell me - "it would be bad for her business reputation to leave before the end of the symposium. You and the children can come to the funeral, but don't say anything to Momala until she gets back."

Great way to welcome me home. My father died, the funeral and burial are over, and DB had the spotlight, because "I didn't care enough to come home." It took a long, long time to get through the grieving process.

Holy wow. That is horrible. If they weren't going to tell you, they should have held the funeral until you got home.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
I don't even like my sister, but if it was me, I would be home in a heartbeat. Like LL said, not for the dead, but for my mother and her kids.

I can't believe some people would rather be oblivious on a vacation rather than comfort their family. Talk about selfish!

I do not think you know what that word means...

flan

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I'm seriously beginning to think some people don't know the meaning of common decency.

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
I don't even like my sister, but if it was me, I would be home in a heartbeat. Like LL said, not for the dead, but for my mother and her kids.

I can't believe some people would rather be oblivious on a vacation rather than comfort their family. Talk about selfish!
I do not think you know what that word means...
flan

Your sister is DEAD. Your mother is grieving and you would rather stay on vacation than go home to help console her? What fvcked up world to you live in? That is the EPITOME of selfish...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
I don't even like my sister, but if it was me, I would be home in a heartbeat. Like LL said, not for the dead, but for my mother and her kids.

I can't believe some people would rather be oblivious on a vacation rather than comfort their family. Talk about selfish!
I do not think you know what that word means...
flan
Your sister is DEAD. Your mother is grieving and you would rather stay on vacation than go home to help console her? What fvcked up world to you live in? That is the EPITOME of selfish...

And even more ridiculously selfish is that a fellow vacationer is actually bitching about someone being informed their sister died.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I don't have a sister.

flan

Lindley · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
I don't even like my sister, but if it was me, I would be home in a heartbeat. Like LL said, not for the dead, but for my mother and her kids.

I can't believe some people would rather be oblivious on a vacation rather than comfort their family. Talk about selfish!
I do not think you know what that word means...
flan
Your sister is DEAD. Your mother is grieving and you would rather stay on vacation than go home to help console her? What fvcked up world to you live in? That is the EPITOME of selfish...
And even more ridiculously selfish is that a fellow vacationer is actually bitching about someone being informed their sister died.

Yep nevermind with how she is feeling.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

There are a few things in life you don't wait tell someone.

Death, fire, serious injury.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

I'd be crushed if I wasn't informed.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:

Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
I don't even like my sister, but if it was me, I would be home in a heartbeat. Like LL said, not for the dead, but for my mother and her kids.

I can't believe some people would rather be oblivious on a vacation rather than comfort their family. Talk about selfish!
I do not think you know what that word means...
flan
Your sister is DEAD. Your mother is grieving and you would rather stay on vacation than go home to help console her? What fvcked up world to you live in? That is the EPITOME of selfish...
And even more ridiculously selfish is that a fellow vacationer is actually bitching about someone being informed their sister died.

Yes, that is HORRIBLE. Do you really want to be friends with HORRIBLE people? Geez!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:

There are a few things in life you don't wait tell someone.

Death, fire, serious injury.

Yes. However, we are now ENTITLED Lilly. Entitled to never have our fun spoiled by such pesky things as a loved one dying.

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
I don't have a sister.

flan

Thank goodness if you would think so little of one...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
I don't have a sister.

flan

Lucky her.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

just Czech wrote:

This decision rests with the family, period.

The rest of the group needs to keep their noses out.

I do agree with that. And, if the family operates that way, that is their business and it is not for their "friends" to comment.

Lindley · Guru

flan327 wrote:
I don't have a sister.

flan

Maybe not but you would feel bad if you did. I still grieve for my sister. We had our moments and totally opposite from each other and I would feel just as bad if it was my brother. I planned the funeral for her and took care of all the arrangements, bills and closing down her house so her son (my nephew) would have to deal with it. It was the last thing I can do for her and cant' even imagine staying on vacation. I would be livid if no one called me.

I got upset when I got a thank you card from my aunt for flowers at my uncles funeral.. No one told me he died.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Personally, I don't believe in just jumping in the car. Years ago, one of my brother's friends was in medical school and his mom passed away and he jumped in the car to come home and was killed driving down bad roads trying to get home. It was a horrible tragedy. I think that one has should be sensible. Bad roads or anything that is going to put someone is danger, then don't go. They are already dead so that isn't going to change. Yes, you want to go grieve with your family but you have to consider the conditions.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I have 2 cousins who are the closest thing I have to a sister.

It would break my heart if something happened to one of them and no one told me for a week.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
just Czech wrote:

This decision rests with the family, period.

The rest of the group needs to keep their noses out.

I do agree with that. And, if the family operates that way, that is their business and it is not for their "friends" to comment.

Exactly.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

flan

Lindley · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Personally, I don't believe in just jumping in the car. Years ago, one of my brother's friends was in medical school and his mom passed away and he jumped in the car to come home and was killed driving down bad roads trying to get home. It was a horrible tragedy. I think that one has should be sensible. Bad roads or anything that is going to put someone is danger, then don't go. They are already dead so that isn't going to change. Yes, you want to go grieve with your family but you have to consider the conditions.

When we broke bad news to our kids about loved ones we made sure they understood that they need to take time to calm down. A friend drove my son to the airport, my dd's husband was with her. I do feel for the young man who lost his life and I too know a young man who died rushing to his mothers side. I hope my kids would be rational if they ever get news about my dh or me.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

My older cousin that recently passed, she passed at around 5am.

Her husband waited till after sun up to call her brother and sister.

They were really upset about that.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't plan on going to the funeral of anyone in my family. If they love me, which they don't, they won't bother calling to tell me someone died. I don't even want to know.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Momala wrote:
Huskerbb wrote:
"Yeah. If one of my siblings died and my family didn't tell me for 5 days, I'd be beyond pissed."

This happened to me with my father. I was on my first business trip - 5 day symposium in Chicago. My father died just as my flight was taking off. My Mother notified my husband- but my know-it-all older brother forbade my husband to tell me - "it would be bad for her business reputation to leave before the end of the symposium. You and the children can come to the funeral, but don't say anything to Momala until she gets back."

Great way to welcome me home. My father died, the funeral and burial are over, and DB had the spotlight, because "I didn't care enough to come home." It took a long, long time to get through the grieving process.

Why did your husband not ignore your brother? What was he going to do.....ground him?

Non comprendes lol