Dear Prudence, I am a professional married woman in my late 30s with small children. My husband and I met when we were in the same prestigious grad school program. I had better grades, internship experiences, and references, and had great job prospects out of school, while he struggled to get an offer. I joined my dream company with his encouragement, and he took a fairly low-paid job on the other side of the country while looking for better prospects. Finally, after several years, I managed to get him a spot at my company. Fast-forward 10 years, and his career has taken off while mine has stagnated. We’re both still at the same company and started at similar positions, but he has been promoted two levels above me and has gotten lots of recognition for his work. From my perspective, it looks like he really just got lucky—he was in the right place at the right time and frankly doesn’t work that hard. I know that I should celebrate his successes, but the competitive side of me can’t help but feel bitter and resentful, and like a failure by comparison. How can I move past this and stop feeling like I need to compete professionally with my husband? We otherwise have a great relationship and I try to hide my resentment, but it’s getting harder all the time.
—Bitter Wife
Dear Bitter, Stop hiding your career frustration and start figuring out what he’s doing right and what you’re doing wrong. The first step is to open up to him about your fear that your career is stagnating and your desire to get it on track. He obviously has this company figured out, so ask him for a blunt (but kind!) assessment, and some advice. Try not to refer to the fact that you think his trajectory is simply due to luck because he’s not that smart and his work ethic is wanting. Analyze if there are other factors holding you back. Some people thrive in academic environments but are less suited to the more open-ended atmosphere of the corporate world. Maybe you do your work in an excellent fashion, but fail to take advantage of other opportunities or to push for recognition. Then look at some externals of your life. Has motherhood cut into your professional life? If it has, that should be a conscious decision, not a default. Whether your husband doesn’t work very hard, or is simply efficient, that gives him more time for home duties. His doing more would allow you more time to climb the ladder
It also could be that your company has improperly and without your knowledge put you on a limiting “mommy track,” which means you have to find a way off. Trusted colleagues may have insight on this issue, or general advice on how you can continue to rise. You burn with ambition, and that’s great. But instead of letting it consume you from the inside with resentment, turn the flame outward.
And the worst part with people like this is they don't know it. They will continually blame other people - they are jealous, etc., as the reason rather than facing the truth. I mean, if you have worked the same job for years an are continually passed over for a promotion while new people are hired and people newer than you get promoted - it probably has something to do with you.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
